stop picking my skin

Hey guys, (gals probably)
So day 1 to be quite fair, if a day is an absolute no pick day.

But my picking is, in general, WAY better than it used to be. I hardly ever get stuck in the mirror anymore, the shower isn’t a dangerous zone, and I can often quit after one or two picks.

I have consistently put an effort into this, and I have talked about it with other people. I found two friends in real life who pick, and I talk to them about it sometimes. Like, about my problem and how I feel.

And it was really useful to get the free counseling at my school.

I think the shame I have wrapped up in this is way more damaging than the skin picking. I’m working on somehow swallowing that I do this, I skin pick, have for years, and that I’m trying very hard to stop.

Also, I’ve found that lavish attention to my skin is helpful. Every once in a while I’ll take a soaking bath with like, lavendar and salt and stuff in it, and then exfoliate (I like to use espresso grounds, but I’m kind of a hippie and like to make my own stuff and I have a theory that the caffeine stimulates blood flow, based on nothing but my imagination), then I get all goobed up w/ coconut oil, like the cooking kind that comes in a jar and looks like butter. My sister told me it’s antibacterial, anti fungal, and it feels great. I usually put some in my hair for the heck of it.

Anyways. After all that, I feel so happy and like, self indulging, that I’m not anywhere near the anxious, neurotic state I usually am when I start picking. Plus the coconut oil is too greasy to touch.

Anyways. I am starting on Day 1. The goal is certainly a pick free day, but in general, my picking is getting so much better through self love and attention.

Oh, here’s another trick I learned in counseling, keep an index card in your pocket w/ the date on it. When you pick, get it out and make a hash mark. Then you have a tally of all your picks. This is extremely helpful.

Ok. Short and sweet: I was on here about a year ago. Since then I have: Received professional help for what is an OCD behavior (skin picking)
Made pretty good progress in finding ways that work to either replace the behavior or become more aware of it so that I don’t do it unconsciously
Become much more aware of “danger” times, feelings, patterns.

So I have been really good about picking lately, and I am starting another round through the 12 steps (I’m in recovery). So this round asks me to choose three areas of life that I want to work on. And then I write about:
Obsession, Destruction, Denial and Compulsion

Then I write about Control, Unmanageability and Powerlessness

Basically I admit that I’m powerless over this. Which, ridiculously, I am loathe to do although I clearly am, since I compulsively do it. There’s relief on the other side of the process of step work though, I know it, cause it just means I eventually bring in principles to deal with and address this issue that same way it’s worked for other issues.

Anyways.
Day 1. Why the fuck not.

Hi Carrie.

hi, so today, pretty good. minimal picking, some reflexive stuff, nothing intentful. see if I make it through the night.

Howdy. Well since I haven’t really been checking on here I haven’t really been doing that great.
Back to the game plan.

I think it helps me more when I count days.
Anyways. Last night bought some fancy-schmancy skin cream I’ve had my eye on for forever but never bought. I like taking care of myself. I’ve noticed this:

When I don’t sleep enough I pick WAY more. It ups the anxiety like a million.

Still have to do the graph thing.
Drop in counselling was full, I need to make an apt. for next week.
And my sponsor and I keep missing eachother, so I haven’t talked to her.
But, hey, I keep coming back!

Peace.

Ok, so today, pretty dang good so far. I started to pick when I was on the phone with my mother (she is a stress machine, I swear) but I put my hands down. Last night I wanted to pick a lot but I stopped it. But I did a little.
Today, none at all, that’s my goal.

Game Plan: buy graph paper and try that thing
Game Plan: Go to drop in counselling and reveal my terrible dark secret to someone.
Game Plan: Call my sponsor (recovery lingo for those not in the know) and tell her I went to see a counsellor and that I’m trying to stop picking at my skin. She knows a little, just not the extent. I’m so ashamed of this. It’s fucked up how dirty and bad it feels to do this.

Ok. Peace out ladies.

