Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful.

♥ i feel blessed with my fatigue, plenty of it is created by my wandering soul that does not want to reason with my weary bones and old flesh. recently, i feel more tired than before, possibly still because only a few grams of iron in my body, but perhaps also because i am stepping into a new blooming spring, and people are supposed to be tired after long cold winters. fatigue gives me more room to practice being lazy, and that brings me more wisdom about what i really want to do. there is no strength for much else left.
♥ in my healthy life, there are signs of movement: i shall be starting two rehabilitions classes next week. i truly hope to not fall off that vehicle because of my “too tired to take twenty more steps and reach the main door of the hospital”.
♥ rosebuds. my uncle gave me a big pot of roses, and now everything is flowery again.
♥ somehow, there is a flow of people, coming and going, around me. masculine force and energy. i just wish i would have enough love in my heart so that everyone who enters my domain, would leave as a better person.
♥ opera in the evening, washing all my floors in the afternoon. little plans for a great day.

♥ thankful for the soul, that it lives in me, and does not fall out on the harsh days. or if, then into the music, into the writings.
♥ thankful for my surprising decision to despair while attempting to draw a scetch for my summer travel. it feel so tangible, suddenly, for my flowery mind. the tickets, the websites, the money, the plane. all of it is like an insane brainwave, a tsunami of “how?”. i hope to reach the nirvana of enjoying the process in a few days.
♥ thankful that i discovered a little short movie that i desire to see. such cute “heureka” moments are so precious.
♥ thankful for sitting in a car of a friend for an hour, in dark, listening. love the quality hours.
♥ thankful that i am learning to live within my genealogical terrain. now that i know, that i have so many characteristic features installed in my gene bank, it is easier to make peace with my nature.

♥ today, i travelled a few emotions back, to the last week, and i am still thankful for an evening i saw this documentary: http://vimeo.com/32644846 somehow, the simplicity and colorations of these people helps me to reinforce the right to be myself. and, the fog clears: hindu`s goddes durga has eightteen arms; what i saw here, were many, many, many hands of God.
♥ zen poems. they are inspired by pure wizardry.
♥ i treasure the freedom hidden inside of my growing fatigue (my up-whoopsadaisies-how-early-in-the-morning mouse is very fond of paddling expeditions across my ceiling, no sleep allowed to anyone). too tired to get anything serious done, so i am glueing little yellow lemons on the kitchen wall, making lots of ginger tea, finding my old diaries (read: finding a way in, finally, into mysterious creative “me”). a vacation from the pressing responsibilities, my “i-need-to-get-more-serious-about-my-life” concept calms. again able to find a minute to smile, to make fun of myself.
♥ reading little pieces of joyce meyer`s spiritual tutorial.
♥ a rather stable day, with a surprise in the end. a lovely awkward surprise.

♥ i am in awe of the whole universe. last night, it started to snow. it is like an infinite travel of snowflakes, miraculous guests, through the dark abyss. i was the only one outside, so i was walking on the fresh, untouched snow, leaving a gentle, hesitant trail. almost as if you are in a hospital where someone is cleaning the floor, so you smile apologetically and tiptoe like a ballerina, carefully and quickly over the floor. feels like God in painting a picture for me to understand: i leave a mark on everything i touch.
♥ i was again late for my career course, so now i have something i wish to repair. my inner clock. (our teacher was kind enough to explain in different context, though, that genuinely creative people tend to not be in touch with time. and here i was, thinking that i am simply full of ugly, absurd flaws. i am just genuinely creative. makes me smile cunningly.) but: i am thankful that this course is actually leading me to see that i am overthinking in wrong direction. psychology is like a purifier, the mental weight is starting to drop. plus, i exchanged five sentences with a very kind boy, who sits close to me (the conventional side of people intrigues me: everyone always chooses the same chair). i am re-learning to talk with kind strangers.
♥ my guest ghost mouse, day 4. s/he was late with waking me up. i could sleep an extra hour. the minus side is, that s/he has misunderstood me and seems to think that i like her/him. today, a lot more happy paddling around. i really, really, really cannot handle mice. it disturbs how well they handle me.
♥ it feels relieveing to believe in people and in love. just received an unexpected message saying: “i love you, my angelic fluff.” made me ponder. my faith is weak, lately: i believe when i see. area of work.
♥ a chance to choose, what to do with my evening. a danish movie or meeting a friend. i lead a rich life. did not even notice. it is a day of discoveries.

