learn to relax

So you all know by now that I suffer from a chronic pain condition called RSD. What you probably realize is that I’m on a lot of prescribed medication. What you don’t know is the other side of the medications I’ve taken and been given. It’s called the reason why I think anyone who tries drugs EVEN MARIJUANNA are stupid.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this week I was given Ketamine through an IV. I “tripped” a little…and guess what for a second there, I got “it”. I understood why people use mind altering drugs. The tripping was kinda cool. But remember: to drugs there are ALWAYS a down side, and I’m there right now. To help you understand the down side, I’ll put it in steps: Step one, take drug, Step two, trip like you’ve never tripped before! Step three: feel like SHIT and have to sleep for DAYS. Step four, be WIDE AWAKE and increadibly nervous for many many hours after. It was awful today, I was trying to stay happy with the tricker treaters, but then a friend of my mom and sister dropped by. I think she’s a cool person, but the problem is she has to kids…and you may be going “awww so cute…why would that be a bad thing”? But remember, I’m already hopped up and nervous, not to mention the fact that I hate kids (babies I’m ok with, but once they are old enough to pick things up, forget it)! On top of all of that, my house is FULL of breakable things. It’s not that I want people to tip-toe around my house, because they really don’t have to, they really really don’t! But most people don’t have to touch every little freaking thing! Gah! Talk about nerves!

Seriously though, most days I am a lot better then I used to be. Just sometimes I have to take a couple steps back…

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. I’m in fourth grade, in bed on a school night. All of a sudden my eyes fly open and I’m struck with a horrify thought. “Oh my god!” I think “I don’t know if I did my homework!” So I go running down the stairs and check my backpack and sure enough, there would be my homework, neatly done and in the folder it belonged to.

This happened every day that year. I have never been able to learn to relax. I am always worried about something, thinking about something, or missing someone. It’s part of the reason why I don’t sleep at night. It also causes the “knots” in my back.

Knots are what happens when your muscles get tense and they can’t relax. I litterally have knots on top of knots. You finish getting one out (the only way to get them out is through painful massage), and there’s a whole other one there, waiting to be pushed out. They are extremely painful and obviously then very bad for my RSD. I have one that is causing me a lot of pain as I write this. Many of my knots no longer cause me pain, there are just stuck in my body. Once I went to a massuse and she even found knots in my feet!

I need to learn to relax or later in my life it just might kill me. A heart attack is brought on by stress. But there I go making up something else to worry about, inventing a “what if” that could possibly never happen. (Stop saying what if is another one of my goals). I don’t know how to learn how to relax! Does anyone have any ideas?