Embrace fear as opportunity

I am someone who has struggled.
I am someone who has had to fight for her own voice, for her independence from a life that needed more than wanted her.
I am strong.
I am willfull, I am driven, I am a warrior.
I have set goals for myself and busted arse to achieve them.

I have been successful, and I have struggled with that too.
I have found a career i love and gotten a great job. I have old and new friends both here in my new home and all across the world. I am fit, and having a great time in my life, I am healthy, and engaged!
But still i have been struggling.
The struggle is related to my success, and to accepting that its alright to slow down. Its alright not to fight. Its alright to enjoy the fruits of my labour and enter a new phase of my life.
Its scary to embrace this new feeling of satisfaction. I have felt stagnant of late, and didn’t know why. I think its just that i’m starting to take it easy and i’m so used to giving myself a hard time when i am not always ‘doing something’.

I hope that in letting go, i will be able to use my energy and experience to be helpful to others and to build a home for myself here this year in my new home city.

Here’s to happiness and success, GO ME!!!

I have been seeing someone off and on since just before the holidays. It hasn’t been what i would call ‘a romance’ and I know that it hasn’t been even all the way around in terms of keeping the ball rolling i’ve been doing more pushing than he has… but that said… i feel like there might actually be some salvageable and true feelings underneath the time we’ve spent together and his efforts to keep me at a distance (perhaps because he’s gone on tour for a month as of yesterday). I really enjoy being near him, being touched by him, bearing witness to his passion and his dedication to the things he cares about.

I am not sure i’m looking for anything serious right now, and i’m quite certain from our conversations that he isn’t… but the important thing is that we are honest about these things. Maybe space will make clear what we both need.

Its been tough to navigate the reality that he is going to be gone, and that he might not come back into my life in this same way, at all, or that i might not want him back in my life when he does return… the tough part is the ‘letting go’ part. I need to let go of my hopes, my anticipations, my fears of being neglected or forgotten and instead be grateful for what we had while we had it and to be supportive of both of us.

I need to be mindful of my body’s reactions to thoughts about him, to be present to my desire, to be compassionate for myself and to remember how lucky i am, and how many people do love me.

I left his place feeling melencholy but i know that we’re both going on adventures this month (THE OLYMPICS IS COMING!!!). GEtting pouty=faced at this point is just frankly dumb.

counselling yesterday, first session and although i didn’t have a ‘plan’ for what i was hoping to get out of it… i am already feeling it at work in my perceptions, already seeing the benefits and the light at the end of this blustery self deception.
Yesterday we plowed the roads and uncovered some patterns in how i relate to men. I learned that my former anxiety and the wars i used to wage against the people who loved me were not to break them down but in some ways were me fighting to ‘protect’ them. I am a self-aware little warrior. :)

Deciphered some of my feelings about yum. Perhaps it is enjoyable because put simply, I am good at it. I enjoy the success and the feeling of confidence that gives me. One step closer to figuring out how i WANT to feel about myself, how to move forward… thats good!

Smoking more these days. Being more social and less erratic. Missing a routine of some kind. Starting this weekend, i will regain my focus. Havent gotten into a flow again since xmerse. need to do things for my mental peace.

I think i’ve gotta do more early to bed early to rise. I get way more accomplished in the morning.

I hate playing music… well no, i’m just intimidated by the whole lexicon of music terms and languages especially transposing instruments and varied pitch ranges and fundemental series’. It fREAKS ME OUT!

I know that that thought process is what makes this all the more confusing. I know i need to learn this in a focused and optimistic way.

I think i need to start from the basics all over again.

The priorities here are as follows:

1. Be able and confident to accurately playtest and diagnose tuning and other playing problems in all of the instruments in the brass family.
a:Trumpet
b:Trombone
c:Baritone/Euphonium
d:French horn
e:Tuba

i) I want to be able to play a fundemental scale on each of these instruments and know the fingerings.
ii) I want to be able to have enough chops to give’r and play the harmonic ranges of all these instruments without too much bubble blowing.
iii) I want to develop an ear for tuning so that i can know what a ‘C’ sounds like etc.

2. I want to understand how to transpose, why there are two kinds of transposition and when you would use either/what instruments.

After i get this all down i’ll drag out my clarinet, my saxophone and i’ll re-rent a flute to remind myself how each of them is playtested for a time later on in my career that that comes in handy.

I think this will be my new years resolution, and my first timed goal on this site. Its a big one, and frankly i don’t know where i would even want to start.

I picked up Deepak Chopra’s ‘Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ at the library the other day.

I agree with lots of it, feel like he’s hitting me over the head with some of it, and rolled my eyes maybe twice..
Something in it though which struck me and caught my current state of mind was the part in ‘The Law of Detachment’ where he talks about uncertainty.

Uncertainty, and the confused deer-in-headlights effect it has on me is a major source of anxiety in my life, or has been.

Its been a week and a bit with the Celexa and I should mention that it feels good.
I am grasping less and less for ‘security’ or perceived concepts of security anyway, and i still feel like my add self, i don’t feel numbed in the least, just less coiled up, and a touch more level.. its a better place to ‘work from’ :)

Anyway: Uncertainty

‘In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure i will feel, because uncertainty is the path to my freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty i will find my security.’ -Chopra

I love this idea.
In fact i feel like that is a concept i will adopt as my mantra for the next few weeks. I feel like it can become an autopilot reaction to the anxiety for now and perhaps as well for the time when/if i decide to cut out the medication.

