I’ve always been emotionally dependent on my parents for approval, my partner for approval/support/financial help.
It’s got to the point where I feel (intrinsically, as I try not to show it) worthless.
I get botox at 23, and the only way the doctors can send me to sleep is with strong sedatives, as I worry all the time and try to please my partner, even if he is wrong.
Sure, it’s my own fault, because I am who I am because that’s the way my life went, but I want this part of me to change. I want to be myself, and I want to be strong. I want to have the courage to be myself.
I started writing down emotions I feel today. Today I felt particularly low.
My partner works and I can’t, as we’re abroad. My money is completely in his hands, and I have money in the UK, but can’t access it till I come home in a few weeks – but it means I have no independence.
For the first time, I was in a beauty salon with a friend, and I had to borrow money (it was a small amount, and I will pay it back), but I felt so ashamed.
I literally felt paranoid the whole time I was there – and my partner, he made me feel like a flippant wasteful person who spends money without thinking, when if I worked, this would be for me – like he does his things for him.
He talks about sharing, but I never feel like an equal.
I want to be independent, but crossing a line into a danger zone. I’m really scared, and I can’t tell anyone about this. I really feel isolated, and most of the time I want to cry. I want to think about the past or the future, but I never enjoy the moment ‘now’.
I am wasting my life being resentful. I am the peace maker, and I am the punch bag a lot of the time, getting instant apologies, but people use me for this. They use me for their means, and I’ve never stood up for myself.
Just saying this is helping me accept I have a problem. The next thing is working out every issue, and where it comes from, and how I can get rid of it.
I’m 23. I am on Prozac for depression, Rohipnol to sleep, Valium/Lorazepam for anxiety and I am on Ritalin for my ADHD.
I’m a walking chemist, and I’m taking these legitamite crutches away.
People say I’m stupid. I am good at cleaning and talking, but other than that, I’m just a body or perhaps a piece of furniture, that costs money.
I need to feel whole again. I need to be positive about things, and not enhance problems, and I need to tell the doctors to STOP pumping me with meds. I want to feel this pain in its real form, as right now, my heart is racing, its two a.m., and I want to scream, or throw eggs at trees or something.
I’m not depressed. I’m angry. I am angry and resentful, but the people I love aren’t the ones to blame. I am.