be kinder to myself

on Friday….not sure how I should put this except just to say it, but it was honesty from two people close to me, and it was uncomfortable, because they both suggested that I might want to communicate differently with others in order to communicate more respect for others’ feelings (neither of them used the term respect, that’s my self-reproach). It hurt! However I notice that the hurt passed as soon as the communication was over…no lingering pain. Not sure if this is because with both people we exchanged explicit reassurance that we share and give feedback in order to express our desire to work toegether best….or whether I am holding myself less responsible…I hope it might be the latter. To one of my friends I said, “this will not be the last time I’m sure that you will say something like this to me, however I will be working on it…I hope to improve little by little although I imagine I may be working on this till I am old, and may not even get done in this life.” At that moment I felt all right with it!

I made a commitment to myself to be more assertive (which, as noted, is part of living as rigorously honest), but I also want to get along with and work with my supervisor, not against him. I am finding this difficult, since I often hear him speak from his own perspective rather than the team’s. I feel I go to one extreme (trying to please him rather than work with him) or the other (take issue with anything about which I feel uncomfortable, and spend meeting time unproductively hassling over small issues).

All this to say that I accepted another responsibility at a meeting with him yesterday. At first, as I left the meeting, I was bitterly disappointed with myself. Then, the healing phrase, “Well, nobody’s perfect”...and, surprisingly enough, I seem to have let go and gone on to the next thing! Wow.