be happy with my body

All I can think is that I don’t deserve to be with anyone, I don’t deserve any positive attention…thank goodness clothes are covering me.

But! Most of my clothes aren’t even fitting anymore, and it’s driving me crazy. I really will only feel better when i’m better to my body and eat better/exercise.

maybe I can make the exercise fun by browsing in malls, hiking, kayaking…definitely want to run…

I just need to do this for myself.. to really pull things together.

This has been my problem for a verrrrry long time. It still is, even though it’s the new year and all. I think it will take a bit longer, but happen this year.
I can’t say I have really been working at this goal. when I was busy with school, the last thing on my mind was getting enough exercise or moisturizing… I wasn’t thinking of taking care of myself. Really, I was quite lonely at the end of 2008, and feeling ugly because my clothes were too tight or short.
Now that it’s vacation and everything, I have time to think about myself. Time to be selfish and reassess the situation. I was feeling terrible because I was treating my body badly. I don’t think I’m ugly, I think I’m a work in progress. I wish the way my figure looked didn’t matter so much to me. I know that if I lost a tiny bit of weight, and my tummy weren’t so overwhelming, that I would feel comfortable.

What a relief it would be to not worry about sucking in my stomach (even though that doesn’t help my situation so much anyway)
It’s on my mind in class, at parties, hanging out with my friends… all the time.

Soooo, I’m exercising much more now (at least 30 min a day)... think I will also try to drink as much tea as I can. I always quit before I saw any results. I don’t want to be such a “quitter” about this. It’s a very important goal… cause then I can be a much happier person, allowing me to help other people better than I do right now, and be better company to all of those people in my life.

Will be sure to document progess ;)

I always find something to be upset about. Right now it’s that I’m getting these horrible bumps on my back, chest, and arms. I don’t know what I’ve done lately to make this happen.

I guess my skin is really bothering me =/ and my stomach/thighs always do too. They always feel choked by clothing. better work on that…for my mental sanity.

My weight is normal! I’m petite even. I shouldn’t worry about the times where I’m insecure because I can’t slip past some people, or whatnot. I’m looking better, but I think it’s because I’m not caring whatsoever. Not eating out of stress or emotions…
I’m just feeling better about it all. I think treating myself on a daily basis is a good way to keep it up

but I can’t say I’m completely there yet.

At my school, everyone has to pass a swim test in the first week of school. Okay, I know how to swim. The problem is I loathe going anywhere in a bathing suit. I tried to work out over the summer, but go no where. So really, I was the same weight I was before…but SOMEHOW I got into that pool, paraded around in my bathing suit (granted it was a one piece for the occasion) and there were tons of my classmates around (even though I didn’t know them. I was not one ounce embarrassed, afraid…nothing. Yay!!

but yesterday it was not :) I usually look at myself in store mirrors, and they distort you so much and make you look really terrible. I saw myself in one yesterday, and I’m assuming it was the same type of mirror. Well for once…I looked alright by my own crazy standards. I looked wholesome, healthy…it was a nice feeling. I felt like there was not much to fix or adjust at all!

I know this is a really common problem for women. It mostly comes up when they seen really thin women on tv,in magazines…things like that. For me that does not happen. Instead, I feel more ugly just seeing normal women on a daily basis. There are some who look so much better than any on tv or in magazines. But I think it’s all in their attitude. I used to crave to be like a mega sexy woman. I really don’t want that now. I just want to be beautiful, not in a superficial way. Just have a beautiful heart. But I can’t help but wish some days that my body would just cooperate a little more.
I’m very curvy. I have kind of lopsided hips now because of my scoliosis, but only I (and doctors) can really tell. I love being curvy, but I hate that any excess weight falls around my stomach, thighs, and bum. I want to become more toned, and just look more shapely and attractive. It really is only for me. I don’t want to attract men, as I am stuck on one. Maybe he’s the problem. I just always want to have a nice body to impress him. But really he doesn’t care, and that doesn’t matter. I just can’t help but want to look better. I really hate it when my stomach like bunches when I’m sitting down. I hate it. I hate how my little belly appears with tight shirts, and I hate the way I look from the back. I seriously don’t think my bum EVER looks good in pants.

Ah well, it’s a relief to write it down. Now instead of complaining I ought to work on it.

I’m not sure if losing weight is going to be the sole factor in being okay with my body. I have lost about 3 kilos though. I now weigh 53. Kind of exciting!! The best thing to do is not weigh yourself often. The different numbers you get will haunt you and drive you mad. Instead..I would rather be pleasantly surprised.

I went to the doctor, and she told me not to eat starches often in university. I must keep this in mind. I think I’ll go for some more walks. I can accomplish other goals (taking photos, knowing my city) by getting out there. I need to keep motivated, and work on my bum! I have so many magazine pages ripped out. I should start on them today.

The face is the body right? Well I was proud of myself today, because I only wore a stitch of eye makeup. Usually I put a thick line of eyeliner, and dark mascara, but not today! And I didn’t feel insecure, nor did I feel unpretty. It was wonderful. I feel more simple.

Baby steps. I would love to not have to wear makeup at all. Unfortunately my skin is a pain, and I don’t think this will happen any time soon. Today it was pretty smooth though!

Did some walking for my body. Gave me tingles in my legs. I feel like if I really want to be happy, I really have to do something about it, so I started!