I’m not feeling great, and I’m trying my hardest to address that which is bringing me down, but I’m still finding stumbling blocks.
-Christmas is still up in my house. I keep promising J I’ll take the ornaments off the tree, but everytime I go to try, I get sad. Sad that Christmas is over. Sad that I have to box it all up. Sad that things still don’t feel great in my family, and I’m just reminded about my mom not being here, and my dad being so different. Makes me realize why I haven’t wanted a tree up until this point, because the finality of things being over always makes me pause. The tree DOES need to be taken down, and J and I are planning on doing so Saturday. So if I can get things put away today, that’d be great.
-I’m not excited about grad school apps anymore. I don’t know what I want to do. And I’m feeling distressed. I keep willing myself to open up the apps again, or to work on my statements of purpose, and I find all things other than grad school to put my attention on. Sigh. I want to have a purpose in life, and I’m not sure I can get there without more professional contacts, skills, and training.
-The job hunt is depressing me. I participated in a webinar today that just demonstrated on many levels all the things I’m doing wrong. It should be inspiring, it should be teaching me, and all I feel is more crummy.
-I only bought time for our cat, and I’m worried what’s going to happen when the steroids wear off. We’ve talked some about next steps, and I need to contact the pet oncologist in town, but ick, then what? Does he have cancer? Does he not have cancer? Is the tumor on his nose operable? What’s actually causing his tail/back issues? How much time do we actually have?
-I passed on hanging out hanging out with friends in favor of the webinar…. Actually, I’ll just text and see if they’re still hanging out. (They’re not. Oh well.)
-I made some major strides in other areas of my life, and now I don’t want to do the necessary follow-up. And it makes me frustrated that I can overcome so many hurdles just to make it to a known next step and not want to take it…. What’s wrong with me?
-Perfection. I want things to be neat and tidy and perfect. And they’re not. And I’m certainly not. And yet I can’t release the idea that somehow things are supposed to be exactly a certain way.