Hi, Here I am, ready to go off on my day. I haven’t picked today but I keep fucking with a spot up my my eyebrow, like I’d like to pick it. I will not, I will instead go about my day, and pray.

Ok. Later, I think today will be good. Big bio test that I’m ready as hell for.

So I don’t know if I should count time anymore, I have picked a little today, and yesterday. Anyways. Tomorrow or the next day I’m going to see a drop in counsellor at the school. Go ahead and fess up to someone. That’ll be sweet.
“Say, I seem to have this problem where I can’t stop tearing little pieces of my skin off…” Yuck.
Oh well. I guess I’m just a sick monkey. Seriously. Ever seen those videos of monkey’s who are victims of those wicked psych experiments where they like, raise them with wire mothers all alone? The monkeys look like neurotic humans, all picking at themselves and huddling up with their arms wrapped around themselves. I don’t know why I do this, but it’s definitely in times of stress.

Side note: Found some videos on youtube about how to stop, at least one is from a counsellor. “Trich” as in I think trichlomania or something like that, is the official name of a disorder that seems to include skin picking (though trich mainly refers to hair pulling). There’s some interesting sites out there.

Side note 2: Anyone here gone ahead and paid the dollar a day or whatever that the “stoppicking.com” site wants?

Side note 3: There are three support groups in my area (area being defined as a 100 mile range) for picking/hair pulling. One cost $$ and is far, one is free and far, and one meets once a month right here in my town. Tuesdays. 7 pm. Will I be brave enough to go?

I keep hoping I’ll be like, cured by the next meeting so I don’t have to go. Or I worry I’ll go sit in a room with a bunch of wierdo’s who pick at themselves and have scars all over them or something.

Is it fundamentally dishonest to spend this much time thinking/trying to control/address/recover from this and not talk about it with any of the people I share my life with? I have obliquely addressed it with my sponsor and my sisters know.

Anyways. All the sites say don’t quit quitting, so heeeeyyyy, ladies, here I am.
Peace.

Maybe I shouldn’t count time? Maybe I should just keep the time I had? I picked yesterday. And I have a little today. Not the big fest in the mirror, but the constant roaming my face and scratching off little things. Eck.
I had a hard day yesterday, little sleep, some disappointment, and my fall back is neurotic self damage. WTF.

I’m keeping the time cause I am trying consistently, and the damage isn’t bad, and I need to not touch my face at all anymore, that would help. Anyways, I was just doing homework and decided to come log in cause it’s a reminder of what is my focus right now.
Ok. Just for today, no picking. no face touching. I can do it. Bye.

I’m writing again today because the day has been hard, but ok. I haven’t picked today but I keep touching my face, a lot, and starting to do that shit where I like run my fingers around my hair line and stuff to find things. I keep stopping, but still it’s been difficult.

But that’s ok. Here we are, the end of day 10. This is almost as much time as I’ve ever had, which is kinda sad if you think about it. Like, I’m not an ugly girl, but not leaving my skin alone has definitely affected my looks. I don’t liek the shame I have around it.

Since I got clean and started working steps there’s really not a lot of stuff that I have shame around. I try to approach my life in an active, honest way and keep things grounded in principles. How ridiculous then that there is this whole area of my life, this daily stuggle against skin picking, that I don’t talk about to anyone and can only find relief in online sites where I don’t have to admit it to anyone that knows me. I’m tired of this feeling of shame and self-digust and like…I’m doing things that I’m not ok with doing. Cause, really, I’m not ok with picking my skin. I deserve better then this.

Grrimatiger- Thanks. I really almost try to use this site like a meeting, when I was on here before I was actually doing a 90/90 and counting off my 90 days in the title space along with whatever day I was on for picking. And just like meetings, this is the only, only place I’ve ever gotten any relief from this thing, so I guess I’ll keep doing what works. And I’ve been praying like a motha too. I’m tired of doing this, but I guess that’s where I have to be to quit, eh?