Its been just over two months since I have had any contact with matt. It feels like years. To a person not in the know two months doesnt sound like much but he was my oxygen. I’m barely surviving without him. Not an hour goes by when he doesnt enter my mind. I try to be angry, I try to hate him but I cant. Not all the time, even though its easier when i do. I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his hugs and i miss his smile. I cry, not everyday but most. I dream, not everynight, but atleast 3 times a week about him. Not this week though, I havent had a dream about him this week.
The dreams are not romantacised. They are plain, dull. Just he and I, hanging out. Sometimes as friends, sometimes as a couple. I believed for a long time this person was my soulmate. Not romantically necesserily, but as a person. I want him to be my soulmate. I wanted to be friends forever, if not a couple forever.
I see him now and then and it kills me. We live in the same city, sightings are unavoidable. I have seen him twice, he has seen me once. He is lucky. I see her too. I see her more. it hurts. It hurt seeing them together. Walking like he and I used too. I want to walk with him. I have never done anything harder than this. Never. I called him, I needed to hear his voice. I hung up without saying anything, I couldnt. And then I did it again. I’m sorry. I’m weak. I’m nothing without you. I only recently took your photo out of my purse. It was from when we were about 15. I miss it. I miss you.
As i write all this through streams of tears I hope one day you will read this and know how much you mean to me. You are my world. I wont contact you. You wanted a break, I respect that. If you dont contact me I will act as though I never existed, though i can never forget you. I still bring you into conversations, things we have done, things you have said. People get sick of it. I spent christmas morning looking at hundreds of photos of us and crying for hours. I wondered what you were doing, What you bought her.
I’m sorry for everything I have done and said. I don’t deserve you, I have known that for the longest time. I just hope one day, you can look back and say “I loved her”.
