things have been a little bit better. My anxiety and worry have been on overdrive (see the “Figure out what I want” goal), but my students this semester are AWESOME! and that helps. And it’s good to have my colleagues back.
Did I mention that my students this semester are AWESOME! Oh. My. God. I think our public university is getting better students this year because of the economic crisis (fewer students going to private school, public Us cutting back admissions, you do the math). A whole group of them finished their first project early and started bugging me to give them past semesters’ projects because they heard they were hard. They’re not just putting me on either; I see them working on the extra projects. It’s kind of unreal.
helped some. I can’t figure out whether I’m an introvert or an extrovert; I want to be alone more than I think is normal, but I do really enjoy being around people at work. I think my teaching personality is really enthusiastic and upbeat, and it seeps into the rest of my day.
It’s hard to recognize depressive episodes now that the meds keep them from taking on familiar forms. I’m unlikely to have a meltdown in public, to physically harm myself, to unfairly unload on some random person, or to have to begin every day with hours of internal debate over whether life is worth living.
But I think that the way I’ve been feeling is what being depressed is going to feel like from now on. It renders me useless just as well as the old version did; it’s just less dramatic.
I don’t have solutions. I know I’m supposed to go outside, and I do; I know I’m supposed to get some modicum of exercise, and I do. I know I’m supposed to reflect on all the things that I’m grateful for and love about my life, and I never stop thinking about them either. ::shrug:: I don’t know if this is one of those problems that has a surprisingly easy, purely technical solution, or if this won’t go away until it’s good and ready, regardless of any flailing I might do in the meantime.