be a better teacher

I don’t think anyone I know comes here anymore, so it’s safe to write this here. As a teacher, I am a failure. I’ve been told by my principal that she thinks I would be an excellent mainstream teacher, but that I’m not suited to special education. This is one of my worst fears realised. When I was in training, I always feared I would be a bad teacher, and now I’ve become one. I’m almost at the end of my rope, and started to become suicidal because I don’t know what to do. Teaching in special education is very stressful, but I found mainstream even more so due to the number of kids, and their behaviour issues. I am a terrible classroom manager.

I either need to reduce my stress levels, or get out of teaching all together. However, if I got out, what would I do? Work is hard enough to find when times are good in my city, and we are entering a recession. Besides that, if I didn’t teach, where would I go? Who would hire me? It’s been so long since I’ve had a different job that I don’t think anyone would hire me. I’ve not had the opportunity to keep up the skills that would be required for other types of work eg administrative and welfare work. The latter was too stressful anyway, which was why I decided to go into teaching.

I am so scared of becoming a burden to everyone I know due to my depression. I would love to be able to make people happy, and be happy myself, but due to my mental illness (I have depression and anxiety), all I feel I do is sap my partner, my family and my students of joy. Sometimes, I think it would be much better to just not be here anymore.

I’ve seen so many people who had taken on this goal decide not to be teachers anymore … I hoped I wouldn’t join their ranks, but unless something changes I think I’m going to have to for the sake of my health.

Well, I met my new colleague today … and now I think I’m both more worried and more relieved than I was before! I’m worried because she’s been diagnosed with manic depression (although she has been stable for five years now), and I’m diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD (which has only been semi-stable since I changed my medication in the middle of last year … I still have dips). I would wonder what my supervisors were thinking of when they placed her with me, but considering that they don’t know about my illness, I certainly can’t blame them.

It’s inevitable that she’s going to find the change stressful at first, as she’s working in a new environment with new colleagues and children – a big change for anyone to get used to … because it’s exactly what I’m going to be doing to. However, I’m concerned about this, not because of her illness, but because of mine. As I’m the senior staff member, I’m going to be expected to carry her for awhile, and I’m scared I’m not going to be up to it. When people are having a difficult time, it tends to rub off on me. I take it too personally, and blame myself. I’m scared I’m going to feel responsible if things don’t go well for her.

On the other hand, she seems to be quite assertive which bodes well for behaviour management. Perhaps we’ll be able to learn from each other … only time will tell.

I started working on this goal last week, and have continued to do so on an intermittent basis during my summer break. However, I had my first really big breakthrough this morning … I contacted a new colleague with whom I am going to be sharing my class this morning, and arranged to meet her on Friday. This was a really big step for me, as I have never met her before and was quite anxious about doing so. However, I thought I had procrastinated long enough.