stand up for myself

I can stand up for myself, metaphorically speaking, if a person attacks me personally, but physically – I am not as able as I will be when I undertake a martial art.

I may start doing it soon, but I am thinking about the best way to go about it. Financially, i cannot put out a great sum of money, so I am researching things as best i can until I find a coach who I think is right for me. I have use of a free gym and a free pool, and I am discipline enough to do pilates with a friend, but the ultimate achievement in my sort of lifestyle, would be the ability to knock a man down who attacks me.

I am thinking of standing up for myself in more ways than one. This is a good sign.

My partner has a habit of being someone I do not like on a Friday/Saturday night, especially when a certain bank holiday weekend is on the horizon.

He thinks that it gives him more of a right to be so unguarded, and he does not realise that when he draws me in, he makes me ill.

By controlling the cards, I do not have to put up with him. this is my way of standing up for myself, and I am proud of it. I know that things are coming, and I deal with them before they happen, without confrontation and ill favour with my master.

I do not argue with people anymore. I do what I want and I don’t have to tell a living soul what my heart desires. I am not bothered by people being petulant and childish anymore. I choose just to take the high road, and I do not let people bully me. I let them think they are sometimes, just to avoid confrontation, and if anything, just to have a laugh at their expense. I find the stupidity of some people hilarious.

I have to stand up for myself when needed, and I also have to adhere sometimes, and surrender, but only at my own will, and for my own benefit – not of the other person.

I’ve been played so many times, I might as well be the courtier with a better game than I was a few years ago. I plan on being the most adaptable perosn to my surroundings.

I declare war with myself. I will not be dominated or dictated to, unless it is in my interests or best-concerns (not what other people deem they are, that is for sure).

At the moment, my family have almost stopped all contact with me. I try, and they are either neglecting me, or pouting. Either way, it’s terribly annoying to say the least, and I will not abide being bullied because I refuse to come home when they dictate me to.

I’ll not even tell them till the last minute. The day before I come possibly, or maybe I’ll just turn up on their doorstep. That’ll shock them!

So I will take this down in thirty days. That is long enough for me to look at this trait every day, and instil some lasting courage that will guide me through things.

Now I must retreat back into battle. It’s an awful smelly place, but someones gotta do it.

My boyfriend pretends that he cares, but he doesn’t. I ask him to be mindful of things, and I say to him not to do things, but he still does them. I feel guilty and end up doing whatever it is that he wants.

If I’d said no a long time ago, maybe I’d not be in this submissive position.

I do everything he wants. I’m just a pushover. I feel worthless. I don’t even think I recognise myself anymore. I do not have any self faith at all.

It is easiest when I sleep. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up and be 12 again. If I could take all the things that I know now to the age of 12, I would be set for life. Sadly, that isn’t the case. I can’t push back the clock, and i’m stuck until I actually burst.

i can’t stand anything anymore. Even the things that I’m meant to enjoy. I’m going as far as to get botox so I don’t have a single impression upon my face to betray my heart.

He can take my life and rule over it like a dictator, but he can’t take my feelings. I refuse to be like this forever. I need to stop things before they start.

it’s my fault. There have been times when I’ve said no and he just hasn’t listened.

It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve said no and he’s gone ahead and done things anyway. Why doesn’t he listen? I ask him, and he says that he does, but he doesn’t even pay attention. He’s just giving lip service.

I don’t know what I should do. I could go back to England with a fat lip, or I could wait it out and just be an adult and put up with it. I couldn’t be the only person grimacing through a relationship.

i’ve sent out most of my emails now telling people that I can’t come to England, and then I am going to ignore the ones that are most lucrative, as there are things that are very tempting, but will do me no good in the long term.

it’s hard working against temptation.

I just said no and stood my ground. My partner keeps taking my prescribed medication to stay up late, and it really gets on my last nerve, so I said, “no”. He does it all the time, and when he was stealing it behind my back, it was really annoying me all together to my last wits. I hardly know what to make of him sometimes.

I agreed a lot with submission, and in some ways, its actually easier than having what you want. You get to moan about it and act like a martyr, but lately, something is rising in me. I won’t lie down and take things that utterly repulse me, and so I’ve actually stood up for myself.

My partner and I nearly split on very bad terms, beacuse of some reason I do not need to go into.

I was so determined, I had a flight booked, money in the bank, all my bags and belongings packed, and I was so sure of myself that I was completely ready to wave his sorry arse goodbye, and I would never have come back.

But something divine intervened, and I believe it was not meant to be, but Lord knows, I went to that airport with every intention. My booking had been cancelled even though I had a ticket. It was absurd, and it’d be silly to say that I was hysterical. That’d be a light way of putting it.

I went onto my computer… I know, it’s silly, but this piece of mechanics is more than a piece of metal. It’s an extension of my arm. I avoid it when I know emails are to come. There are footprints of mine all over the web I am sure. I decided I couldn’t leave this place behind. Nothing of it would be something I could endure happily. I just have to make sure that I come home with some meat on my bones. I’m quite underfed and I don’t look very well.

Well, I stood up for myself, and I’m better off in so many ways. My relationship for once, was on my terms. I was able to dictate my future in what I wanted, and I was not in the wrong, though that doesn’t matter. I have done so since and before, but no matter.

There are consequences to being obstinate in the wrong circumstance, but I hope I can just know when I shouldn’t back down. I’m often submissive. I’m not ‘too kind’ as some people say. I just don’t like to think of people being angry with me. I just want to please too much, but I don’t think I’ll worry as much about that anymore. If my partner doesn’t like me pleasing myself as much as I need to please him, well then I’ve got myself into a bigger pity of affairs than I thought I had.