get off my anti-depressants and be happy

I think I might have achieved this, maybe. Just maybe. I’m gonna wait a little bit longer before declaring this done, but I really am happy. And I have only God, and my friends who prayed for me, to thank.

I’m not even off my anti-depressants and I’m already failing at being happy. I seem to be losing hope and faith in humanity. I still have faith in God, though. I believe he’ll help get me through this. But hope…I’ve learned that it can only ever lead to disappointment.

So I’ve found this herbal tea called Happy Tea, that’s supposed to enhance mood and decrease anxiety and what not. I’ve decided to drink that on weekdays, and take my anti-depressants on weekends (I don’t think my parents would be very impressed with the Happy Tea, or the price I paid for it.) The tea itself is a little bland, with just a touch of an orange taste, so this morning I decided to make it with hot apple juice. I didn’t even have time to take my first drink when I spilled it all. Happy Tea my ass. There was a single drink left, so I drank it and discovered that it was really good. But that didn’t change the fact that the rest of it was all over the table, the floor and me.

My boyfriend worries about me being on medications, even if they do keep my depression in check. He’s never seen me at rock bottom, so I don’t think he quite understands how bad it really is. I know all he wants is for me to be happy and healthy, and that’s what I want too. It’s not like I want to be on these meds, but right now, at this point in my life, I’ve come to realize, I need them to stay afloat, although less than before.

I recently went five days without my meds, and I was completely happy…until I got home on night #5, and I started “not feeling well”. So the next morning, I took my anti-depressant, and had a good day. I now see that quitting cold turkey was pretty stupid of me, and that I need to gradually phase them out. Someday, hopefully soon, my mood won’t need to be chemically controlled.