work out who i am

I’m still lost – still finding that the main reason for my lack of identity is my lack of content in my life. Today I described it in my journal as all I have is family and that seems like nothing. I have no activities other than the computer that occupay my time besides those that seem essential to existing. I work, I sleep, I look after the kids, I do the daily chores when I can find the enthusiasm, but I have no me activities. I just want to hide away from the world and not interact with anyone at the moment. I seem to be unhappily making a martyr of my life by isolating myself.

I’m back down at a low point. Feeling discontented again today and I can’t put my finger on what it is that I’m dissatisfied with.
Even if I could work out what I don’t want it might help – but at the moment it is just an overarching downward spiral feeling where just about everything and nothing is wrong all at the same time.
I’m beginning to think that maybe I just don’t feel appreciated.

I think I’m the support person. I’m the one who supports others to achieve what they want and in the process I forgot to find me.
My husband asked me what I would want to do if we had the money for me to do anything and if he looked after our son long enough fo rme to do anything I wanted and I couldn’t think of one thing that I wanted to do.
Isn’t that sad.

I don’t like the bits I see – I see an angry, unhappy person and that is not what I want to be me. I wish I knew the answer to the question what would make me happy.

Today’s realisation is that I want everything to be perfect. I get upset or angry when things haven’t worked out to be perfect, when my son or husband have not met with my expectation of perfection. Like today when my son (by my standards)- ruined his shirt. He is 16 months old and has caught the shirt on something pulling a thread creating a run in the shirt – it is still wearable, but no longer perfect. Having arrived at this realisation I now need to work on lowering the expectation of perfection. I need to accept a lower standard as perfect.

I want to understand all the bits that make me me. I want to know why I have issues with control, why I can’t cope with things not being a certain way, why I get upset by certain things. I want to know how to resolve all the things about myself I wish I could change or at least know why I can’t change them – why I am this way.
I want to be able to answer those questions – what do you like to do with your spare time. What are your hobbies. What are your strengths/weaknesses. WHat is your favourite movie,band, tv show.
I just want to work out what is really me and not the things I do just to get by