So today I just wanted to walk with more confidence. So I did,it, apparently to well. One girl yelled out, who the fuck is she… as I was walking by. I kindly ignored the young lady. Apparently someone important, if I got your attention. She was worried about me, I wasn’t worried about her.
I believe this is a result of my put on confidence. It’s the same as saying, who does she think she is. For some strange reason, people (insecure people) are always worried about how someone feels about themselves. Why you mad.
Then 20 mins.later a guy yelled out, you confident, I see you. So obviously I was doing too much. But I didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t doing extra, I wasn’t switching, I was just walking. I also had on heels that click real loud and draw attention to you. If I walked the same way and didn’t have on heels, I don’t anyone would have cared.
Anyone, I am going to continue walking with confidence. I hope I’m not overdoing it but I didn’t feel like I was. The only time people comment on my walk is when I have on heels. I don’t know if I walk different in heels or if heels just draw more attention.
If you accept yourself, for the most part, so will other people. It’s a struggle though. I’ve been trying to feel good about myself for years without success. Maybe I have made some improvement, I use to be afraid to leave the house cause I felt too ugly. I am feeling more attractive most days but still have low self esteem.
I am a relatively cute girl but it’s hard to feel good enough. One is because for a long time people talked about my size. Family, friends and strangers. When everyone is saying the same thing, you really become convinced something is wrong with you. But this isn’t the typical overweight girl story. I am underweight but when everyone is talking about you, it hurts the same.
I know that we push how we view ourselves onto others. So if I thought I was good enough, so would others and vice versa. But because I put out such a bad energy (low self worth) people tend to see me negatively. Not all people. I get my compliments and I have guys who like me.
There is a big girl in my class. Really pretty girl but bigger than average. She doesn’t have the best shape but she is so confident and people respect her. If she carried herself different, people probably wouldn’t. The same with another really skinny girl in my class. Pretty and confident, so people still like her and are drawn to her.
It proves my assumption about size was wrong. I thought if you weren’t ideal, people wouldn’t want to associate with you. These girls are not ideal sizes but are still beautiful and have people drawn to them. I hope to be that pretty girl soon.
Let it be. Let it be. I just gotta be me. I can’t fight against who I am anymore. Let it be.
Hopefully I learn to just be. Be here and accept who and where I am in life. I don’t have to always imagine myself being better. I don’t have to focus or fight to be something more. Of course it’s good to progress,but I must first acknowledge I am blessed. I feel I need to accept where I am and who I am first. Otherwise life become nothing more than a journey to be more and get more. It’s always about getting the next thing, instead of being here and enjoying the present. Anyway, I think just being and loving who I am is what confidence is all about. Love.
Well today I walked to school for 23 mins. I decided to do a sort of walking meditation. It was tough but worth it. I tried to keep my thoughts in the present. Enjoy all the beauty around me and be here. I decided it wasn’t about getting there but being in that moment. It’s tough but I’ll keep doing it. Today was a good day, though nothing actually went right. I just decided to experience it as good anyway.
I keep reminding myself to walk in love, confidence and abundance. I am good enough and lovable as is. I feel that because my energy shifted, so did the people around me. People where more helpful and I was surprised by it. I live in Baltimore. One of the toughest most violent cities in the country. A lot of people are not social, stay to themselves and have a nonchalant attitude. I decided I’d see the beauty rather than the rough surface. Though everyone appears to be rough, I know they all have the same love and want the same things as me.
It made me feel good that people wanted to help me. It was a reminder that I was good enough. I am good enough. I made a choice that when a person chooses not to love me, my self love won’t stop. I can still love me. Their lack of love is their problem. I can’t control how people perceive me and am releasing my desire to change their perception. It’s their minds.
I believe I may have encountered some rude people today but I never made it my issue. I am love and peace. I may fall off but I’ll keep treading down the path that feels good. Seeing the beauty in a rough world is tough. Seeing the beauty in a flawed girl is tough. But love and beauty are the new concepts of my life. I feel good. This feeling may not be permanent but I am laying down a foundation of love. The foundation may crumble because it’s not built on a strong solid ground but I can always build it back. Peace is a journey and I’m walking it. Love.
So I’ve made a goal to surrender to myself. I guess that’s a huge part of being confident. It isn’t a easy goal but I’ll pray for guidance. I surrender to loving who I am now. From who I am on the inside, to who I am on the outside. I surrender to accepting where I am in life. 23, no job, about to begin school again. That’s just fine. I accept this. Accepting doesn’t equal complacent or stagnant. I can still grow while accepting who I am.
