deal with my issues

Well, it turns out that giving her the space of not talking was a bad idea… She reacted badly to that and took it very wrongly. Less than 24 hours later we had disagreed about it, then agreed to not do it lol.

Things are going well-ish.

She got back to Adelaide today and I went and saw her briefly. It was awkward a bit, but I must admit it was a lot easier than I had expected it to be. Seeing her was really good… I’ve missed her heaps. Even if she is no longer my partner, and I would do almost anything to change it, I am glad to have such a good friend, and being around her again made me feel good.

Beyond that, I’m coasting along nicely. I’m not going to pretend like any of the issues are fixed… that takes time. A lot of time… but I am doing things to aid it – I’ve taken up level design again (a renewed hobby), I’m making efforts at work to put myself in a better situation as far as my job goes, I’m being more careful with my money, I’m making efforts to see friends more, I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone in an effort to increase my confidence, etc.

Like I said, it will take a long time, but already I feel a lot better about myself… I’m starting to get some self-respect and self-esteem. I’m starting to like me. In some ways, I’ve never been more upset, but in others I’ve never been happier. It still varies a lot, and it will for ages, but I’m confident I’ve made some steps int he right direction. I’m really proud of myself =)

Well… thing’s are going okay… but that doesn’t mean I’m okay all of the time. Since Annie left me I’ve been really… for lack of a better term… skitzophrenic. One day I can be really happy that she’s made the decision with our friendship in mind, the next I can be considering driving my car off a cliff just because it seems like that would be easier. The two extremes are slowing down a bit and most of the time its a fairly tame reaction regardless of what polarity it subscribes to, but sometimes there’s an outlier that has failed to be truncated.

I’m starting to consider that for her, maintaining any relationship with myself may cause issues likely to retard any self-improvement she is endeavouring to accomplish. I can’t do what I consider ‘the right thing’ and leave her be entirely, however I’m not entirely certain that would be the right thing. I don’t think it would be a positive move for either of us… What I will attempt is to nullify the contact between us somewhat… I shall allow her time to collect her thoughts without my incessant calling upon her, regardless of the fact that I need my best friend most now.

So today I have taken another step forward I feel… I’ve left her a comment on her blog letting her know that I wont bother her much, but that it is for her own space not mine. So hopefully she realises this means that should the need of me arise, she can give me a call… I’ll be waiting next to the phone just in case. But that I want to allow her a choice either way, in case my behaviours of late are impacting her.

All in all today sucks. But it’s still a move in the correct direction. I’m still doing something – and THAT is above and beyond doing nothing.

I read my lyrics/poetry to my best friend. They are about someone from my past who hurt me a lot (some of them anyways) and I think reading them out aloud to someone has started a little bit of the healing process I never did back when they hurt me. It actually felt really good to read them to her. I’m not acting like this is everything fixed – but it did feel good and I’m confident it’s gonna help me get off on the right start.

Recent events have made me realise a few things… well more than a few. Among them are the following:

- In some ways, I let people walk all over me
- I get caught up on little things far too much when I’m passionate
- I’m not as tolerant of other people’s views as I once was
- My self esteem is lower than ever
- I’m not healthy -> both physically and mentally

If I achieve no other goal on my 43things list, but am able to deal with even one or two of these issues, I will come out of it a better person and happier with life I believe. Sounds stupid? Oh well, it’s important to me and I’m going to strive for it.