Fall in love

The day I took the Purity Pledge. Now I wear my purity ring…and that is my take on this goal… I shall wait on the Lord and the ring is a reminder of this promise…to stay pure until God sends my love. :)

i sooo keep forgetting about this place heh…sorry…

Anyway…the new guy lasted three months and then…he keep disappearing, sometimes for weeks at a time it was crazy! So long story short…i am single again and i dont know when ill be working on this goal again…

He and I broke up not long after my last post. It was so much stress that i felt a whole lot better! I enjoyed being single for the first time in my life. I look back at these previous posts and its sad to see how good something starts and how bad it can end. Though no heartache this time…lots of relief.

Enjoying my single life and then…my mom decides to play matchmaker…and i though i agreed with bad motives at first, this guy truly shocked all my senses. Couldnt find a thing wrong with him…i can be totally myself around him. Hes handsome, and we have a lot in common and the weird thing is… things i usually say to guys (sweet things) he says to me! Im so not used to that. He spent my birthday with me as well as Christmas Eve and Christmas. More later.

Its been three months with said person and well…I’m feeling that there is more downs than ups. I’ve been praying and I feel that God is about to break me free of him. He’s changed towards me now…I feel distant and such…its weird. This isnt how love or the processing for falling in love is supposed to be…it can’t be. I’ll keep praying.

He and i talked yesterday and if you knew how long it takes for two people who are VERY shy to express anything then youd know that i have still no clue if things are better… BUT we talked, and we agreed that we are going to fight instead of give up which means taking whatever they decide to gossip about. And i was trying to ask what ‘we’ were but yeah im shy so the best i got was saying that i assume that im his gf and he said ‘yeah you can assume that, im not doing all this for anyone but you’ so i guess that means im his gf.

I should be happy, but why am i still uneasy? Because i am super paranoid…and i need to quit that. I know that everytime i’ve thought things weere bad they never was and he’s so sweet to me and puts up with me…so why dont i trust it? I need to pray more…really pray…else my paranoia is going to eat me up.

The past couple weeks with him have been the best times of my life. Our church though is making a big fiasco about it all and startng rumors and whatnot and so today he talked to me and he feels we should lay low i guess. He doesnt want me to be involved in all the drama and mess. He says im innocent and shouldnt have to go through all of that because of him.

I know the only way for us to stop all the rumors is to pretend as if each other doesnt exist…go back to the waiting days…just say goodbye.

Im going to cry. I love him i know i do…and goodbye is the last thing i want to do. I know we have something special i can feel it…truly and deeply…i dont want to loose it.

Why dont i ever just keep my mouth shut? I think i have him believing i want us to just be friends oh no no no no no no! Said the wrong thing oh man im an idiot….

But other than that, good thing is the church knows about ‘us’ now hehe they seem to approve and he sat by me during service. He looked so scrumptious…and i turned into a complete dufus when he sat there…could hardly find my place in my bible…and we have a ‘date’ on saturday.

I have to make sure it goes perfect!!!!!!!!
Here is my plan for Saturday…he seems to like it:
I told him to think of something he wants to eat and ill pick him up and well go get it and take it to my place and cook together. He seemed happy with that :)

Im such a pessimist… Im starting to let myself think bad things. Im just so scared of messing everything up…I dont want to lose him. But I must continue praying and keeping up my faith…

he’s so sweet….

I see him at church tomorrow night…

All the countdown i was thinking about what i could say that today that would satisfy me…should i just ask him if he’s mine? or what next? I didnt know. I saw him and it took my breath away Mind you church was awesome as usual…and his mom and two of his sisters came as well …
After church
I talked to his mom and sisters and he came by, spoke and told me he was coming right back. Then he asked if we could go outside because he is shy. So he walked me to my car. The whole time im trying to ask him, but no words came out.
Make a long story short, we ended up spending some time together…something i didnt expect and he had to REALLY convince me it was ok… (which is the pang part…i hope i dont get in trouble on Wednesday…)
We had a lot of fun…both of us are shy it seems and i never got to ask if he was mine…or anything close…BUT he held me a lot and kissed me…he was a 80% gentleman :D no one is perfect ;) i know i turned 10 shades of red (he did too) though you cant see it since we are so dark :P
It was nice, we held hands halfway back when i dropped him off and he kissed my hand, and kissed me before he left.

Well its almost here…the big day… (then again, he might be out on monday and not tomorrow…but we wont think about that) It’s reflection time, I sit and look outside my window and wonder whether at the end of the day tomorrow if I will have flown…or fallen.
I told myself that i would have Faith that God put me through this test of patience and wouldnt have done it to take him away in the end. And i think abut the fact that he’s been trying to get my attention since i first started going to the church in december and he still liked me after a big fiasco i had with another guy there. I think of how even though we couldnt openly talk, we still had our moments.
Like coming in a circle to hold hands and pray at the beginning of play practice i ended up next to him and he held my hand, squeezed it…and caressed it (yea…going straight down i know…) or how i told him i had a surprise for him when he was done and he told me he has one for me too…how many times he assured me that his feelings hadn’t changed or simply when he said i was beautiful…
I dunno…fly or fall…its such a scary thought. I know either way god has my best interest at heart. I’d prayed on this from day one, and continued to pray…
Its all in God’s hands…we will see…