Stop obsessing over my ex

i think what’s so tough for me is the constant waves. i’m still going through this, and i want to be done! some days i feel great- i’m able to be grateful for what i have, i recognize the good relationship i’m in now, the wonderful job i have, etc. i can be logical, i can redirect my negative thinking, i can try to live more in the moment …

but then BAM- the next day i’m thinking back to my ex’s and my HUGE history, full of things i now over-idealize, or see as perfect. the trips we took, the values we have, our similar taste in music, the deep emotions we had for each other, the fact that we have very similar careers and he’s now in med school, which was something i helped him and motivated him towards since the begining, way back early in college. and i find myself comparing my sweet boyfriend to him, in an unkind and unfair way.

why do i do that?! my ex is with someone else. he’s happy with her. in my stupid mind, she’s pretty perfect for him (also in the same med school/program as him, pretty, same ideals etc). and i know that we’re not going to get back together. so why can’t i just move on???

i get so sad, thinking that maybe i’m going to feel this way forever. that i’ll never let myself truly fall in love with someone else because i’m so hung up on this ex. that i’ve idealized my life with him, and now it’s gone, and i can’t let that go. that i feel all this guilt and regret, the whole “if only i hadn’t broken up with him, if only i hadn’t done this, if only…” seriously, how long does this have to go on? urgh.

and even when i’m doing fine during the day, lately, i’ve been having these horrible dreams about him EVERY night. and i wake up at 4 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep. yuck!

ok, this is going to sound cheesy. but i got the book (in a moment of pure desperation) It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken by Greg and Amiira Behrendt. Who did “He’s Just Not That Into You”. And I have to tell you, not only can I not put it down, but it’s REALLY helping me think through some things…
Maybe it’s the normalizing of feelings, maybe it’s their reassurance that I am moving on and time really does help, but it takes, well, time… I don’t really care why. But it’s helping. So go get it. Now.

i say cautious, because i’ve been so up and down about this. but i really do feel like i’ve kind of turned a little corner in the last couple of weeks. yes, i still think about him a LOT. but not as much, for some reason. part of it that helped, actually, was having a really detailed email conversation with my mother. silly, i know, but she’s so able to see motivation and understand where thoughts might be coming from, especially related to me.
it basically made me realize that- even if i did make a mistake. even if he was perfect and we could have had this great life (which isn’t true, of course), it won’t ever be like that. because the truth is, we did break up. 2 years ago. and he has moved on. and so have i, in a lot of ways. i’m not the same person. we don’t even know each other any more- we’re completely different people. it may have been easier if there was more “closure”, but i didn’t get that, and i need to just move on. i really do.
as for facebook- it’s evil. my only suggestion is to NOT be friends with your ex. unfortunately for me, i still know his password. but i am doing my best not to check his profile every other day to see what he’s doing, what she’s doing, how they’re doing. NOT healthy. it just makes me depressed. and literally, the out of site out of mind thing, coupled with TIME, is such a good solution…

i hope i’m still feeling this ok when i see them at the wedding in a month… eek.

that’s what it feels like every day. some days i feel fine, like i’m moving on, and others i can’t stop thinking about it.

he called back the other day and we talked for a bit. then yesterday he “gmail” chatted me to tell me that he’d gotten an interview for med school, which he didn’t think he was going to get. and it’s at the school his gfriend got into. so now i’m back to picturing them as this perfect couple living the life that he and i were supposed to have together.

ugh.

i couldn’t help myself and i called him this morning. luckily he didn’t answer. i didn’t leave a message. i wish i could just erase his number so i won’t be tempted, but, of course, i know it by heart. awesome.

I’m trying really hard today not to contact him and again tell him how i’m feeling. that kind of desperation is not flattering, and i’ve never been that kind of person. but i can’t seem to help myself. it’s like, i NEED him to know how much he’s hurting me. but the truth is, it doesn’t matter to him any more. and i need to accept that and let. it. GO.

urgh. two things i’m doing to help myself this week-
1. i’ve contacted several different therapists who fit with my needs. i’m hoping one of them has an opening…
2. i sought out a lot of support from friends over the weekend. i’m sure they’re semi sick of hearing how sad i am, but one of my best friends has been through this same thing for the past 2 years, and she can understand better than anyone. i also wrote an email about how i’m feeling to one of my best friends from back home, and she wrote back a great email reminding me of why we’re not together. and why my current relationship is so much more respectful and decent.
3. i’m trying the broom sweeping method again. every time i see his face, hear a song, hear ANYthing that reminds me. SWEEP. i’m trying.

i felt ok last night. had a good time with my boyfriend and our friends at a show. but then all night i had terrible dreams about my ex and his girlfriend being at the hospital with all his family and his sister.
he texted me this morning to tell me she was born, all is well. i wish things were different.

