So there’s a reason why this is #1 on my list of things to do. Can’t do much else if you aren’t happy with yourself. And as much as you may want to escape, there is no escape. Believe me, I’ve tried. The deluge of relevant song lyrics comes pouring in.
I’m back to this point, where I’m not entirely comfortable in my skin. It’s happened before, and I’ve worked my way through it. When I was sixteen, I didn’t feel like I knew myself at all. I felt like I was crazy, and lost in a fog. I had a short-lived journal that I titled Non Compos Mentis – Latin for not sound of mind. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I found myself, and I was happy with that person.
Then about the time I was turning twenty, it was time to deal with something new. I was brought up Christian, and was always struggling with my attraction towards women, and how it was wrong to be gay; finally, I decided that I was going to love and be loved by whomever I wanted. It is my feeling that God is love after all. And again I could deal with who I’d become.
I don’t think that this item is ever going to get checked off my list either. We as people are constantly evolving and changing in who we are. Sort of a butterfly effect on the personality. And though I may come to that point where I love who I am again, down the road I can see me losing that loving feeling due to something else. Unless I manage to adapt myself image along with myself.
So my issue right now deals very much with the issue I mentioned before. But sexuality isn’t my only problem, it’s also gender. And this is a huge topic for me to delve into. After all I’ve done a 10-page paper (at least 10 pages if I remember correctly) about how on a biological level a dichotomous gender classification system is pretentious at best.
Here’s the thing. As far back as I can remember I was attracted to girls. But according to my religion that was wrong. So as a kid I used to pray at night that God would turn me into a boy. So that I wouldn’t be wrong. I’ve heard that there is a movie out there where sort of the same thing happens, but I’ve never seen it.
On top of that, I was a huge tomboy. One of the things that my dad said to me some time after I told him I was gay sticks in my mind. Something to the effect of “I tried to make you into a boy, I guess it worked a little too well.” He wasn’t kidding. So here I am always figuring that I have the wrong body.
And I still sort of do. But at the same time, I’m just me. And if I’m not the body, then I’m not really me. I mean there’s always FTM but I really just think of it as cheating. I mean if I were a boy my whole life would be different, every last detail. So I don’t know if being a man now would really make much difference to me. And it’s a little farther than I’d like to take things.
Besides when you label things, I don’t think I come out of the balance as butch. But rather some where in the middle. And I think that it’s this in the middle thing that gets to me the most. People want labels for things. I want labels for things. It just makes it easier to deal with. But some times all the pieces just don’t fit. So even if I manage to get away from the boy girl thing, there’s still the butch femme thing.
And notice I didn’t say man woman. I have an issue with that word. Woman. I don’t feel like a woman, and yes that tune is going through my head. I have the body of a woman, certainly. I’ve been hearing a lot lately, based on reactions to pictures, that I have a very nice body. And I agree to some extent in my own humble ways. If I wear the right clothes, sure I can look good. But those aren’t the kinds of clothes I like, or feel comfortable in. And even if I would wear them I’d feel silly cause my short hair doesn’t go with it so well. Then I get to the underneath part. Underneath my clothes, not so happy with.
So there’s the gender thing. There’s the body image. And then there’s sexuality. I’m back to the point where I don’t know what I want. I’m being incredibly open, and for the world to read, but I don’t care. This is me, do with it what you will. And I say that like I am happy with myself.
Anyway, I’m rather inexperienced sexually for my age in this time. I am still sort of of the mind set that I am willing to love anyone, and have them love me in return, be they male or female, or even like me some where in between. But this whole question of me, leaves me wondering about them. Who plays what role in the relationship? I tend to like femme girls; trouble is they all look straight. Would being with someone like that help me with my problem? Because I could allow myself to be as masculine as I wanted. Could I really be in a relationship with a man? Would he be able to deal with this? And what about people in general?
If I wear a hat in public, and the right clothes, I could pass for a 12-year-old boy. I’ve been yelled at for being in the women’s restroom before. I wanted to grab my breasts full on in my hands and say, “yeah, no shit.” But I didn’t. Most of this stuff I can deal with, but it also gets to me. I’m okay, and it isn’t constant. But it’s not going away either.
And I don’t plan on being alone forever. They say though that you have to love yourself, before you can love someone else. But I’m not exactly sure that this is an issue that I can work out on my own. I’m not even sure where to start, or just how to deal with it. So this mass confusion, and much more where it came from, is what I have to work through, in order to say, “I’ve done this.”
