I know it’s not tomorrow yet, but I feel like I should make an entry for the last day of May, and I’m going to be up and at ‘em early tomorrow and probably not typing up anything.
Tomorrow marks the tenth anniversary of my mom’s passing, and it’s been affecting me subtly all week.
I’ll be meeting up with my dad again, and I’m feeling all that tension. All the missed years when I wanted something from him so badly, and he failed. I’m trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that everybody fails, including my father….and that’s ok. Sigh. It’s hard to say that.
I’ve been wanting a good way to commemorate my mom. I’ll be donating to something this week, but I keep changing my mind about what that is. I think I want it to be different from other things I’ve donated to in her memory. Maybe I’ll have a flash of genius tomorrow. I’m going to suggest to my dad that we go to Dairy Queen for a cone. That always makes me think of her.
I’m meeting up with one of my good friends from HS in the morning. She’s in town visiting her parents, and it’s working out for me to just catch an earlier train and meet her for breakfast. I think it’ll be good for me to start the day with her, as opposed to my dad, and actually really looking forward to it. That’s good. I need something about tomorrow to look forward to.
(I’m not sure if Anna will be around this time. On the one hand, I just want May 31 to always be the one day I’m allowed to think about my mom without having to think about Anna. On the other hand I feel like I was granted a hall pass last week when J and I went out that way and she had made her own plans. Maybe I can still be that lucky.)
Anyways…ten years. It’s hard to wrap my head around that. That’s a third of my life I haven’t had my mom when I’ve felt I’ve needed her most.
Bootcamp focus – do as much as I can in the warehouse. Accept any and all attempts from my dad. Remember all the goodness of my mmom and celebrate her light. Embrace the fact that I’ll be greeted by an old friend. And just feel all the love that’s around me, so I can exude it back.