Learn how to be alone

I’m alone, but I’m writing entries on my goals and keeping myself occupied – I’ve really enjoyed writing my thoughts down on this website…it’s like an online journal/blog that makes you more organized in the things you think about.

I’ve also been trying to keep updated on all of my notes for Instructor’s Training…so many…yikes _

1. I’ve taken up little rewarding projects like making my own clothes.

2. I carry a journal around with me everywhere so I can ventilate my thoughts if they’re too overwhelming, or if I need to feel like I’m talking to someone.

3. I’ve established places that I can go that won’t make me feel sad if I’m alone (cafes, bookstores, MY DOJO).

4. If I don’t really feel like being productive I try to be somewhere with WiFi so I can space out on the computer.

I hate thinking about just how full of shit it is that I am the way I am. I hate that I have major depression, chronic depression, and probably a bunch of other things that haven’t been diagnosed. I think it’s a bunch of shit, especially the way that the psychiatric industry deals with it: throwing out diagnoses and medications hoping that one will work. I hate the long ass time that you have to wait in order to even see if the medication works, and then if it doesn’t all you have to do is forget or bemoan the last month you lost being depressed just to come to nothing.

I’m bitter. I know.

But anyways…
a couple of years ago I went through a crisis that forced me into a lot of different places, changes, etc – it was basically agreed on that I needed to try and identify the changes that I needed to take place in order for me to be safe and happy, one of which was not being left alone.

Despite that, I believe that I’ve grown enough in the past couple of years that I can begin to manage myself on my own without letting myself fall down the esophagus of some mood monster. So…

What I should do!:
- find things that I enjoy on my own
- take up personal projects (creatively or otherwise)
- have ready access to good music (silence makes the loneliness more apparent)
- take GOOD CONTROL over my thoughts – guiding my thought process is totally, absolutely fucking critical to whether I can be ok on my own or not.