Do inner work

Some of the ways to end working on a goal on 43Things say “I’ve done this” but I really love that it also sometimes says “I’m done.” Because quite often I have not sucessfully completed a goal but I am done working on it for the time being.

‘There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.’

-Martha Graham

that were dragging me down because I’ve done some work on them but they didn’t feel done and I didn’t want to work on them this month. So I marked them done anyways so they are not bothering me and I can always revisit them later without losing the work, entries, and cheers they have already accumulated.

I also added some fresh goals, mostly for making things for other people.

a magical realism book called Death and Resurrection. It’s powerful stuff, one of my favorites. I most like the character development; Ewen lives a very simple, balanced life that at first glance I’d love to lead: plenty of physical activity, meaningful work to help people, a good relationship with his sister, creative work, and quiet meditation. However, it’s a quiet plateau in his life; he gets to grow a lot more when a whirlwind of otherworldly (and this-worldly) forces blow into his life. I spend a lot of time thinking about this. Ewen’s “ordinary world” before the adventures has a lot of resonance with what I am working on/towards in my own life.
And now that I’m in to throat chakra month, I am deeply considering who I am and what my truth is.
My husband was out of town for three weeks, and he took the computer with him. And after I got caught up on all the parts of my life, it settled into a pattern I recognized from the last time I was living alone (12 years ago): very quiet, orderly, and neat. And I realized that was sometimes desirable and worth finding ways to integrate that calm, peace, and neatness into my more busy, active life, but that I wouldn’t want to live that way always.
So I swapped some chores with my husband so that I can have more neatness. And I gave up checking my email before work because it made me feel too frantic and it was totally unnecessary. And in general I am working towards a little more balance in my technology use at home.

I also realized last night that one reason I always seem to take my work home with me in my head is that I don’t allow any processing time for it. I work til the minute I walk out the door, and then I refuse to think about work as soon as I’m across the threshold. I need to find some time to process my experiences.

At this point in my life I find myself going around again on life lessons sometimes, and while it’s never really fun, most of the time I find myself thinking, “Oh, I guess I have to go around on that lesson again.”

a few times: Cleaning Time checkbox (15 m increments), Tai Chi checkbox, and Walk to Rivendell logbook.

One of my challenges is to keep a piece of my life for myself at work. It is very tempting to share every little thing, because I get so much positive feedback from it: my coworkers want to support me, so they want to hear about my personal life, and the residents want to hear little details because my life is much more varied than theirs are. However, I frequently find myself regretting sharing a little too much and losing a piece of myself.

Today I was working one on one with a woman on assertiveness. She was having trouble generating an assertive response for a real-life situation, so I suggested choosing a role model and imagining what they would do in the situation. I nearly told her a real role model of my own, but I caught myself and suggested someone else instead. It felt so good! I made my point, she was able to use the tool and come up with her own original assertive response, and it didn’t cost me personal stuff.

And once again my life has died down enough that I can actually look through the goals on my list and take steps to reach them. Amazing how rapidly that disappears when things get busy, but sometimes the tiger of necessity sneaking along behind you is all you can think about.

This time my friend did not give me a list of small things to try (well, one or two.) This time I am navigating a little more on my own. As it should be; this is the fourth month, so I can pull details like stones or tea in support of a chakra off her generic blog post.

because I’ve not been focused on myself and my own goals, but rather anxious about work and anxious to please at work, even in my off time.