be happy

This is such a general goal that I feel the need to clarify for myslef. I want to feel free. Released from my fear. Fear of everything. From being the best “me” to doing my art. I seem to talk myself in circles for years and never get anything accomplished. Quite a feat because then I dont have to make ONE decision, eh? Well, I don’t want to remain in this state forever, so I need to start figuring out what I am afraid of and working through it.

I hate to be so cliche..but I am. On the outside, I am SO darn bubbly, no one would ever suspect the utter chaos and decay inside my head. It’s almost like I am two people at times. (No, I’m not schizo). The one side is what I choose for others to see, not fake just more bubbly than I feel at my core.I mean, I am happy and grateful a lot of the time..truly. But then there is this impending sadness that always surrounds me.And at times, epsecially at work, it’s like if I stop smiling, I feel like pieces of me are going to crumble..and there will be nothing left. Parts of me are healed and actually doing a TON better. But then there are other parts..

I haven’t figured this one out yet, but I think I may be on to something. I have always gone throughout life depending on things, people, etc to make me happy. I have a funny feeling that ya just can’t wait for it to happen. I think you have to make it happen. Maybe life isn’t just one big puzzle I need to figure it out. Maybe it really is just making peace with things that cannot fundamentally be changed, trying to change the things that may have a chance..and just giving it the old college try. And having a lot of fun along the way. I don’t know. need more speculation on this one.