Wait until marriage

knowing and being able to count down to the exact day that I will lose my virginity…
May 29, 2010 :D:D:D

I’m so excited. This is definitely a huge step toward this goal! Whoohoo we’re getting married next summer. It’ll be interesting to see how this goal gets easier or more difficult during this next year.

So my bf of 2.5 years recently asked my dad permission to propose to me. He hasn’t asked me to marry him yet. I started thinking about all that wedding stuff. Like the dad “giving away” the bride. And the bride wearing white traditionally as a sign of her virginity. One thing I’ve hated this whole time we’ve been dating (and not having sex) is the way everyone speculates about my virginity/lack thereof. The whole wearing white thing is not a big deal to non-virgin brides, it’s just a tradition. But to virgin brides, I hear many say they wear their white dress with pride, or the earned it ect.
That whole white dress things is creepy to begin with because it was meant to advertise your sexual status! Besides, what do men where to mark their level of sexual purity? Should we tape the number of people the groom has slept with to his back? I don’t want all my friends and family thinking about my virginity. It’s a very private issue to me. I don’t want to be “given” away either. I want to “give myself freely” as a free woman, fully confident in my decision. Thinking that makes me feel guilty for my dad’s sake. I’m sure it would make him feel good. Ugh but my wedding shouldn’t be about making other people happy.
Lately my decision to save my virginity for marriage has come under fire in my mind. Particularly because the guy I’m marrying has had sex before. I feel like I need to dig deep down and ask myself why I really did it. Was it to honor my parents? Was it because I was scared of sex? Was it because of my promise to God? Was it because I liked feeling in control? Was it to be “superior”?
I don’t know. I know that I decided this myself, but the closer I get to marriage, I feel more like I was tricked into it by my belief that it would make me more valuable.

It’s daylight savings time…fall back
how fitting :(
We messed up.
Having my own apartment makes things much more difficult to behave. He came over and woke me up this morning, crawled right into bed with me and cuddled up. It felt so nice. Pretty soon we were making out and kinda rubbing up against eachother and (Sorry if this is TMI) but I had an orgasm. That’s right,a fully clothed, no hands, accidental surprise orgasm. How does that even happen??? Well of course seeing that happen to me was way too much for him to handle and he started grabbing my breasts and I was pulling his hands away and telling him to quit. He actually fought me on it. I know he was caught up in the moment, but still! no means no. I reminded him that I’d promised him breakfast and that I was getting up to go make eggs. Needless to say he was very frustrated that I had an orgasm and that he didn’t get to.

I’m sorry too, but I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know that could happen. I really really want him. :( We’re not even engaged yet (that’s next year) and we’re not getting married til 2010. :((((
Now I’m reminded at why we stopped laying down together and decided not to go past kissing. It makes things way too difficult and miserable.

We have gotten so much better! It took time to get used to our boundaries, but now I don’t feel like it could go too far, it seems like shocking behavior. People are so strange, aren’t we? We used to not be able to imagine that we’d be able to wait another minute…
Now I’m so much more comfortable because we both know what the line is, and if one party tries to cross it, the other quickly speaks up, but even that is a rarity these days. We’ve still got a bit over a year and half left. I can’t believe it, 2.5 years this Christmas :D
I’m so happy for all you guys getting married. You’re an inspiration.

ok I’m not sure what to do.
I’m pretty sure he was getting off on the phone last night while he was talking to me, trying to keep it on the dl.
He kept talking about styles of underwear and stuff.
I could hear it.
I didn’t want to confront him and say “are you touching yourself?” but it’s deceitful to do that and try to hide it. Also part of me wanted to just join in lusting after him myself.
How awkward to bring up.
I think I’ll try apologizing for letting the conversation get over pg last night and make it clear that it was a mistake.
The convo could barely be considered racy, but we both can be pretty insatiable.
He was really disconnected and cold. I now understand the difference between being lusted after instead of being desired.
Our kisses have been getting longer, deeper, more passionate, and more frequent.
There are beginning to be hints of goals in the kisses.
You know what I mean, when the goal is to turn the other person on—
We need to nip this in the bud before things are out of control, like back in the bad old days.

You might think I’m overreacting, but you don’t know us.
You’ve never seen such chemistry—
A kiss held too long can turn into something MUCH more in seconds.

the girl I talk to in class every day is getting married.
God’s timing is everything. I’m not gonna worry about when we’re getting married, because God’s got a plan, and I’m gonna trust him. :D If we do things his way, we’ll be much better off than people who when with a whim.
I love aaron :D

things really are easier since we cut out all the sex talk and fooling around. I didn’t think it was possible not to think about sex 24/7. It’s torture when you’ve got a couple years to go and you obsess over it. A watched pot never boils.

but when I see people my age getting married I’m kinda jealous!
I never thought that I would say that…
divorce rates are cut way down for people who wait, and also for people who don’t live together without being married.
I wonder what the stats are if one partner is a virgin and the other is not..

Masturbation.

Since the beginning of this year when God mercifully took me out of being an absolute slave to my lust, I’ve wondered about masturbation. It used to be part of my daily routine. Me and my bf would have phone sex every night. Our fantasies grew more twisted as time went on. There was no sweetness left, only objectification and using. Now that I am so wonderfully free in my thoughts, I wonder how masturbation fits into my life. I have done it three times this year. I don’t have the overwhelming controlling urge to do it anymore. In fact, I’ve had to talk myself into it each time. Each time I’ve been disappointed. It doesn’t satisfy like it used to. I used to love it. I still climax physically, but it’s a let down experience. I just know that nothing is going to compare to sex with my future husband. I also don’t let my mind dwell on my perverted fantasies any more, so if I don’t want to lust after anything while masturbating, it is awkward to have my mind intact while doing it. I think I will quit trying to make myself enjoy it so much and just stop doing it all together. When I masturbate, I just feel sad that I’m not married that moment having an amazing experience with my husband.

hey all update time.

We are doing so much better.
We don’t have makeout sessions anymore and no phone sex.
This makes things so much simpler.
It’s been this way for 3 months now.
We’ve never been more in love.
Don’t kid yourself. If you really want to wait don’t torture eachother with talking about sex all the time. Even “how it would be if you got married”
just no.
you’ll be a slave to your lust.