stop thinking about suicide

I don’t know what to do about me.

Any step that isn’t forward is a step back. I feel like going backwards for a while.

I hate my job.

I hate school.

I hate that everything I do is divided in between the two.
I hate that I spend just about every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights at work taking shit from stupid disgruntled customers bitching at some 19 year old, poor as fuck, minimum wage college student like I have any control over corporate policies.

I hate that I haven’t been able to write a song in a year and a half.
I hate that I haven’t touched my guitar or sung in a year and a half.
I hate my major.
I hate my complete detatchment from and disinterest in others.
I hate my bipolar disorder, and I hate how treating it feelings like a big fucking waste of time.

And I hate that I have completely and totally lost my muse.

“There are times that I think I’ve swallowed it
Whispy it is smoke
Coiling it is a snake
It fills me like fog
and expands
until the me inside of myself can’t see
Wandering lost
Wondering where the person I used to be went
Wondering how long I’ve been gone.”

I don’t know how to fix this. I really don’t.

I’ve become everything that I hate
and everything I hate is me.

Sometimes I think about everything I thought I’d be by now.

And am so disappointed.

please please please
This has to stop.