let him know how I feel

Finally an entry about somebody else! It’s in reference to my current boyfriend of seventeen months. This is a conversation between me and my good friend Alex.

“But I’m getting to the point where I’m just unsure of everything. You know I’ve felt this way for a while, anyhow.” -Julie

“I mean, let’s face it, Julie. Ultimately, you want out. Ultimately, you want someone different.I really believe that.” -Alex

“Yeah… I don’t know though. It feels wrong, because without a “valid” reason, it just makes me feel selfish. We never argue (except for that time about pot), he’s trusting, he’s loyal, he treats me well, but I don’t see a future with him. How long am I supposed to stay with someone because things are going good, if I know they’re really never going to go anywhere?” -Me

“I kinda think you’re doing both of you a disservice by letting it just go on and on. I think there’s life to live, and if you’re not following your heart you’re wasting precious time. Time passes so quickly, and you don’t want to look back and think, man, that was two years, five years, whatever, and you could have done… whatever. And that goes for both of you.” -Alex

“It’s a lot easier said than done. I don’t know how to end that. What am I supposed to say?” -Me

“I think you say that you have something to say and it’s very difficult for you. That you want different things out of life, and you want to figure out exactly what you need.” -Alex

I haven’t talked to him since Christmas. And I’m okay with that. I don’t want to hear from him. Thankfully the distance made this whole thing easier.

The first time we kissed, and a few nights later, our first date….

I’ve come to realize that it was about 19 months ago. A year and a half ago. That is wild.

So it turns out that almost as soon as he got into town he went with his family to Melbourne in an area with little to no reception. They got back Christmas night, and he called me. I was hanging out with friends, those are actually mutual friends. So he came out and hung out. Around 4:30 I decided to leave. But I called him when I got home. He left Mark’s and came over. We sat on my back porch, cuddled, and kissed. We talked a lot, and I gave him his present. We went to this park to watch the sunrise. Then we finally had the talk. It went better than I was expecting. Basically, I asked what exactly it is that we are. And we both kind of sat there thinking for a little bit. And he said that it’s hard because of the distance. And we kind of both sat there. And then he asked me if the distance bothered me, and I told him no. Because it really doesn’t. And we sat there. And I could tell he was really thinking about things. And he said that it’s not an easy decision, but that it’s definitely something we should consider. He was already late for a breakfast with his dad, so we decided to talk about it later when he got back to DC. I don’t think he’ll bring it up, and I’ll try not to bring it up for a couple of weeks. This is definitely something that needs to be thought through thoroughly. But progress is being made, and that’s what matters. He was also the one to say “So when do I get to see you again?” Which made me all warm and fuzzy inside. And hopefully it’ll be next month. I was checking out some flights, and I think I found a pretty cheap one January 28th-31st. It would be amazing to spend that much alone time with him. He was excited, and kept talking about how great having me there would be. And he’s coming back here in February for his sister’s birthday. I have no idea how I went from not seeing him for a year to 4 times in 4 months. But I’m not complaining.

He hasn’t called me and I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. Looks like hanging out this week won’t happen. Maybe I should just return his present to the store? I think I’m finally ready to move on from him.

He called me today. But I’d just gotten back from break, and didn’t find out until I got off. So I called him back, and was surprised to hear what he had to tell me. He was on 95 heading this way. He said he’ll be getting in town tomorrow, but wasn’t sure what time. I guess it depends on if he’ll drive all night, or stop and sleep. I’m pretty excited though, since he’s two days earlier than he originally planned. If he gets in town early enough, he’s going to visit me at work. I can’t wait. =)

We’re still unsure of when we’re going to hang out. But we’ve both agreed that it must happen. We’re playing this trip by ear.

He’s doing that thing again.

And I’m starting to get worried.

I guess I decided to change it from not worth doing to worth doing. Dan has been calling me a lot more. It’s cute. He’ll actually call my house first, knowing that I have prepaid. So he risks having to talk to my parents. He’s not very comfortable talking to parents on the phone, neither am I. This little step of him calling my house phone, though, is such a small, but caring gesture. We were talking about Christmas. He’s requesting Sunday the 23rd – Wednesday the 26th off. He’ll be driving most of Sunday, and will obviously be spending that day with his family. We’re planning one on one time for one of those days. Who knows? It might even be Christmas night when we hang out. That seems to be the most logical day to hang. I’m getting him a webcam for Christmas. It’ll be nice to be able to see him while talking on the phone. And we were talking about my trip to DC next month. He’s excited to be able to be there for my first time seeing real snow. You know, the kind that won’t melt before it actually touches something. It’s a pretty big deal. I think he knows that since he’ll be there for my first snow experience, in the future when I’m living up North, every time it’ll snow I’ll think of him. He’s finally done with all of his extensive training with the airline. He says that even though he’s not flying, he still really loves his job. He talked about it for a little bit, and it’s just so cute to hear him get excited about what he loves. I just realized I’m going to have my new Digital Camera in my possession Christmas Eve, so Dan and I will need to take some pictures together. I might even post some, if I remember.

I haven’t been able to feel anything with any other guy since him. Thanksgiving night we hung out. Not only did I have feeling again, but it was so overwhelming. To the point where I was shaking a bit. He kissed me as if it had been a lifetime since we last saw each other. The way he put his arms around me… It fit just as perfectly as it used to. We talked about a lot of stuff. He’s coming home for Christmas. Probably just a day or two, but we’ve made plans to hang out. And I will try my hardest to fly out to see him in January for my birthday. Go up there for a few days. Be able to actually sleep next to him, wrapped up in his arms. It’ll be heaven. I still feel infinite from the night. There’s something amazing about knowing that you’ll see the person you care most about 3 times in 3 months. It probably doesn’t seem like much to you, but it means the world to me.

He’s on his way to pick me up. I’m so nervous!

We’ll see how this goes!

I haven’t seen him for a year. I am honestly shaking a bit from the nerves. >.<