I’m realizing that this goal is actually an exercise in “Loving What Is” based on The Work of Byron Katie. I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before, and I was watching an interview with her yesterday (with Oprah, actually), and I realized that this goal is not new for me. I’ve tried to do it before, and I’ll keep trying to do it.
I think I needed to hear more of her story and how she evolved from her personal pain. What has helped me understand The Work before has been to watch her walk other people through their own work. Hearing her describe more of her transformation gave me a lightbulb moment that carried me through yesterday.
Part 1 (20 mins)
Part 2 (20 mins)
Part 3 (20 mins)
Everyone is doing the best they can at the moment they’re in for reasons that might not ever be known.
Even when the thought, “I could have done better,” is uttered, in the moment one is talking about it was the “best.”
And it clarified for me how different we are, and yet how much we respect the other. We had a great conversation that started at a restaurant and continued in the long car ride home, and showed me how my own beliefs about consistency aren’t even all that solid.
It gave me tons of food for thought.
It’s been tough. I had a dream the other night about my old boss, and a few days later and I still feel haunted by it, her, what I’m feeling.
I learned through the grapevine that she’s getting married, and I’m actually thrilled for her. I’m trying to channel that positive energy as a reason that I don’t actually hate her guts. But when I think about the job I loved and how awfully she and the board made me feel, my ego rises to the surface with spit and grit. I’ve tried so hard to heal from all that. I thought I had even.
Ugh. I want release from all this turmoil. It’s over. It’s been over a long time.
I think I need to start working on my praise – you know the kind where no matter what someone’s working on (or even if you care what it is) you simply say, “Good for you!”
From small annoyances of friends to big grievances with my family, I’m practicing accepting them.
I’m also practicing accepting myself. I recognized some of the self-critique and self-doubt yesterday, but held it at bay, and simply said to myself, “You can work towards anything that you want to, and the past is the past.” In those moments I was accepting myself for my flaws and my strengths, and that feels new to me. I’ve always been able to do one or the other, not both simultaneously.
I’m starting to see more and more that this goal has to do with accepting myself, where I’m at. Something I thought I did fairly easily, but I don’t. Underneath the comfort of “loving life,” I’m critical that I’m not doing more, enough, what I intended… that’s robbing me of the joy that life is. And robbing me of the opportunity to know how to do this for others. And robbing me of loving myself.
I expect others to not be accepting, and when they are acccepting, I secretly feel I don’t deserve it.
Hmmm. This has got to stop.
as I’m meeting up with Dad and Anna again, already so soon.
We’ve made progress, so I’m willingly doing this, but I have reservations, because I don’t really know what it means (at least in this situation) to build upon progress.
The betrayed little girl always throws caution to the wind when we make it this far, and under duress doesn’t want to go any further.
But fortunately, for now, there is no duress. And I refuse to create any, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to.
I maintain my prayers to be not to let myself get cornered, naturally let things flow, maintain strong boundaries, and just to enjoy the day. Again, it should only be lunch that I have to deal with Anna, and the rest of the time will be in the warehouse, which is demanding in its own way, but at least I have the space to go through my own things without any interference.
I suppose I need to be careful not to get caught up in themes like “progress” or “future,” because accepting people where they’re at is all present-moment stuff. And if I can maintain that focus, I’ll be fine.
“It is often easier to fight for principles than live up to them.”
- Adlai Stevenson
I’ve always thought of acceptance as a compassionate way of finding understanding someone and relating to who they are at the core. I believe that that still stands as a valid definition.
But in my new manifestation of this goal I’m going to try to be coolly detached from the emotions that charge me up, so that I can find acceptance in one another, namely with my dad and his wife tomorrow.
I can’t get riled up if they can’t reach my buttons, right?