stop needing somebody

Why do I feel like there’s a hole in my life that needs to be filled? Dirty jokes aside, I keep feeling like there’s something missing, or rather, I don’t feel like there’s something missing because I’m constantly using people to fill that gap. But really, what does it all add up to? Me feeling used or feeling like a user and probably really hurting other people. Great.

Am probably doing a very bad and cruel thing which will get me in trouble. I have a silly belief in certain things being right and good for me – some sort of funny pre-destination thing that makes me believe all I have to do is make the correct choice and things will be ok. I’m beginning to realise life is not as clear cut as that. I sort of imagine that my thought processes and my feelings are separate, and that the feelings are what matters, and the thought processes are just me being a twat. But perhaps in fact what I really feel is the same as what I think.

Man I need to get more sleep and think about things other than my love life.

Right.
So, having been single for approximately two weeks, I’ve managed to get myself into almost exactly the same situation as I just escaped from. What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone feel the need to tell me to stop behaving like an idiot?
I’m furious with myself for allowing this to happen and being so weak about it.

I kissed a boy.

Met someone new. He’s cute and silly and probably an enourmous fuck-up. Unfortuanetly I find that attractive. I think this is the start of something very exciting and very frightening.

I saw both my somebodies tonight, and each meeting was incredibly disappointing. Why do I need someone else to make me feel good? It’s a pretty simple and obvious question but it’s ruining my enjoyment of life – I wish I had more control over my desires and less fear of loneliness. Ultimately I guess it all boils down to loneliness, but I really haven’t been feeling that bad until I’ve seen one of the offending boys. I think the trouble is I keep expecting them to redeem themselves as they have in the past, when what I really need to do is let go and acknowledge that some people just aren’t worth it.

Oh fuck. Things were going well, reasonably well at least. Now in the space of a few hours I’ve manage to whip myself into exactly the same mental confusion as last week. Why why WHY did I have to bump into him, that must have been the most awfully uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had in my life, and now I’m so distracted that I can’t even remember what my essay is about. The thing is, our conversation managed to make me dislike him enough for me to never worry about him again, but then he bloody texts me and I have to think about how I feel. FUckfuckfuCK!

Not doing great. Went to a party and mostly just enjoyed chatting to people and making new friends. Except at the same time I was ‘like totally checking guys out’ and stuff. This is a tricky one because it’s definitely ok to want to meet and like new people, but just not to need one specific person of my very own. I miss intimacy a lot.

I can’t cope without a boyfriend. This is not a good thing. I want to learn to cope on my own, so that any relationship will actually be about love rather than need.