figure out what the HELL is wrong with my foot

A tumour, but a benign tumour! I have never loved my feet more :)

The ultrasound result has been a bit scary and this goal has become something a bit more serious to me. I am having an MRI tomorrow and have been booked in to see an oncologist/orthopedic surgeon on Monday who has a particular interest in foot/ankle tumours. It is really hard not to let my imagination go wild and it is also hard to stop terrifying myself by looking up prognoses for the different things they will be looking for, some of which are so grim I go cold when I read them.

One of the hardest things is that the two people closest to me, my sister and my boyfriend, are both people who are VERY easily panicked by health issues. I really want to just talk about it, since it’s all I can think of, but I have to be careful not to panic them and I also not to let them panic me. I haven’t even decided who, if anyone, to bring with me on Monday.

I guess it’s natural enough when you really want an answer and can’t get one, but I’m finding myself looking for signs everywhere – trying to read the facial expressions of people doing the scans, trying to decode little details of things they say. I’m not a superstitious person at all, but I find myself scanning the universe for little clues about what’s going to happen.

One of the no-win aspects of my anxiety about this is that, on the one hand, I’m terrified if the appointments I need can’t happen quickly. Then, when they suddenly find that they can fit me in, I’m terrified all over again, wondering why they’re going to so much trouble to accommodate me and if its because my results are really so dire.

On the bright side, I will be able to show the oncologist if the thing has grown over the last few weeks because I was vain enough to post a pic of it with my first entry!

Roll on Monday…

and my bath is one of those little ones that is almost square, and I had my legs sticking straight out and my feet against the wall just relaxing, and then I thought ‘The light is making my feet look really different from each other’. Then I took a closer look and HF my feet ARE really different from each other! There is a completely painless lump about the size of half a golf ball on my left foot! I hate my feet and wear woolly socks and never look at them so I have no idea how long it has been there. I can sort of feel it there now but I think that might be psychosomatic since I have been freaking myself out by googling foot lumps all evening.