Get over it

Today and yesterday I dealt with a situation which made me feel really bad just a few months ago (it’s something concerning a man). I can proudly admit I took it very well. I think I made a big progress :) I am not over him yet, but I never felt so good before. I am calm and still happy, the situation didn’t disturb me at all. I talked to two close people I always share my thoughts about him, and both said I am much stronger and positive and I keep my distance (I do not let emotions take over). Besides I had a wonderful day :)

I think I am nearly done with my other goal – “forgive”. I do not feel sorrow or anger, and I am definitely seeing positives of what he did and the bad memories do not come so often, besides I rather see them as new experiences. I think I am no longer a “mental victim” of the past. Also I do not feel depressed, on the contrary – life seems beautiful and I feel gratitude every day. I’ve been working with my depression since December (this is my resolution for 2012) and I admit I feel very good :)

So all of you were right – it’s getting better, and I have an evidence I am improving :D If it keeps going I hope I will soon cross a few goal as done.

...when people look back at their year and make a general summary of it. To me one and a half of the year has passed since he broke my heart. I thought that the pain would go away with time and it did… a little. I wonder if I ever recover fully from the past. I don’t know – a lot of time has already passed and… nothing. As if it happened yesterday. And all those questions: what if he was the love of my life? What if I am not going to meet anyone just for me? I feel very lonely. I am trying not to think of him intentionally, I even stopped dreaming about him but… I can’t put him out of my head nor forgive. My progress with this goal is so slow I can’t see the difference between now and a half year ago.
I reached the point where I do not know what else I can change. Hope the change will come itself.

Being a woman means I change a lot. Mood swings are our nature, I heard. We are unpredictable. Lately it happens too often and I am beginning to be very tired, even exhausted. This month a strange thought is in my head: I am afraid I will never forget. I feel pain constantly and don’t know how to fight it… I am so tired, I’d like to sleep and never wake up. I think I will always suffer because I am too weak to handle it. I feel really bad… Don’t know what to do. No improvement this month.

Well, I was brave finally, I admit, and I did it quite spontaneously – I deleted all e-mails from that person. I knew that one day I’ll do it, but I wasn’t ready, and yesterday I just deleted them – without a fuss, nothing good he wrote so I should have done this earlier. Why did I keep these sad messages anyway? His letters only brought me pain and suffering and hopeless dreams.
I realized I don’t want to be surrounded by people who treat me like he did – I have a different idea of how love should look like. I fully accepted the fact this man has never loved me. I understand that he did bad things to me because he is lost and poor soul who knows probably little about love at all (shame being his age). This cannot be changed – I can’t infuence him. Maybe it is his karma – hurting people or something. I don’t know.
I don’t focus on him anymore. I am thinking about myself – where I should go and what I should do. Accepting the reality doesn’t make the pain go away, but I try to find the possitives of it – experience for the future.
I thought optimistically yesterday about what I want – imagined and felt it, with all emotions, and it was wonderful. I know I will find it and it gives me hope for better tomorrow. I will never agree for any replacement or anything worse than I deserve.

Well, sometimes it is like this – nothing changes, for better or for worse, I made no progress, did not improve my state of mind, I’m trying not to break down, I’m trying to keep my intentions for the future all the time in my head, and I keep repeating my positive affirmations. My way to survive is reading books, internet and focusing on work. Must admit winter makes everything a lot harder, the day is shorter and I’m not using it I would like to. Though I like the snowflakes and snow, the aura is kind of depressing to me. Cannot find myself in reality lately – one moment I’m focusing on present and my dreams of future, the faith and happiness are strong, but another moment comes when I am weak – when I realize that nothing happens, my days pass by and I do nothing, I threw myself into this pattern: get up-eat-work-eat-computer-sleep. It’s not that I’m sad or unhappy, I think I’m in an ‘average’ state. I am just less satisfied with what’s happening in my life recently. I think about things I promised myself never think again – then I am angry I did it. I’d like to go away for a while.

I made a small progress. It’s good. Of course I’d like it to happen faster and painlessly, but sometimes it’s not possible. So it really happened to be truth what the people had told me: time heals. Right now, I’m not thinking so obsessively which is a good thing for me. I’m looking forward to future and expecting possitives. I have some kind of my own new vision of the future and I try to be happy everyday. My dreams come true sooner or later, some of them already fulfilled. There is still love, but well, it’s strange cause I feel I can love again. I’m waiting.

It is better than before. I understand more, I accept more. Plus, he wrote to me. It’s good to know he needed the contact.

I am happy. I am love. I accept myself more than ever before. I love myself.

I feel I am on a right path right now.

Still, I love him. But I let him live as he likes. I let him go.

I wonder if he’s ok.
I know i should forget.
but how?

Something great is going to happen in my life, that’s what I feel today. I can sense these small vibrations in the air and I can see what the universe wants to tell me…

Changes are still in progress.

It will come very soon. First come understanding. Later on acceptance will follow. And than the future will unfold.

I’ve got the feeling everything is going to be good. The best reality is about to come into my life.

sadness, tears, pain, fear, hope, discouragement, longing, nostalgia, reflecting, thinking, anger, search, memories, love, hurt, waiting, expectation, loneliness, desperation, denial, disbelief, suicidal, defeated, resignation…

i feel so much… and i don’t know how to get over it… i don’t know what to do… how to forget?

how should i tell my heart to stop loving?

how should i tell my heart to stop hoping?

how to accept this reality? how to accept his decision?

More than 1 month has passed, and still I cannot live like I used to… before…
He won’t be with me… I don’t want to feel this hope.
I don’t want to destroy myself…
how can i heal myself?