i really liked someone’s entry about “sweeping” the thought out of your head, like a broom. i’ve been trying that for the past few days, and it’s working a little. i’m going to keep practicing.
i also talked to a friend yesterday about mindful meditation- i’m going to start attending a workshop about that. maybe that will help also.

after my dinner with my girlfriends last night, feeling a little better. was even able to go to sleep and not think about it.

then this morning, he texted me. he’s back in the country (had been working abroad), and on his way back home. he texted me from his layover spot, to tell me that his sister has gone into labor and how excited he is.

now this is really getting pathetic. instead of feeling happy for him, it just made me more sad. because i know that his new girlfriend will pick him up from the airport, and she will go with him to the hospital, and she’ll be the one to share this moment with him and his family. not. me. and that feels so awful.

my best friend suggested that i let him know that even little stuff like that i can’t hear. that i need to have NO contact with him, because it just makes me feel bad. and, if he needs to understand that better, than i can remind him of how he told me that last summer- that he can’t have contact with me because it makes him feel shitty.

why is this so difficult? and why do i have to ocillate between my emotions from one second to the next? i really wish i could channel all of this obsessive energy into something more productive, like work, or my new relationship. but it’s so difficult…

i made a solid effort to hang out with my girlfriends who have been with me through it all. it was good to see them and talk to them, and they always help me feel better. they can help point out things that are obvious, that, for whatever reason, i fail to see about the bad in my past relationship.
had a lot of trouble avoiding thinking about it today. i wish i could just turn my brain off, but obviously that’s not an option…
i just literally have to move on. i need to figure out how to do that. also just found out today that my boyfriend is most likely moving to costa rica to teach for 6 months- added stress. but maybe good- might give me some distance/seperation to really concentrate on how i’m feeling and figure that out apart from each other… but i feel like i’ve said that in the past, and look how that turned out. urgh.

so i just randomly found this site when searching for help. i’ve never been the type of person to do something like this, but i literally feel like i’ve crawled into this obsessive scary hole that i can’t get out of….

my boyfriend and i of almost 6 years broke up almost 2 years ago. it was my doing. i was feeling trapped, or like i needed to experience others, or something. i don’t even remember any more. i know we fought a lot, and i know i didn’t feel great in the relationship, or i wouldn’t have wanted the break up. so i acted childishly and ended up cheating on him, and he moved away for grad school. we agreed that we would take 2 years apart, and figure things out. we were SURE we would get back together. we were sure we were meant for each other. but we both dated other people, and when he thought i was serious about someone, he began to date someone seriously. before he became serious with her, i was fine. if he dated someone, i knew it wasn’t a big deal. but then, all of the sudden, he was gone.

and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. after almost 2 years of us still telling each other we were meant for each other, he’s done. just like that. he’s moved on, and i’m dating someone but every day i OBSESS about missing my ex. i idealize our relationship to the point of ridiculousness. the fact that we have similar career paths and my current bf and i don’t. he’s getting a masters, he’s going to med school (and so is his gfriend, yuck). my bf isn’t in grad school, not interested in the same things. the fact that we like the same music. the fact that he’s so smart. that our families loved each other. ALL of our millions of shared experiences that we’ve had in 6 years. i can’t stop. and my current boyfriend is kind and funny and full of life. but the more i hear about my ex with someone else, the more i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear, and the more i don’t even want to see my current bf. which he absolutely doesn’t deserve. he’s so much of what i was missing with my ex- healthy communication, spontaneity, hilarious. but i just can’t seem to focus on that.

honestly, it’s been about a year now since the last time my ex and i were intimate. and i can remember- i didn’t even want to be. i had just started seeing my current bf, and i was falling for him. and so i pushed my ex away. and he finally gave up. but why can’t i remember that feeling at ALL? the feeling of not wanting to be with my ex anymore. it’s like, every day it just gets worse. not better. worse. i can’t turn it off. i stay up every night thinking about it. and worse- i’ve told my ex on multiple occasions about how i feel. which isn’t fair to anyone, and only pushes him further away.

he gmail chatted me yesterday and i found out that he’s going on a trip abroad with his gfriend. i literally can’t breath when i think about it. i told him that i can’t talk to him. it kills me.

it’s affecting work, friends, my relationship. i’m going to see a therapist starting next week. i recognize that i need help.

i’m glad that i found this forum. i hope that writing something down daily and talking about it will help. some days i know i feel better. my best friends tell me “time, time time!” and to sever all contact. and to concentrate on the good in my life, and my wonderful bf. i know. but it’s so much easier said than done. and i have to see him at a wedding (our two best friends from college are getting married, ugh) in april.

seriously, why can’t this be easier? i’ve been struggling like this for 7 months now, and it’s not getting better. i want this to get better. i’m at a loss.