be better to my body

Sometimes, I am just such a tool. For years and years (okay, for year), I’ve been searching valiantly but in vain for a legitimate tinted moisturizer that would make my skin feel and look like I wasn’t wearing any makeup at all. I started with organic minerals on Etsy from two different sellers, then I tried Suki’s and then Neutrogena when I could no longer afford Suki. As I’m running low again, I’ve gone back to the internet search, tried Sephora’s website, asked my best friend, etc, etc. Everything I’ve seen or read about or heard of seems just fine, but really, just fine. What to do, what to do?

Then it dawns on me…wait, I hate wearing stuff on my skin and what I really want is healthier, silkier skin, not healthier, silkier makeup. What a fool I am. So I promptly proceed to Suki’s website (yes, expensive as fraq, but I love them so) and bought two products designed to help my skin look and feel its best. No expensive chemically foundation necessary.

Why, why didn’t I consider this earlier?

It’s so, so bloody off-putting to take a look at your body and realize all of the ways it has even mildly betrayed you. Maybe if I’m better to it I’ll feel much better about it.

I am so much more than my body, but still, how odd it is to have one.

My Dad is a dear and fixed my rowing machine pedal for me so now, now I have my rower and no further excuses. I’ve been walking past a lot of mirrors lately for reasons I can’t fathom and wondering how fantastic it would be to feel that the reflection were a true representation.

Exercise is all the rage, kiddos, have you heard?

I’m so ready. So ready.

Perhaps in response to the frustration I feel at my last 12 days of work or perhaps in response to my own self-induced transition period or perhaps just because I’m 24 and don’t know why I haven’t done so all along, I’ve begun to do a couple of things each day to take a little better care of myself.

First, I’ve started to legitimately count calories again. It’s ridiculous that I ever stopped, but that’s what happens when one moves from the independence of grad school organics to my Mom’s cooking. But regardless, enough now. I have an adorable little polka dotted notebook and I’m keeping track. Enough of this.

Secondly, I’ve begun blow-drying my hair much less frequently than I used to. My hair is healthy, I use organic shampoo and condition it frequently, but I also use a blow-dryer and hot rollers and a flat iron which essentially, well, isn’t healthy for it. So at least for now, I’ve begun going to bed with wet hair, which allows for a messy curliness in the morning and allows for my hair to heal itself, or at least recover from the artificial heat.

Thirdly, my feet. I bought a stellar body butter by Burt’s Bees a week or so ago and while I originally intended it for general use, I’ve found that it makes my feet impeccably soft, so it’s become part of a regimen that I’m absolutely loving. Bring on the sandals, baby (which I wear every day regardless).

Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

I think I may have just decided to cut my meals down to 400 calories apiece and to now eat 4 of them per day. Lately, I’ve been eating 2 ~800-calorie meals and I inevitably feel sick and sluggish afterward. Essentially unpleasant, really.

So if I’m trying to legitimately stick to 1600 calories a day (+/-200 for cycling purposes), this may be my best chance to do so and my best chance to feel satisfied and healthy after mealtimes.

So this may simply serve as a self-reminder, but what better place to put it?

While I’ve always admired the flirty way they make people look and feel, my body has never been one to wear dresses well. I have a great body shape for other clothes, but dresses just never worked well on me. However, the other day, I was out with my Mom just doing some needless browsing and I found a stellar dress—very 40s but definitely through a 2007 lens, black with white polka dots, very flirty and whimsical. And for $20! So naturally, I splurged.

The thing about this dress is that the size I usually wear was far too big and they didn’t have the one below that, so I had to go with 2 sizes smaller than I’d normally buy. Trying it on and dancing around in it, I found that actually, it fits rather well, so I was incredibly thrilled. However, when I wear this dress to a friend’s wedding in June, it will be the first time I’ve worn such a thing in public for well, years. So naturally, I feel it absolutely necessary to lose five or ten pounds before then. I think I can do this rather easily (row consistently, walk when I can, eat better and less, etc) but the great thing about this first 10 pounds in my great and lasting quest is that I have a specific goal and a specific dress.

