be honest

God it’s tricky looking back at past entries and seeing what a damn fool I was. Pretty eloquent, but a damn damn fool all the same. Man troubles are no more, I am snug and content… almost – I always have ridiculous thoughts but hopefully they’ll remain thoughts.

There’s something about my boy which makes honesty easy – he’s so gentle and sincere that it seems only natural for me to spill the beans whenever possible. I’m not quite there but he makes me feel like I’m probably going to end up being one of the goodies at some point along the line.

argh I’m losing motivation due to loneliness and boredom. Working all weekend is making me into an unpleasant person to be around. I need to sleep so I won’t try to contact people out of unwillingness to be alone. Am going to lie in bed and read the Guardian and hope that everything will be ok. I miss the boy.

Well, so far I am having an amazing day – had a great seminar (and got to use a really pretentious point about Logos which I thought up when I managed to ^{get up early} this morning!) and ok lecture, and then found out I got two really good firsts for my final essays, meaning I’m pretty much guaranteed one overall. Which is seriously super! How is this related to ‘be honest’? Well, ever since I started getting to grips with myself and acting like less of a dick, great things have been happening to me. And I have a really tidy room. This is good stuff.

Hooray again I say!
Just got a really funny email from a lovely friend from home who I’d told all my dirty secrets to. Thought the lack of reply was due to disgust or disinterest. Boring internet problems were actually her excuse, and the fact that she totally took the piss and mocked my teen-angsty problem was exactly what I needed. Must go home soon to prove to my old friends that I still love them for their abusive humour and constant drunkeness.

I made my first step towards being honest. I told him, and immediately felt better than I have for weeks. Even though he could barely speak to me, and I feel like the worst person in the world, it’s still so much better than the waiting and guilt that has haunted me this week.
I see good things in the future.

I was torn between the two statements. I think it’s important, because one is positive and the other negative. So I’m going to go with the positive. I think this is my most important goal. It’s something that is preoccupying me at the moment because I have a secret which I just don’t know if it’s right to tell. I kissed someone other than my boyfriend, after an extensive conversation which made me realise that I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend. I feel that I’ve behaved badly in confessing to some friends, but not telling the whole truth, because I’ve managed to make myself seem like a victim as opposed to the bad person that I really am. Should a past lie be revealed or is it better to just move on? Should I tell my (now ex) boyfriend? It doesn’t feel like our relationship is properly over, and I do have a pattern of having a crush on someone else and then forgetting that and falling back in love with the boyfriend. I’m starting to feel like I need to be on my own and that I can’t possibly be in love with someone I could treat so badly, but do I need to make a clean break by being honest. Does anyone have any advice?
I think being honest with myself is also important, a lot of my goals are related to working out what the hell I think about things, I think my relationship has really stopped me being able to be myself.