get over a broken heart

I was so tempted to put K.’s number back in my phone. I found out some good news about my job and I really wanted to call him. We always talk about journalism, the field we’re both going into. But I refrained from doing that. It made me sad that I couldn’t call him for the little stuff anymore. But I better get used to it. I still get sad and cry about him. I’m like “damn, can I go one day without crying?” Don’t get me wrong. I don’t sit in my room all day and just cry about him. I have other stuff going on that’s really annoying the crap out of me. But whenever I think about him, I get sad. But I am proud that I’m not giving into my impulse to call him. It’s called self-restraint and doing what is ultimately best for me. I just wish I was over the sadness by now.

Last night, I cut off all means of communication with K.: cell number, AIM screenname, facebook profile, e-mail address, everything. It was hard to do and I wasn’t that happy doing it. But if I don’t want to be stuck on him forever, I had to do it. I realize that he is never going to change and that I can’t change him. He will never give me an explanation for why he lied to me and why he hurt me. He just did and there’s nothing that can be done. It happened and if I spend any more time trying to analyze him, his relationship with C. and the situation, I’m going to drive myself nuts. The more I try to analyze it, the deeper I get in this emotional hole. So I just need to let it go. Just realized that it happened and walk away from it with an important lesson: you can never change anyone and never let anyone bullshit you or step all over you. Call them on their shit right then and there. So the way he lives his life is none of my concern anymore. He made the decision he made and he’ll just have to live with it. After I graduate from college in five weeks, I’ll never see him again. And though the idea of that still hurts, it’s really for the best.

Well, I saw K. and C. together when I went to the bar yesterday. They were sitting with the people that I planned to hang out with that night. So I sat right next to them and acted nonchalant and cool. I wasn’t about to let them see me frazzled. I had to leave out for a bit, so I coolly said “See ya lata, man” to K. And that was it. I figured I would be sad and upset when I walked away. But surprisingly, I didn’t get emotional. In fact, I was pretty calm. So I thought, maybe I’m slowly but surely getting over it. I still get a tinge of jealousy when I see them together, but I’m definitely not emotional about it like I used to be. I’m starting to realize that K. is kind of a doofus, and my attraction to him is starting to slowly diminish. I’m almost to the finish line, but not quite.

Plus, this guy that I’ve had a crush on for a while asked me to come to a party with him tonight. But he can be a bullshitter sometimes, so we’ll see what happens :)

Yeah, so I’ve decidef I’m gonna cut down on the drinking. It’s not that I binge drink or anything, but I discovered that since I’m still depressed over K. breaking my heart, the last thing I need to do is consume a depressant. For some people, alcohol can help them forget or suppress their problems for a little while. For others, it just turns them into a crying mess. That’s how I was last night, on St. Patty’s Day. Of all days to be sad, I had to be sad that day. See, throughout the day, I force myself to not think about K. and push everything to the back. So when I get plenty of alcohol in my system, all those feelings that I suppressed early come out and I’m just, as I said, a crying mess. I’m tired of it. I want to be social, but I don’t want to be the trainwreck girl. I hate when people start getting dramatic after they drink and I don’t want to be that girl. I refuse. So for now on, if I do drink, I’m just going to have a beer or two and be set for the night. The last thing I need to do when I’m this depressed is drink. I end up crying, wake up feeling stupid, and nothing is solved.

I realize from my situation that I never really had closure. K. never gave me an explanation because he continues to deny that he is involved with the girl. And the truth is that he never will give me closure.

I just want him to know if he still thinks about me and if he ever really cared about me. I just really wish he realizes what he has missed out on. But the truth is, even if he did realize, he would never admit it. That would be giving up power and swallowing his pride, something he can’t do. I think I lot of people waste time wishing that the ones that broke their hearts would realize what they’re missing. But that’s just torturing ourselves. I know what I’m worth and that I can do better than him. But I can’t do better than him if I’m still stuck on him. I guess I just have to stop blaming myself. It’s not like I wanted my heart to be broken. It’s not something that can heal easily, and the last thing I need to do is beat myself up about it. Sometimes, I just want to shout at him and say “why did you do this to me?”

One thing I have learned from this is that I will never treat another human being the way he treated me. I will never just toss someone aside like they are just a piece of trash. I just don’t understand how someone can be so manipulative and deceiving and still be able to go to sleep at night with a clean conscience. It would weigh on my soul too much.

It’s really sad. I just really hope that he grows up and realizes that you can’t treat people like that. And even though I don’t like C., his girl, she deserves to be with someone who’s not ashamed to be her boyfriend. I hope that she grows to love herself and realizes that she is worth more than she’s giving herself credit for.

Man, I am really getting tired of feeling like this. I just wish I was over it already. So today, as I was taking my break between my two classes in the journalism lounge at school, I run into K., the guy that broke my heart, and C., his girl. I’m like “great, what a way to start off my day!” But of course, I act like everything is cool and just say hi and go about my way. K. barely looks at me, which kills. Maybe I should explain what happened between us briefly (well, maybe not briefly).

While me and K. were in this dating limbo, he tried to convince me that he was not going out with C. and that she was just being a psycho stalker. Well, it turns out that C’s roommate told me that K. and C. do indeed go out, but he told her to keep it a secret between them. Supposedly, K. is not allowed by his mother to interracially date (K’s black and C’s not), so he told C to keep it a secret. How dumb is that? You’re 21 years old. Date whoever the hell you wanna date. So when I confront both of them about it, guess what they say? “No, we don’t go out.” Mindboggling, isn’t it?

Well, my impression of C is that she’s a lapdog. She cooks and cleans for K, drives him around, and even buys food for his roommates. And K talks crap about her all the time. I know all this through me and K’s mutual friend, J. Obviously, this girl C. is clueless and doesn’t like herself very much. My friends tell me that I should be glad that I’m not in her position, which I am happy about. But it still hurts that K. just blatantly lied to me about being involved with her. Honestly, if I would have known about their involvement, I wouldn’t have touched him with a ten-foot pole. He’s just very manipulative and has issues. It just hurts that he would rather just have a mother figure/lapdog that fulfills his every wish than to have something real with me.

I wanted to actually have a real talk with C. about K., but she wouldn’t believe me. It’s easier to hate “the other woman” than it is to hate the guy you love. The dumb thing is I still care about the guy and I probably will for a while. But I guess my feelings will just have to fade naturally. What else can I do?

As messed up as it may sound, I thinking getting your heart broken is a rite of passage. I think everyone gets their heart broken at least once in their lives. Once you gone through that pain, you’ll appreciate the real thing when it comes. I’m not saying I’m over my broken heart. Far from it. But the best thing I can do for myself is just live and get shit done. If I need to cry, I do. Then after that’s done, I pick myself up and go on with my day. I have no choice. Life’s not going to wait for me. And I know I won’t be stuck on this guy forever. I’m graduating from college in two months and I have my job already lined up. I’m going to get my bachelorette pad together. I’m just very excited to start my life and leaving this garbage, especially that guy, behind.