♥ finding little empowering messages, like “in the heart of the sahara, water from rains that fell millennia ago pools in the waw an namus volcanic crater”.
♥ a cup of organic tea in the early spring sun feels like a very proper basis for stability, at some point of the slow life. and i am not even english.
♥ making peace with distractions. a few months ago, i subscribed to the house mouse page to receive each day a new cute mouse adventure, drawn by ellen jareckie. her mice quickly became my gurus on how to continue being a silly little frog, who likes, loves and hops around. three days ago very real mice moved in with me. i hope that they are mice, not rats. at first, i thought they were staying at the attick, but now i know that it is more complexed. they get in, somehow, and walk around (read: paddle frantically, run a marathon, collect battle experiences with hard concrete) above my head, on the ceiling. very early in the morning. very, very early, indeed. by the hours i manage to sleep, it feels as if i just had a baby. it seems, i consider mice to be a hellish version of that? sigh. the only thing i am thankful for, is: now i do not need to buy an alarm clock. plus, i will need to restart my life. beginning with new mornings. and fight for my home. i wish i would have an idea, how. getting a very tiny, scrawny cat, who could fit in the smallest holes sounds intriguing if i step into the sci-fi field, but in real life it would break my heart. a scrawny cat! poor thing.
♥ read a very neat answer to the question “how are you doing?” on the faraway friends facebook page. he wrote: “really fine. in love”. might sound mundane, but to me, it feels very deep. we are really fine only, when we are in love. nowhere else.
♥ gluten-free life. to me, it feels like a rocket science. my brain is all fluffy, lets me focus on serious sides of existance only for minutes. torture might look tragicomical, yet it runs out of the “comical”, little by little. it is starting to feel tedious to feel sick. it is starting to feel sensible to feel the need to build myself up. already taking a career-change course, giving up on black bread and ice cream. now, all i need, is to fall in love. with everything.

♥ thankful for this challenge. it is like a cha-cha-cha-challenge. easy if your heart knows the steps, scary if it has no rhythm. lately i have to squeeze my heart like a tiny hard lemon to get these five drops of ambrosia. definitely a sign that i am living under a thunderstorm of feelings that guide me to deserts, not to a small cosy french cafe offering desserts.
la creme brulee. thankful for noticing that i have never meet the root of my emotional disequilibrium and taking up a quest to locate its origin.
♥ thankful for the quote i found earlier this week. it says: some people look for a beautiful place. others make a place beautiful. my mantra of gratitude. stop needing, start sharing.
♥ cowberry jam my uncle made for me this summer. on a pancake. with a friend. this morning.
♥ modesty. as a keyword.
♥ strength. as a goal.

♥ promise #356: Cast your burden on Me and I will look after you. i am plotting about trusting the One with the widest shoulders and the warmest hands. cautious trust is probably still better than a clogged suspicion. thankful for His patience.
♥ i am relieved that i finally decided to verbalise my feelings and add “beat my depression” goal. someone had to do that. and beating my depressions sounds like something that could actually turn into a fun battle. medieval kind. swords and shields.
♥ thankful for my mum. she smiles, my loneliness disappears like smoke.
♥ thankful that i can dream of all the stuff i would like to wear at the new-years-party and not buy it. i love the “look at me inventing new styles” part of the fashion neurosis.
♥ thankful that i am again almost ready to think seriously about being in a relationship. who knew?

♥ i am thankful (not happy, thankful) for chaotic finance tsunamis in my life: money quickly flowing out into areas that need some help. i am not feeling gracious or generous, i am being prodigal. i have given so much that i do not have money to buy warm slippers for my mum.
♥ i am thankful for recent very clearly anxious times: it usually leads to a fascinating change in my world-view (and that word alone is one important signpost of my life).
♥ i am thankful for my loneliness, more emotional than tangible. or: both emotional and tangible, you never know. it goes along with “very clearly anxious” times and is a marvellous teacher.
♥ my mothers phone calls. always a privilegue to have someone smarter and more witty than me on the other end of the line. today she told me a little story about how she stole my coffee and five pieces of brown sugar.
♥ approaching holidays: i am hunting for fir-tree twigs with cones on them.

❀ very thankful for encouragement inserted into the “do not struggle” phenomena. simply lovely.
❀ four pieces of priceless soap on my bookshelf. feels like i have buckets of diamonds under my bed.
❀ yesterday`s miracles: my grumpy mood & eversmiling smiling world (despite my hmpf! tantrums). sometimes it is so clear that God can turn any law of attraction into a humoresque just to tap on my shoulder and say: “did you see that? kind of cool, or what?”
❀ apple-pancakes! apple-pancakes!
❀ gorgeous weekend plans (the ones i do not have yet, but shall have in a second)

♥ seeing the last bit of the movie “yes, man”, refreshed my childlike universe of deep faith and careless fun. it is tempting to do the “yes, Lord” challenge. so tempting that i added a new goal. a modest one. but it still certainly contains that “yes” aspect in it.
♥ sunny autumn. had a chance to walk in the sun. monday – rainy. saturday – sunny. such a neat investment into my approaching dark, dim and windy nordic october.
♥ relationship factor is really an x-factor. it adds so much, takes so much. but i am sort of trying to keep my balance and not to get dragged into that social ocean. a nice little lake will do.
♥ washing machine. feels so comfy to wash all the clothes i want and just take them out to dry tomorrow morning. (is that some type of “look at me running my world smooth and smart” thing, as if i would actually bend the universe under my control for five seconds?) sun, blue skies. it will rain next day, but i am all safe. i am doing laundry like nobody`s business.
♥ sleep is a tender giant. love building a trustworthy friendship with my sleeping habits. todays goal: bedtime at 01.00. yeah baby.