unearth my inner girl

on a wintry windswept island with my boyfriend recovering from the wedding and snuggling to keep warm and it was heaven. It was so cold I wore a hat, a soft fuzzy white one. I never wear hats…

And he thought I looked beautiful in it. He sees my inner girl even when I don’t.

it’s over and I didn’t fall down the stairs in my heels.

I’ve temporarily given Frida away for a fairy. She’s so beautiful. I love fairies :)

For one personal reason and another I kind of skipped that part of childhood where the Barbies, tutus, pink fluff, glitter, My Little Ponies, Carebears and sparkly hairclips happen. From a behind a fortress of army daks and books I tried to find it all ridiculous, and did a bit, but I also saw it as a kind of forbidden fruit – something for girls who had got something right that I had got wrong. I am more honest with myself about loving all that stuff now, and being sad to have missed out on it, and every now and then I buy things like sparkly hairclips (and never wear them).

Now, in my early thirties, I am being a bridesmaid next weekend. I generally avoid this kind of thing like the plague, but the bride is a very dear friend and asked me when it all seemed too far away to be worrying. And now I have been fitted with a sleeveless, strapless dress and high heels and I’m booked in this weekend with all the others for hair, make up and nails. (I have never worn a strapless anything, I can’t walk in high heels, I’ve never had my hair or nails done and I don’t wear make up at all!) The whole thing is so intimidating I can feel my heart pounding whenever I think of it.

I can’t laugh at it all, like I did when I was a child and the others had sparkly dresses and I wasn’t allowed anything like that. Now I feel uncomplicatedly inadequate. Not only should I be able to do this, I should actually be looking forward to and enjoying it!

Even though I am biologically all female, heterosexual, slim, long haired and softly spoken, I think the way I feel in these kinds of situations is very much like a man having to appear in drag. All those defenses which served me well and protected me from some horrible things while I was growing up can’t just be torn down for the weekend. I am sad :(