have more clarity

I have been so clouded over, so very confused and sad and lonely and in my head. The view is limited in there, and it’s dark. I might be at the lowest of the Bostonian downswings, but I do see the possibility for clarity on the horizon. Will leaving Boston and heading back to HQ help me regain my sense of self and confidence? Let’s find out, shall we?

...in fact, I have probably never had less clarity. =/

I know I’m putting too much faith in the power of a clean shirt, but Opening Day is tomorrow. April is now official and while it may be the cruelest month, it’s also the month that signifies the end of the year for me. I’ve lived too long by a semester calendar, I realize, but as such, I’ve also taken the warming months to signal the end of something and the beginning of something much calmer.

May I remember this more often.

I realize that having clarity comes with living simply and calmly and more importantly, being open to the clarity that may come. What I need to do is truly slow down my thought processes for just a moment each day, I need to take it all in, and I need to learn to process. My world is chaotic, even now in its grayness. I have to get back some calm. I need to be that calm. When I do, I think I’ll be much more open to the kind of clarity I positively crave.

Sometimes I’ll stop at a red light and I’ll take a deep breath and suddenly, everything makes sense. As soon as I drive away at the green, though, my brain whirls and it feels like two steps back.

Better than the alternative, though, right?

And I’m unsure again. Almost instantly, doesn’t it seem? Shouldn’t one know if the affection one feels for another is friendship or something different?

I should’ve been doing this ten years ago, shouldn’t have I?

BUT! Having been reminded of my previous intention to let it be, I should take his obvious attachment at face value and proceed with caution is all. So I’ll do just that.

It seems that a couple of weeks after I wrote the previous entry, that I’m starting to actually develop a crush (in so far as one can with a person an ocean away) on this kid. I’ve been bouncing back and forth between “maybe” and “really?” for about a week now, but here’s where the clarity makes its appearance.

Instead of assigning myself a particular way to feel, however, as I’d usually do, I’m strongly considering just letting this one take its natural course and find itself where it may. There’s no sense in naming something like this as it seems to change weekly and if I’m not naming it, then I don’t think I’ll be so immediately drawn to a sort of over-analysis that has been so characteristic of my all-but-imaginary relationships in the past.

This seems so bloody obvious, I know, but I rarely let things go where they may. More accurately, I usually let things go where they may, but I must be absolutely aware of their course at all times.

No more, at least on this particular item. May things proceed for the best, is all.

I’m not sure if this qualifies as legitimate clarity, but let’s give it a go and see what happens, shall we?

I’ve been talking to a kid, a great kid online for a little over a week now, and he’s lovely. He makes me laugh and I make him smile and he’s well, he’s lovely. And I instantly, as I always do, imagine that I really really like him. Except that it soon becomes obvious that I don’t, but that I enjoy going through the motions. ‘Cause I do.

So here’s the thing. I’ve done this for ten bloody years, this instant affection, this instant too-much affection. No more. Real people have been hurt by it and real situations have developed because of it.

So from now on, I’m casual instead of causal. I understand these things about myself and while that may not be clarity, I think it may lead me there.

I’ve written today under a few of my different Things, but most of their main points fall under this heading, I imagine. I’m actually starting to gain some clarity, I think. I’m not sure exactly how today is different (aside from the birthday), but I’m starting to piece a few things together, starting to understand a couple more things about my world. This may well be a starting point—now, to consciously put this clarity to use, eh?

I take life too seriously, I sometimes imagine, and I know that a lack of patience is one of my biggest problems.

It’s not quite clarity, but it’s a big reason as to why I search for it so valiantly.

Currently, I’m failing miserably at this, a most important Thing. Downward spiral kind of failing, though I’m working on it. I think I know what I want? I think I’m getting closer to understanding a couple of little things, but man, is this difficult. More deep breaths, please.