I was able to shift my the course of my frustration with authority figures and bullies into a certain reverence and make them in concept my ‘zen master’(s)... i’m psyched for this next challenge.

Its completely disabling at worst, and mildly irritating at best. it makes me feel inconsitent and causes people to assume that i’m lacking self esteem.

I know deep down that everything is okay, that this too shall pass, that i am mortal and blessed to have the opportunity to fail. I know that i’m worth knowing and that i’ve got lots to offer the world, BUT…

I get caught in loops of self-judgement that it seems are impenetrable by normal means of physical activity, meditation, yoga, discussion…. i have never done the therapy thing, and the only thing that psychologists/atrists ever tell me is that i’m perfectly normal, well… no. Thats not the case.

I seek out approval in embarassing and irrational ways, i eat emmotionally, i cause drama and fish for complements, i abuse my body with over indulgent drinking and smoking, i have giagantic long distance bills from calling old friends who can talk me down, or just listen to me rant for hours at a time until i start to feel normal again. I have cut and otherwise damaged myself in the past. I wouldn’t say that i’m prone to depression, in fact i have a pretty sunny disposition for the most part, maybe even perky! I have occasional panic attacks and a few years ago, i was prescribed Ativan for occasional self-medication and have been using it pretty steadily once or twice a week just to keep on top of the times that my palms start to sweat and i can feel myself tumbling out of control.

For the most part i don’t think its entirely apparent how much i struggle with this, i don’t think that many people aside from close friends can see me for what i am. I think most people just see the slightly neurotic and perhaps adhd young lady that i probably am, and that’s great, but i would just like a normal week.

I would like a week where my heart isn’t racing, and where i’m not caught thinking about something for so long that the dominoes start falling and i’m late for work, and then in trouble, and then akward and flustered all day.

I’m a good girl, i mean well, i want to be the person i know i am all the time. I know most people probably feel like this, but I really don’t know what else i can do. I’ve tried everything i can think of up til now, and now i’m getting serious about it.

I got a scrip for ‘celexa’ today and i guess it will be a few weeks/month until i have an idea of what effect it might have on me and my life but i am hopeful.

My doc suggested that i start on a lower dose and build up to the daily dose and i’ll see her in a month about it…

I don’t like the idea of becoming reliant on anything. I don’t like that i’m looking beyond my determined heart to deal with this but after all these years of struggle, i want a break.
I love my energy and enthusiasm and other things that start with E, but i’d like to know whats on the other side of that.

Maybe i could have a beneficial and mutual relationship?
Maybe i could be better at my job?
Maybe i could have stronger relationships with my friends and family because ill be more apt to listen to them, rather than always trying to make sense of my headspace out loud in their confidence.

Maybe, and maybe not. We’ll see.

i need to relax dammit.
i got a text from my landlord that is foreboding… its foreboding because i like living here.
I’m sure it is something that can be worked out, and if not, i can totally find another place. My life is good. I need to just be happy and open to what comes.

i’m working on it.

I need to stop asking for other people to re-assure me and learn to self soothe and not to get so freaked out.
I’m IN CONTROL here, no one else… its my life and i need to stop being so anxious. I haven’t done anything wrong.

Its stressin’ me out not to know still but i’m making efforts to be constructive in the meantime.

I can’t wait to know what the future holds… but i must.
I also have to CHILL THE F OUT!

I took myself out for a windowshopping sunday afternoon walk this weekend just to get some me time and sort through the things in my head. Its good to get that space not from the people i love, but to be able to see them clearly.

:)

I’m so grateful for all that i’ve been given and for all the skills and talents i’ve aqquired.
:) YAY ME

I have to bite the bullet and start sending out resume’s to compare what might be available to me in terms of actual offers.
Its a scary prospect because i don’t have a solid favourite option at this point and because my life will probably stall wherever this job ends up taking me for at least 3-5 years while i pay down my loans and get some experience.

I don’t know what to expect and I don’t really know what i’m looking for beyond the basics:

-Someone who knows the trade that i can learn from
-The opportunity to get lots of repetition and consistent work
-A place to live that doesn’t depress me and make me want to flee
-A decent salary/benefits package/ability to work 2 jobs to pay down my loans as quickly as possible.

I could work with ANYONE i know this because i have worked with crazy people and kind of secretly loved the punishment. It adds to the challenge a little bit.

So yeah… lots of things dangling that i hope to have solutions for in the next TWO WEEKS. Scary-YAY!

I want to have a job in the first week of MAY NAILED DOWN!!!!

I’m reading Paolo Choelo’s ‘Eleven Minutes’ right now and i’m wrapt!

The paralels between the protag. and i in this moment of our experiences are so in line that i feel like he is my own little life coach.

I need to let go, to embrace the adventure and trusting in myself to let go some of my control.

I’m so afraid to love, to connect because i guess, i felt such a fool, and it tore so much from me when it didn’t work.

I’ve been looking at it wrongly, because the moments the ‘now’s little tiny gems of sunlight strolls or warm cuddley days under blankets hiding from snow, or meals made with much care and hearing love, the smells of old bookstores and new colognes these tiny little crystaline memories can’t be poisoned with regret, and i need to continue to look forward, live now and the chances we take make room for beautiful failures and collasal waves of melencholy both.

I’m here, lucky to be here, lucky to have this chance to screw up and get over it, and to make mine and someone elses life richer and more beautiful by taking chances even if only for a few moments because:
beauty is fleeting,
life is a gift and
what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

suck it up and stop second guessing yourself.