Be impecable with my word

Trying to spend more time with my ears and heart open, mouth shut.

Not feeling good about this at the moment. I am having a hard time expressing myself when I talk. I open my mouth, but keep coming up short. Be it profound or simple, I feel like a talking head. Saying “I don’t know” and repeating what has already been said or understood. Hard to walk that narrow line between using words wisely but not letting them become so precious that they stay locked behind glass. Writing is so much easier.

This has been heavy on my mind the last couple of days. I am not proud of the way I am dealing with it. I feel like I have been passive agressive and not at all straight forward and honest about how I feel.

We have had a friend who is currently living in a tent on someone else property and with all the hard rain, has been staying at our place a lot. Pretty much constantly for the last week or more. He is a great person and a good friend and I am happy to help him out. But it is starting to have a big impact on my daily life. At first it was just sleeping on our couch. This weekend he was here all day every day and is now using our place as his work space for putting together his grad school application.

Our home has always been a sacred place for Christian and I. A place where I feel like I can completely relax and be myself without thinking about it. It is also both of our work spaces. Having someone else around constantly makes me feel emotional restricted. Christian and I have had the chance for only a few private conversations and there is really no place in our small house to escape to. We have such little furniture, its like musical chairs. Plus it makes me feel uncomfortable taking about personal things such as financial issues. And I admit I have been a bit jealous about the time they have been spending together – they work together driving in a truck together all day. Beneath all that, I feel like our friend needs to face some facts about his situation and start thinking of a way to make his lifestyle sustainable.

Yesterday it really hit a head as I am trying to work from home. Mondays are always particularly busy for me. On top of the guest we already had, another of Christians friends visiting from out of town came by. Then there were four of us trying to work in our tiny living room space. I went out to lunch and when I came back by desk was occupied. I don’t blame him, as he had no where else to sit. I had a big report to finish up and was so frustrated. Yet I continued to act polite and passive. I tried to go out, but the coffee shop was closed and the library was packed.

By this time Christian felt bad and we talked about it. But it was in the earshot of his friends which kept me from being frank. We talked about again in whispers before bed and he agreed to talk with our guest today at work.

I just feel so disgusted with myself for not being able to be direct. Most people can sense your feelings and covering them up only makes it more awkward. I hate whispering with the fear I am being overheard. If he is hear again tonight, I am going to lay it out on the table.

I feel great and am grateful to have connecting with some good friends. I spent time with Erin, Kathleen, and Christian Willis yesterday. Then met my sweetheart for a drink with his friends.

Erin and I had a great talk about the subject. How its important to be able to share your feelings, even negative feelings, about another person with a friend. It can be a very valuable exchange and a method of conflict resolution. But it can so easily go to far and end up as nasty gossip. Putting down someone for the sake of feeling superior rather than expressing oneself in an honest way. We decided that the litmus test is whether or not you would feel ok if the person you were talking about were to overhear the conversations. Is this always the case? Are there times when deliberately talking behind someones back is valuable? I’m gonna try and pay attention over the next week and see if it feels right.

I have told two people I would meet them down at 1st Friday tonight. Upholding this type of social commitment is where I am the worst with my word. It always sounds good at the time and then I back out by either not calling or even lying. Just last night I told my best friend I would call her to go out for drinks on my bday and never did. Because its the kind of thing people accept I know I can get away with it. But I don’t want to abuse the power of my word in this way anymore. I will show up tonight.

every time I here myself say something for the sole reason of thinking its what something else wants to hear. I feel possessed. No more!