And so, game on, go to it time. Rock on. :)

Okay, so enough of this bloody nonsense.

I’m giving it the reigns, the “game on, boyfriend” part of me that cringes a little every time I pass a mirror, every time I change my clothes, every time I eat something.

This won’t be one of those yippie excited jumps at something temporary or run-at arduous that will inevitably last for a mere month, this will be a life-changing experience in quite a few different ways.

Primarily, I mean to start making better decisions. I don’t say “better choices” here for a reason. It seems as if whenever bodies, body images, and discussions of weight loss are concerned, “better choices” always means opting for the carrot sticks instead of the cookie. This is not my problem, you see, as I tend to generally opt for the carrot sticks in this scenario. What I don’t do, however, is consciously interact with the food decisions I have in front of me. I do not measure my portions, I don’t savor my food, I don’t carefully plan my meals, I don’t allow my body time to digest properly. I also don’t exercise as I should. I don’t put forth the mental and emotional effort necessary in sustaining a healthy body.

And this, my friends, is bollocks, if I may be so bold as to say.

There’s no “from now on” here and I’m not setting any numerical goals (neither dates nor scale readings). Instead, I will simply make the commitment to living a more conscious, significant, engaged, integrated life. I will keep more things in mind with each passing moment and if at any time a decision should present itself, I will with candor and satisfaction choose the option that presents the most good to my mind, my body, my spirit, and to as many of those around me as possible.

There is candy-ass, there is amateur hour, and then there is this. Let’s try for the latter.

My blood tests came back completely normal, though my doctor swears my current states of mind and body are all a result of stress. Stress! I feel like such a hothouse orchid (© lauren’sdad).

I do, however, absolutely believe her. Looking back at the past two years, I recognize so many things that I slid right past but that took a legitimate toll on me: graduation, moving to Pgh, starting grad school, deciding I didn’t want to do what I’d always thought I’d wanted to do, going to grad school, roommates, moving back home, the depressive ‘06 Summer, starting a new job, deciding on Boston, planning for Boston, worrying about jobs in Boston, worrying about jobs here, worrying about money for Boston, etc, etc.

At the time, each of these things are something to be dealt with, something to do or to get through, but I know my brain and body and I know I need to legitimately process and I know I haven’t really been doing that like I need to. Subsequently, the stress of a situation manifests in loss of sleep or lack of concentration or new obsessive and/or destructive thoughts.

So my life isn’t disrupted by the stress, only my general sense of self and subsequent actualization. Lovely, eh?

What’s next, then?

I’m continuing with the high-protein diet, I’m attempting to find routine exercise time, I’m looking to sleep more regularly and more deeply, and I’ll start to recognize my stressors and deal with them accordingly. This, I believe, should significantly heal or at least ease my frazzled brain and exhausted body.

So…game on, eh?

What at first looked like an overload of phytoestrogens is starting to seem more and more like a (hopefully easily-fixed) thyroid problem and so until I take a serious look at my insurance policy, I’m attempting to eat more soy-free proteins and fruits and vegetables, all things I should’ve been doing the whole time anyway.

In the meantime, though, I’m intensely impatient with my own body. My brain is one thing and I’m still trying to figure that out, but when I look in the mirror, I’m not at all surprised, but I definitely still don’t have the body that I imagine in my head.

So first things first, I figure out what’s up with my head and then, significant inroads on my body.

See the latest entry under “stop buying things i dont need” for the particulars, but this week, I bought both an organic hot wax kit and a rowing machine. I didn’t go into the year expecting to spend money on my body so much as I meant to spend more time on it, but these two things will really help, I think—obviously, the rowing machine more than the hot wax, but I really wanted it. ;)

Now that these are both on their way, I can start implementing a fitness routine into my day and then with that set, start routinely moisturizing, pampering, etc.

2007, y’know? It’s about time.