... I put on a good show. I can hide my feelings of inadequacy very well, even forget about them for a while. When I’m out with family or friends, these feelings aren’t gnawing away at me. When I’m alone, though, pondering where I am in life, I feel so inferior.
I see this especially when I look to see what kind of employment opportunities I might be eligible for. I have an AA in liberal arts, a BA in history, and have worked 1/3 of the way toward my teaching credential. I know I’m intelligent. I just feel like I’m always missing something required in a job description and right away I disqualify myself.
Currently I’m a server in a restaurant. The hours are great and I make good money, but I can’t get enough hours to get ahead. Plus, I know I can do better. I’ll be going back to school in January so I talk myself out of getting a new job because this one is so flexible. I also wonder if I should even bother going back to school though- teachers make very little and I will have over $20K in student loans when I’m done. When I see the other students in the credential program, I seriously wonder if I could even get hired after graduation. Some of them are so amazing, it’s like they’ve been teaching for years when they haven’t even started yet! Ugh.
I wish I believed in myself and that I could just stuff these feelings away. They keep me from just trying. They keep me from getting out there.
And I seriously can’t believe I just wrote all that. It’s scary admitting this. I have a real fear that I will never overcome this.
