be more confident

• gave my first injection (and not to a simple patient…but to my scared pregnant friend)!
• went to a party where i didn’t know anyone but the one who was throwing it (and cleverly left unnoticed, very very soon.).
• tried to defeat/live with my migraine…uselessly, but bravely.

i’m beginning to note progress in this field.
a few weeks ago i managed to defend myself from somebody who was accusing and attacking me with no reason at all…i answered him with strenght (and only started tearing after a lot of the argument had already deflagrated on me).
if this had happened one year ago, i probably would have apologised for something i never did wrong, then started crying and fled away in shame.

:-)

“good girl!!” pats herself on the shoulder

sometimes, being confident is about acting. convincing yourself that you are another person, not the shy and goofy one that you are used to know and pity, but a charming, smart young woman who wears heels and goes to a job interview by car on a road she’s never seen before.

yesterday was a day to remember…
the best days in my life were when i was being brave!
being brave in relationships is always worth it.

Ani Di Franco

Anyday

I will lean into you

and you can be the wind

I will open up my mouth

and you can come rushing in

you can rush in so hard

and make it so I can’t breathe

I breathe too much anyway

I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were

I wish you’d make yourself known

probably you don’t know I’m her

the woman you want to call home

I’ll keep my ear to the wall

I’ll keep my eye on the door

‘cause I’ve heard all my own jokes

and they’re just not funny anymore

I laugh too much anyway

I can do that anyday

have you ever been bent or pulled

have you ever been played like strings

if I could see you I could strum you

I could break you

make you sing

but I guess you can’t really see the wind

it just comes in and fills the space

and everytime something moves

you think that you have seen its face

and I’ve always got my guitar to play

but I can do that anyday

i wrote a short story and sent it to a competition.

!!!!!!!!!!

i wasn’t shy at all today.
woke up and decided i had to phone some old friends, and just did it.
O__O
o my god
am i changed?!

yeah! i’m irresistible! eheh :-D
i only have to get used to the idea of me being actually smart, without panicking every time i realize it.
easier to say than to do!!

tomorrow i’m gonna give handmade-thankyou-biscuits to a girl i don’t even know, to whom i asked a big favour some time ago (HUGE amount of courage needed). o my god how nervous i am.
i need to act like i am a confident nice self-esteemer happy girl, i have to make friends and give a good impression.
then, after this enormous action has taken place, i have to act even more bravely to ask a horrible professor to sign a document i had to have signed more than a year ago – o heavennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_{edit (next day) the girl didn’t show up – grrrrrrrrr – but the professor wasn’t horrible at all. i guess it was my attitude that won. i was really brave and confident today! and it was exhausting! but “bravo!” to me!!!!}

_{trying again tomorrow…hope everything goes well and then i can stop worrying (for this thing at least).}

...with a smile on my face and a joke on my lips

fight! fight! fight!

he treats me like i’m a stupid little girl sometimes. or a stubborn selfish brat. or somebody who’ll never achieve something good (graduating, for example).

and it makes me feel like chicken shit…

i stopped arguing, or even thinking about arguing with him, a while ago, but i’m now realizing how much this behaviuor affected me and my consideration for myself.
i am starting to react again now…i don’t want arguments, but it seems my father can communicate only by arguments, orders and strong criticism…

i feel horrible afterwards. but i have to be strong and not to give up speaking my mind, oterwise i will never regain my self-esteem and confidence.