survive my long distance relationship

Two months have succesfully passed and the long distance relationship has been progressing. I had prrior fears that are still dancing around my head, but I’ve come to a place where I’ve accepted our relationship has a whole and understand that sometimes life takes us down different paths. His is up there, and mine is down here at this very moment in our lives.

I’ve become accustomed to him being away, and our methods of communication solely rely on text messages sent throughout the day, instant messaging and the occassional 30 minute phone call in the evenings.

I’ll be seeing him in a few more weeks, and while I’m looking forward to it, I can wait the two weeks til then.

He said it best when he was dropping me off at the airport during our last visit. “It’s not so bad. It’s like me going on vacation and seeing you for a little while before I have to go on vacation again.”

Certainly does.

Everyone warned me about the difficulties of the long distance relationship, but I think I’ve been pretty fortunate thus far. He left mid-August and since then we’ve had our share of ups and downs, however it’s been working out and gradually progressing. Despite the four hundred plus miles between us, there’s a sense of closeness between us. Even though the realistic side of me still has some doubts, I’ve done the best I can to stay positive.

Lucky for me, I’ve been able to visit him twice since he’s been up there; once in september and again this past weekend. The first time was rather rough, considering that we were still in the middle of battling some issues and I was almost certain that it would not last. But this second visit changed my mind. It’s brought us so much closer and I have to admit that parting our ways this time around was so much easier. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gotten a feel for the flow of our relationship.

I’m due to visit again in a few weeks when midterms for the both of us are over. After that weekend, he comes home for Thanksgiving Vacation and we have a week to find opportunities to connect.

I can’t say that I’d be happier if he was a thirty minute drive as opposed to a six hour trek, but I’m happy with the way things are. We talk as much as we can, but I enjoy my time away to grow and to learn about myself.

Things are good. And I’m happy.

Two weeks ago, we spent the weekend together and shortly afterwards, things started to take a turn for what I thought was the worst. He started to act a bit more distant, somewhat cold hearted, and even a little inconsiderate. The whole time I was trying to figure out what I might’ve done, and it was the point where I was sad about and scared to get hurt that I was going to call it quits.

I’m glad I waited it out and didn’t allow my anxiety to get the best of me because things have been absolutely fantastic between us. He’s been more attentive as of late and has been calling/texting me more just to talk which is a HUGE improvement considering that he isn’t a phone person. First time he’s ever really shown a mild case of disappointment if I failed to call back, and it’s the first time he’s every expressed the desire to want to talk more than once on the phone.

It’s continually getting better and it’s been officially one and a half months since he’s been away. He expressed his excitment for my second visitation in two weeks, something he did not do the first time he knew I was coming.

I’m giddy, but realistic and know to enjoy this bliss before the times get more difficult.

I’ve started to wonder why it is that it’s been such a breeze for me to get by the past three weeks of him being gone. Could it be the blush of a new relationship? Am I more secure than I thought? Is it because I know that within a few weeks passing he and I will see each other again? Did he and I really mentally prepare ourselves that well for this?

Or is it simply because I wasn’t looking for a relationship to begin with and his absence is giving me the much desired space that I wanted (for personal reasons of course)?

I mean, I had gotten out of a five year relationship and got over it prior to his entrance into my life. I wasn’t exactly looking into being tied down but of course, He was amazing and I wanted to see where it was going to go.

Sure, I may just be an optomist, but the inner cynic in me wonders if it’s more than just that. Because the truth is that I’m embracing my space and I like the fact that I’m reaping the benefits of having the best of both worlds – my space and a great guy.

I guess we’ll see after this week. I’m spending four days with him this week when I make my monthly visit.

My friend Rob said it best when he said that being in a long distance relationship is like being stuck on an emotional rollercoaster. “You will endure more drops, twists, turns, and will climb such great heights that will move so quick that you barely have enough time to catch your breath,” he said. And now that I’ve come to actually be in one, what he said could’ve never been more true.

That was the same night he asked me long and hard whether or not I was ready to commit to a relationship that I knew I would have to change every single one of my bad dating habits, which include, but are not limited to: being the clingy, need-to-be-with-him-every-waking-moment, jealous, insecure, and selfish girlfriend that I’ve been in previous relationship. I couldn’t be that girl anymore. I had to understand him and understand his personality, his needs, and I had to respect that fact that there would be times when he couldn’t be there for me – both physically and emotionally.

And I won’t lie. It’s been hard.

Every night that I don’t hear from him, I worry and I wonder what it is that he’s up to and whether or not he’s thinking of me. The moment that he makes a mention of another female, I pray to the omniscient other above that he finds her unattractive, that she has a boyfriend, and sometimes even both. I wonder whether or not he makes a mention of me to every girl that he meets, let alone anyone at all.

The only thing that’s been able to soothe the aches of loneliness is knowing that we had an amazing summer together and even though our relationship is currently “in hibernation,” as he so cleverly says, I know that when we see each other it’ll wake up even for a brief moment.

Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like this relationship is real because he’s not physically there to serve as proof of our existance. I guess the only way to look at it is to look at it as though it were air – you can’t see it, but you can feel it sometimes and you know it’s a part of you when you stop and take a moment to take it in.

And the time alone has allowed me to develop a relationship with myself and those around me. The absence has allowed me the opportunity to appreciate the little things that I would’ve normally glanced over, like a simple text that says hello or a special greeting with a petname tacked at the very end. I would take the random phone calls for granted otherwise, and the feeling I’d get from being in his presence would be much more diluted.

So I’m somewhat grateful even though I spend half the day worrying. But the other half, I’m good because I know that he cared enough to want to sustain and preserve (if not develop) what we had and to see where it goes. And I’m hopeful in the fact that we’ll be okay. That’s the only way I can look at it because the minute I start to doubt, that’s when I know it’s over.

It’s funny how a certain someone could change you in so many ways, transforming you from one person to another. I didn’t expect mysel to be fine with the distance, considering that the other relationship I had been in involved me being around the other person every single day, but the truth is that it hasn’t been that bad. At least not yet.

Thank god for webcams, though. It’s been what’s helping me keep my sanity asides from talking to him whenever I get a chance.

I would’ve never imagined that I would ever find myself involved in a long distance relationship, let alone with someone whom I barely started dating. I have no idea what prompted the sudden change in heart, but sometimes I’d like to think that I’ve never met anyone who was ever worth it until now.

He moved a week ago and will be gone for two school years which, if you think about it, wouldn’t be too bad considering that there are fifteen weeks in a semester and he’ll be home for the summers. There’s a week vacation for each term and he will be home for winter break (6 weeks) and hopefully summer (3 months).

I won’t lie… it’s been tough coping with the thought of him being so far away, without him around, and it’s been even tougher knowing that he’s exploring a new environment and meeting new people, which so happens to include girls.

I’m a nervous wreck half the time, and the other half I’ve been able to hold my own. It’s going to be a tough battle, but I’ve been mentally preparing myself for war since day one (with his help of course).

I just hope I can stay strong.