be less crabby

Last week, while driving to school, I had a revelation.

I have been very unhappy for several years. Last year was particularly bad and I had some very low spots. I spiral down pretty badly. This past December, January, and February were also difficult for me for both schoolwork and some things related to my family. I also attended 4 funerals in 17 months: June 2004, February 2005, November 2005, and December 2005. I think that sort of gives a cast of gloom to my life during that time.

Anyway, last week, I realized that my depression has lifted. Nasty thoughts that were regular for me, I have not been having. I don’t feel yucky, emotionally, and hate how I feel.

Honestly, I do not know what snapped. But this month of March has been wonderful. My sister said she knew I was on an upswing when she noticed I had been losing weight. Her theory is that if you feel down, the energy and effort to lose weight (which is work) is not there and you cannot do it.

I think this will go a long way towards not being crabby. I do get irritated with my kids when they abuse a privelege I gave them, or are disrespectful of other people, and other people’s time and things. I get irritated with my husband when he exerts his usual poor communication skills and I get blamed for the issues that arise.

I am trying to be less defensive with people. This is inherent from being picked on constantly throughout elementary and high school. However, I have no reason to be defensive now.

This is a constant goal of mine. I know that there will be periods of time when I am more crabby due to high stress and less crabby due to low stress. But I think I will mark this off.

I feel like a fever has broken.

This goal mainly applies to my family. However, last night I was in a bad mood, and I did not even really realize it until I was being prickly with a friend during an online chat. The bad mood has carried over (mostly because today is a snow day and my father called at 7:30 am to ask if I was awake … no, I was not, but he woke my whole household up and no sleep after two kids and the dog are awake). I feel badly about being how I was last night and I don’t like how I feel today. My mother told me to get some sleep, but, again, with a 5 and 6 1/2 year old (who is being really bratty to the younger child), a nap is not in the cards.

OK, so even though I have a “lack of sleep” headache and my neck hurts as well, I’m going to suck it up, take some deep breaths, and resolve to do the things I need to do, get them done, and not be cranky at my children or friends for today (because today is the only day I can do right now).

My husband said he thinks I am less crabby and high strung now than when we met when I was in college. He said I was not bad at all when I was home with the kids, although I think I was.

I am working on it. I go through phases.

I was raised in a house with a very cranky father. This is no excuse, but it is how I have learned to relate to other people. It is the role model I had for parenting.

I find I am overly cranky for no reason. I could blame being too tired, but even when I get enough sleep I am cranky.

My real goals are: to be a better Mother, to be a better Wife, and to be a better Friend. But, those seem to vague to put on the list. Besides, we are always growing in those capacities. They would never been checked off.