so i just randomly found this site when searching for help. i’ve never been the type of person to do something like this, but i literally feel like i’ve crawled into this obsessive scary hole that i can’t get out of….
my boyfriend and i of almost 6 years broke up almost 2 years ago. it was my doing. i was feeling trapped, or like i needed to experience others, or something. i don’t even remember any more. i know we fought a lot, and i know i didn’t feel great in the relationship, or i wouldn’t have wanted the break up. so i acted childishly and ended up cheating on him, and he moved away for grad school. we agreed that we would take 2 years apart, and figure things out. we were SURE we would get back together. we were sure we were meant for each other. but we both dated other people, and when he thought i was serious about someone, he began to date someone seriously. before he became serious with her, i was fine. if he dated someone, i knew it wasn’t a big deal. but then, all of the sudden, he was gone.
and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. after almost 2 years of us still telling each other we were meant for each other, he’s done. just like that. he’s moved on, and i’m dating someone but every day i OBSESS about missing my ex. i idealize our relationship to the point of ridiculousness. the fact that we have similar career paths and my current bf and i don’t. he’s getting a masters, he’s going to med school (and so is his gfriend, yuck). my bf isn’t in grad school, not interested in the same things. the fact that we like the same music. the fact that he’s so smart. that our families loved each other. ALL of our millions of shared experiences that we’ve had in 6 years. i can’t stop. and my current boyfriend is kind and funny and full of life. but the more i hear about my ex with someone else, the more i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear, and the more i don’t even want to see my current bf. which he absolutely doesn’t deserve. he’s so much of what i was missing with my ex- healthy communication, spontaneity, hilarious. but i just can’t seem to focus on that.
honestly, it’s been about a year now since the last time my ex and i were intimate. and i can remember- i didn’t even want to be. i had just started seeing my current bf, and i was falling for him. and so i pushed my ex away. and he finally gave up. but why can’t i remember that feeling at ALL? the feeling of not wanting to be with my ex anymore. it’s like, every day it just gets worse. not better. worse. i can’t turn it off. i stay up every night thinking about it. and worse- i’ve told my ex on multiple occasions about how i feel. which isn’t fair to anyone, and only pushes him further away.
he gmail chatted me yesterday and i found out that he’s going on a trip abroad with his gfriend. i literally can’t breath when i think about it. i told him that i can’t talk to him. it kills me.
it’s affecting work, friends, my relationship. i’m going to see a therapist starting next week. i recognize that i need help.
i’m glad that i found this forum. i hope that writing something down daily and talking about it will help. some days i know i feel better. my best friends tell me “time, time time!” and to sever all contact. and to concentrate on the good in my life, and my wonderful bf. i know. but it’s so much easier said than done. and i have to see him at a wedding (our two best friends from college are getting married, ugh) in april.
seriously, why can’t this be easier? i’ve been struggling like this for 7 months now, and it’s not getting better. i want this to get better. i’m at a loss.