stop thinking about suicide

I’ve found myself again. It’s an interesting feeling, to have all the things you stopped caring about mean something again. For the longest time everything has been gray, but I’m starting to see color and life. I can cry again. Strange sounding, I know, but it feels good. I can laugh without feeling like crying. I can enjoy things without the fear I’ll come crashing down. I still think depressing things when I have nothing better to do, but it doesn’t feel hopeless anymore. I’m actually trying to make things better. For the first time, in a long time, I feel hopeful. Things will get better…

Please…please don’t let this be temporary…I don’t think I could take another backslide….

Things were starting to look better for a few days….they really were. I got a number from my teacher for counseling centers, I was waking up in good moods. Generally, I thought I was heading in the right direction finally. Its gotten a lot worse. I’m failing one of my classes, the number didn’t work, and I’m not sleeping well and waking up in pain. I really just…want to get away from people, but I can’t. My roommate is here a lot and she’s loud and never helps out but always points out what needs to be done. My boyfriend is on his last nerve with her and is grouchy and testy. Is it any wonder I’m feeling worse than ever?

Everyone acts like getting help is the easiest thing to do. I don’t have medical insurance. I can’t just go to a doctor anymore. I’m in a new area and I don’t know where anything is. However, one of my teachers at the college is/was a councilor/psychiatrist…something like that and she knows of a few counseling centers. She’s bringing me a list next week. It’d be a lot easier if the school had counselors but it can’t be helped.

Lately…I’ve just been feeling like something is wrong with me. I can’t handle being around people, I’m having urges to do things like shove a knife in the toaster or run my car into a tree. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing with my life. I know it’s not healthy, which is why I want to stop these thoughts and get help. I’m only 20 years old and in college…and some depression and stress is expected…but some things have been going on for a lot longer and I’m afraid I’ll hit my breaking point soon…