I am about to be 24 in Jan. I’m not going to be, where I’m suppose to be, from a society perspective, but I am at peace with that. It’s not tied to my worth as a person. It’s very freeing to disconnect your worth from external circumstances. When you confidence is tied to success, money and looks, you become a slave to your circumstances. It is emotionally freeing to surrender to what is now. Each day I will surrender more to who I am presently, allowing me to live more presently because I am no longer racing towards who I could be in the future.
I always wanted to live more in the present and realized, only through acceptance of my present, can I live in the present. By accepting who I am and where I am, I can live more, free. Acceptance also leads to confidence. BUT I feel my goal is leaning more towards being fully at peace with my MYSELF, than confidence.
I was in a battle to change acne, blemishes, weight and basically everything. I was fighting against who I am. This caused mental pain and chaos. I don’t wanna fight. Life isn’t about war. It’s about surrendering to what is, with love and acceptance. I’d rather be at peace, than be what “they” think is good enough. To love and confidence.
I always wanted to adopt that goal, it’s so closely related to this one. Though I haven’t put it on 43t, I have made this a goal. What a powerful one also. It’s tied to confidence and being yourself which I want both.
I realized that for a long time that I’ve been defending against people thinking or talking negative. Whether random comment from passer by or someone I love. I fight against them and subconsciously try to prevent anyone from saying anything bad.
The energy I was putting out to defend against being talked about was the same energy that attracted negative people to me. Walking insecurely because I felt like I wasn’t good enough to walk with confidence. Constantly thinking they are gonna think this or that once I walk by. Such high insecurity. I decided one day to repeat the mantra “I accept and I’m at peace with whatever people think about me.” I tried to feel what I was saying. I embodied a completely different energy. I was no longer worried about them.
What we focus on we get more of. I got more negative comment by focusing on their negativity and defending subconsciously against it. By putting the focus on not caring what people think, you are inadvertently caring more because it’s your focus. That’s like itching and saying I’m gonna focus on not itching. All you’ll be able to think about is scratching yourself. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.
By making peace with their thoughts instead of defending against them, I did stop caring in that moment. I felt good and some guy told me I looked good. Whatever you think about me, I’m at peace with. The thing is it was hard to keep up. The next time I went out I forgot to do my “mantra”, which was I am at peace…. so I went back to defending. If I practice being at peace with others thoughts of me repeatedly maybe I will no longer put value on their thoughts. Besides 98% of people’s thoughts have no real effect on my life. The value of their thoughts is only in my head.
1.Stop comparing myself to other people
2. Stop criticizing others looks in my head
3. Stop being in awe of others looks (appreciation and awe are 2 different things)
4. stop worrying about what others think of me.
5. Stop the negative self-talk. (Why is it that I will say bad things about myself, that I’d feel bad about saying to someone else. I need to treat myself better and stop hurting my own feelings).
1. do positive visualization
2. do positive thinking
3. tell myself everyday in the mirror I’m a beautiful amazing loving lovable woman.
Honestly, this may be my most difficult goal and my most desired one. Maybe if the goal of being confident is too big I should break it down into smaller goals. Since I have too many goals on my list, I will do that later.
Well I went looking for a job today. I tried to walk with my head high and appear confident. I did pretty good. I will continue to work on walking tall, confident and head up. Walking confident did help me to feel more confident.
I have to work on speaking up though. I found myself sounding timid. I’ll be okay.
Yes I’m still on my journey to confidence. But when I went outside today I found myself feeling insecure and inferior. Then some girl said something mean about me. I know why she did it. To tear me down and uplift herself. She wasn’t a looker. Actually I was more pretty.
I still felt like it was my fault that she wanted to verbally attack me. But her putting me down shows her lack of confidence not mine. But whenever people put me down I feel like it’s my fault, though I know they are insecure. This does make my journey to confidence harder but I’m making a choice to learn to love myself. Learning love can be a long process but I’m ready to get there.
Am I becoming more confident? I’d say slowly but surely I am. I am spending less time beating up my size. I am extra model thin naturally. It’s been hard up to this point to deal with but we have to love ourselves through thick and thin. It’s my body. It’s not made to mentally please another. Only I need to love it.
We women all want to be a “sexy” size, but forget being what they think is sexy. Confidence is sexy. I’m not gonna customize my size to men, I’ll customize the men to my size.
Anyway through positive visualization I am slowly and surely becoming more confident. Also with age and wisdom. 22 by the way. I just try to visualize myself in situations that I am insecure in. Then I change the situation in my head to a more positive one. It’s reprogramming my mind to be more confident and I subconsciously act the way I would in my visualization.
Anyway I still got a ways to go. Let’s get it girls.