Get my Master's Degree

Ok so I tried to get to the practice test, I didn’t give it a very big try, but then again, I didn’t have to. As soon as question one came up, I knew I was a complete failure. I didn’t understand a word it said, not in the verbal or in the quantitative. I’m so screwed….

I’m ready to take the practice GRE. The fact that even this scares me half to death is not going to stop me. I’m just going to get online and do it. I’m going to do it, that is, if Princeton review would actually be up on their game. But I went around all of that by finding another site that offers free practice GRE’s.

Why am I scared to take a practice test? It’s really the blow to my self esteem that any low score would cause me. And, besides this, it’s a three hour test, and if you read my entry on why I’m scared of training for and having a job, sitting at the computer with my leg down will cause me pain. Still, I know that when I go to take the GRE for real the conditions won’t be any more perfect, and will probably be much worse considering the fact that I already can’t sleep, and my nerves will make this worse, then there’s the hanging down of my leg…oh why do I even have this goal in the first place? It’s not that anyone will want to hire a disabled person even if they have a masters…

And yet, maybe they will. Maybe by then I will have worked with Fighting “4” Us and the LCPJ long enough to have the experiance I need to walk into any non-profit organization and take a job away from someone else. God…a real job at a non-profit organization…now there’s something worth dreaming about…

Yes, I have to take this test, and I have to go to graduate school even if it kills me. For isn’t that the way that we get through our illnesses, by going for our goals despite the what ifs? I thought so

After trying to get through the practice book little by little each day, realizing that by the time I get through it all I’ll forget what I learned at the beginning, realizing that my stack of flash cards will get bigger then I’ve ever imagined and talking to friends, I realize that I must take a practice test before I start going through the book. Trying to go through the book cover to cover was a bad idea.

Sigh…the thing is, even the idea of the practice test scares me. Taking any kind of very long test (the GRE is three hours, so so must be the practice test) is extremely hard on my body. Taking these kinds of tests make me feel stupid. Then the fact that I not only have to look at my score, but figure out what I need to study will probably make me feel even more stupid. With stupid mistakes and stupid tests and everything in between, this whole thing is making me feel well…just plain stupid.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have put a goal on my list that will take such a long time and has so many steps. Still, I wanted to put it on here because getting my masters degree is so very important to me. So, I have been working on step one, taking the GRE’s. What I should really say is step one is studying for the GRE’s. Wait, then there’s the two parts of the GRE, so the first part I am working on is the math and then that’s step one….Ugh…you see what I mean. There are so many steps in the way of getting this goal that some days I wonder if it’s even possible. I mean, the book recomends that I work on the studying a little bit EVERYDAY! And it’s probably right. If you skip one day, saying it’s just one day, then you might forget the next day, and before you know it you have to start all over again.

So many steps…I don’t ever remember thinking this when I started planning for college. Maybe that’s because going to college was something I always wanted to do. For me it wasn’t an option, but simply the next step on the road to getting a good job. Now I am at the point where there are options, and each option could define your life. But these are my dreams…and I have so many of them…and all of them seem to have so many steps. Grrr…sometimes I don’t know what to do. Because there are so many steps.

I might have put this on my list too early, because right now all I’m doing is studying for my GRE’s. Still, I saw another person who had this on their list and they hadn’t even gotten their bacholers yet! So I’m just going to talk about my struggles all the way through most of my goals so there!

My parents think that if the GRE scares me I shouldn’t take it. I think that if the GRE doesn’t scare you your either 1) a real supper genius who understands like everthing (I know people like that) or 2) just plain stupid. The GRE is a gruelling three hour test that takes up all your energy just to study for it. And then you gotta actually take it! I want a good score on my GRE. Not like my SAT scores which although everyone says they are good, I know I would have done better if I didn’t have RSD. The same is probably going to be true about my GRE’s, but at least this time I’m really studying for them.

I know where my parents are coming from, but right now with my major goals (study religion more, work on fighting 4 us, get better at art, and work on my GRE, and get a job) all of them are going to scare me at some point. My parents also say that I should be concentrating on my job, and they are right. But until the background check goes through I still don’t have a job, so how do I concentrate on something I don’t technically have? Sight…Parents…must live with them, can’t do much of anything with out them.

Grrr..

The journey toward a dream starts with one step, and I have taken it. I have bought the Princeton Review book on the GREs. I’m scared that I won’t make it. I’m scared that the cost will be too high. But, I have to do it. As I may have said everytime I think about this goal my heart aches for it. I’m going to do it, and to hell with all the nay-sayers and reasons why I shouldn’t.

I want this so bad. More then I can possibly say. But because of the fact that trying to deal with a rigorous would probably be impossible, I can not at this point do it. Going to college was one of the hardest thing I ever did in my life, yet at the same time it was also the most rewarding. In many ways I discovered myself while there and I want that again. Grah. I think I have to at least try to find a program near me. Maybe if I lived at home I could do it. Sigh…I was going to finish writing an entry in each of my goals, but this seems more important.