Be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and to have the wisdom to know the difference...

I’s very hard to accept that I cannot change my father, or even our relationship or indeed any of the dynamics in our house but that courage to finally move out has kicked in. The intention has been there for several years, but the will to see it through has come and gone given how big of a thing it is, and how difficult it could be logistically and financially…
But I finish my degree in 9 months and I’ve started sincerely saving up money. If I don’t start being corageous and doing something concrete about it i won’t even have the option.

There was a… shall we say, ‘incident’ about 16 months ago where a young man i met on the train decided he wanted to get too friendly with me too quickly. (It wasn’t rape or anything it was just unwanted physical advances). At the time i was a bit of a mess anyhow and my feeling lonely and vulnerable probably didn’t help.

I really thought i had gotten over it – i hadn’t thought about it for a year and although i still feel ashamed and embarressed thinking about it, i’ve stopped thinking it was my fault or that i did anything wrong. That stage was very difficult – because i knew how illogical it was to be feeling that way.

But now it’s suddenly on my mind again and upsetting me quite a bit. It’s starting to cause problems with me and my bf as well. I’ve spent a couple of weeks thinking that there’s not much I can do, i just need time, it’ll all go away. Evidently this attitude isn’t working. I really feel like it’s time to swap this from the ‘things i cannot change’ to the ‘courage to change the things can’ column, as it were.
I’m hoping that writing this entry will give me some impetus to do that.

I know it won’t be easy or happen anytime soon but i would really like to believe that i can forgive the guy and move on. I’ve gotten over the guilt and feeling disgusting with myself but the ashamedness needs to go.
I need it for me, and also for my relationship.

to realise that procrastination is something that i can change! And grant me the courage to actually change it.
I’m not doing tooo badly… my assignment due in on thursday i’ve made a head start on this weekend. But i can’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes without having to do something else as a “filler”.
I think i’m just out of practice. I seem to get away with doing not very much these days at uni.
This is just one of those things where you try to blame it/attribute it to everything around you when really it’s just you.
Courage to change the things I can. Courage to change the things I can. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

and yet so difficult to implement when you’re standing in the face of it. i’m working on the courage part, but the serenity could do with some work – i’ve been so streesed and busy lately i just seem to get angry before i even realise.