vent

Because it’s always felt like such a disengaging state of mind.

After finding out about Poh-poh today, I kind of…I don’t feel like I can rely on anyone to support me. Or rather, I’ve lost touch with people enough that I’m not comfortable having anyone support me emotionally in the intense ways that I sometimes need…like now.

Sometimes, because I’ve started to master the ability of hiding my emotions, I feel myself hurting really badly and wanting to be taken care of or at least for someone else to know and understand, but…I just don’t really think it’s possible anymore.

I hope I’m just saying that because I’m depressed right now.

...in the state of exhaustion that I’m in.

I’m realizing how much anger I have built up…which is fucking bullshit, because my entire life people have told me that I need to control my anger, but now that I’ve been keeping it under control my fucking boyfriend is stepping all over me, being a hypocrite, and because I’m trying to control my anger AND mentally just let it go, I’m getting this gradual accumulation of “Fuck this! Fuck this! Fuck this!”

I’m so fucking tired of this controlling emotion shit; because I think in a constant stream of words as if I’m talking to someone in my head, being able to actually say things is really fucking important for me. And yet, while people have been telling me that they support me, they also get pissed at me when I have trouble controlling my emotions. I hate trying to gauge whether I can rely on someone to support me emotionally or not; I’m realizing that I’d rather just have an all-or-nothing kind of relationship with people where I can very obviously talk to them whenever the hell I need to, or where it’s a closed relationship where we smile at each other as if everything’s going alright when it’s not. I need closure.

While I love the people who have been there for me, I’m tired of the back-and-forth of “Hey, I’m always here for you,” and “What the hell is wrong with you?” Trying to find the balance between me being dependent and independent of people is insanely difficult.

I keep thinking of when I ended up in the hospital and when I sent a text to my best friend hoping I’d get to talk to her or something, she just responded, “Ok. Call me when you get out.”
That hurt a lot. It fucked my brain even more when I actually did get out of the hospital and she read me this poem about how she wants me to be able to tell her everything and she wants to be there for me and wants me to know that she’s there for me. I had no idea what to say.

I wish I could just…well…in the end, I guess I just wish that I were normal in terms of my brain chemicals and whatever. It would make everything so much easier.