Choose to be enough

I have so long been grasping for something/someone to hold me together, to be my glue, my sounding board, my reason.

I am feeling an overwhelming alrightness with who i am these days, without needing to reach further.
I have friends and interests, passions and perspective all my own.
I am so grateful for the urge to take the risk i’ve always forgone, and just let life find me.
I hereby stop hunting for dates, for looks in the eyes of others, for desperate kisses in the backrooms of bars, for midnight hugs that need to be asked for.

I sincerely feel like my life is almost very nearly too full for a second job hunting for the elusive sense of security i’ve finally found inside myself.

Booya!
Now, if only i could keep my house clean and tidy!

i’ve been such an engine of perpetual motion for the last forever.
My brain never stops. Just doesn’t.
Even last night trying to sleep i was running loops around a track.

I wonder what all of this means, in the bigger pictures.
All of this worry.

I am happily popping a pill each morning and it DOES take the edge off, the side effects are minimal and I’m really starting to feel the ‘enoughness’. I am not grasping so hard for ‘something’s to make me feel worthy of the wonderful life i have, i’m not obsessively checking my email, or calling friends to talk me down out of a tree all the time.

I am still feeling like myself, so that’s good, just a more balanced self.

This might be a good tool/technique, but i think underneath all this vibration there is a string being plucked in my psyche that could do with some attention, something that might make me not need to take a pill.

i would like to find out more abut that, but in the meantime, i’m going to dig roots into my present and enjoy the growing into myself as it happens. :)
I’m going to enjoy seeing myself the way others see me… it is starting to feel good.
I’m starting to make more eye contact with people too. :)
psychosomatic… perhaps, do i care, NO.

I had a hard realization last week (unfortunately while i was at work!) and a big part of it was that the same pattern of relating to authority figures has re-occured despite my efforts to ‘be better’ or something…

So, yeah, I need to remember that despite my better intentions i tend to come off as a STUBBORN, UNCONVINCED, DEFENSIVE and frankly KNOW-IT-ALL-ISH….

I’m kind of a bitch sometimes, and i just need to embrace it. I need to stop being surprised by these things about myself, and let them breathe instead of getting caught up feeling like a victim of other people’s perceptions.

If more than one person tells you something, its probably worth consideration rather than simply an opinion.

Truth is I was upset because i DO want to do a good job and i want to have a good relationship with my mentors, teachers and colleagues.

I think to do that i need to be more real.
I’m not sure how long it will take, to adjust my mindframe, but I know i’m a good person, and its important to me that other people can get to see that and not just my cover-ups.
I play shy, and i play decisive and i play ‘nice’ and bottle up the realness and the truths that sometimes expose me as IMPATIENT, CARELESS and SELFISH. I am those things too, sometimes. And the bottling up of things makes me explode when least appropriate, like at work when i couldn’t stop crying for 3 hours last week.

I deserve to be honest with myself.
I deserve to pay more attention to how other people react to me and tailor my actions accordingly without getting all defensive and putting up a screen to sheild them from my ‘badness’.

I will try to do this, i have no idea how hard or long a route it will be until it feels natural.
I am flawed and thats probably what makes me so freaking great.

I went to a fabulous vacation spot, with my ex this weekend becasue it was already booked when i broke it off with him. Despite my good intentions to make it a weekend of living and letting live, of making the most of the great time we have spent together..

The first night we get there i end up drunk enough to dance with some random bachelor party attendee in an unflattering and suggestive fashion.

Behold, drama ensues.

I’m not proud of those moments that i am so good at concocting, but they are me, at least my me right now and i have to own them, and the even worse things i might say to make them seem not so bad on the walk back to the hotel we were sharing with his oblivious parents.

Ouch.

It felt nice at the time to be dancing with someone, having fun, getting over the breakup… but it was insensitive especially since i was the breaker-upper. It felt righteous and honest at the time but blatent and perhaps loud/badgering honesty is a bad match with drunken embarasment.

I am ashamed of my actions and sorry for my words, and of the fact that i put in jeopardy the good memories we share by defaming our relationship to each other. Was I trying to make him think less of me somehow to ease the blow? I think if so, thats a faulty strategy since probably he would be more disapointed with his keeping up with me in light of my unflattering facades. Ungraceful.
Its been a good and full 9 months of my life, it has led me to a living situation that is unexpectedly awesome, it has been a challenge and a joy. I hope we can be friends, truly.
Also, I deserve to not put myself in situations like that.

At work all day i think about why i’m not something instead of thinking positively about what i AM.

I look for people to re-enforce what it is about that i know is good, i don’t feel valuable without re-assurance and validation from others.

Its important to be appreciated and seen but in my case it is a handicap that debilitates my confidence and involves me completely in a battle with the illusion of self.

I am a wonderful person.
I am open and considerate and strong and helpful and wise and sharply funny and intelligent.

I need to feel this inside, and stop relying on the people in my life to confirm my worth.

I need to choose to be enough all on my own, to stop grasping for approval and to re-think my relationships with people so that i can be happy and attentive to the suffering of others, to bring joy to my sangha, y’know. ;)