longings

I’m not feeling great, and I’m trying my hardest to address that which is bringing me down, but I’m still finding stumbling blocks.

-Christmas is still up in my house. I keep promising J I’ll take the ornaments off the tree, but everytime I go to try, I get sad. Sad that Christmas is over. Sad that I have to box it all up. Sad that things still don’t feel great in my family, and I’m just reminded about my mom not being here, and my dad being so different. Makes me realize why I haven’t wanted a tree up until this point, because the finality of things being over always makes me pause. The tree DOES need to be taken down, and J and I are planning on doing so Saturday. So if I can get things put away today, that’d be great.

-I’m not excited about grad school apps anymore. I don’t know what I want to do. And I’m feeling distressed. I keep willing myself to open up the apps again, or to work on my statements of purpose, and I find all things other than grad school to put my attention on. Sigh. I want to have a purpose in life, and I’m not sure I can get there without more professional contacts, skills, and training.

-The job hunt is depressing me. I participated in a webinar today that just demonstrated on many levels all the things I’m doing wrong. It should be inspiring, it should be teaching me, and all I feel is more crummy.

-I only bought time for our cat, and I’m worried what’s going to happen when the steroids wear off. We’ve talked some about next steps, and I need to contact the pet oncologist in town, but ick, then what? Does he have cancer? Does he not have cancer? Is the tumor on his nose operable? What’s actually causing his tail/back issues? How much time do we actually have?

-I passed on hanging out hanging out with friends in favor of the webinar…. Actually, I’ll just text and see if they’re still hanging out. (They’re not. Oh well.)

-I made some major strides in other areas of my life, and now I don’t want to do the necessary follow-up. And it makes me frustrated that I can overcome so many hurdles just to make it to a known next step and not want to take it…. What’s wrong with me?

-Perfection. I want things to be neat and tidy and perfect. And they’re not. And I’m certainly not. And yet I can’t release the idea that somehow things are supposed to be exactly a certain way.

A few days ago something so horrific happened, my mind shut it out and with a smile on my face I announced my faith in humanity remains.

It still does, but I embrace this opportunity to share in one of the public spaces my opinion has mattered previously to say that we collectively need to enter our country into the national dialogue about mental health.

I read an amazing article this morning written by a woman whose teenage son has the rage and loss of impulse control that makes him a threat to his own safety and possibly to others. The mother makes the claim that she is just like all the other mothers whose sons have entered history as mass murderers in the shootings we keep recounting. She is worried, nay, terrified her son could be capable of the same kind of destruction. And yet, despite all of her current efforts, her son may not be getting the real help and intervention he needs unless he commits a crime. And even then it only starts a paper trail for his actions.

I, for one, think that criminal action is too late for someone. We are failing them if we’re waiting that long to “help”.

I have a plenty more to say about this, but gotta run.

I’m finally doing some of what’s needed to “get to the next step,” and now I’m so amped (and stressed) that I can’t sleep. J’s already gone up to bed, and I’m just wired with a dehydrated-headache…. ugh.

With a community and with a career. I also long to have a family, and feel the pressure of wanting all things to be right in their place.

....after dropping off my sister and family, and my heart aches already in their absence. The house is too quiet, I see the library books we got for Munchie, the bedroom is empty of their stuff, and I’m just really sad that they’re gone. The week went by too quickly.

I love the new house, and am excited about being there, but I’m already nostalgic and feeling homesick for this place (where we’re moving away from). I talked to my cousin about how long it felt for her to feel established here (just about 2 years), and it just filled me with dread I hadn’t fully thought about: who’s going to be my tribe in my new location? How long is it going to take for that to really feel like home? Will it come easy, or will it be a struggle?

J’s no help. He’s so able to believe that all good things are just within reach, he’s not nervous, he’s not sad, he’s fully excited.

I am sad. I am attached to where we’ve been living and that we’re leaving home (we both grew up in this area) again. I am a little nervous about what’s ahead of us. I am scared of the unknowns and of feeling lonely.

I know it’ll be fine once we get there, and like all things, you just take things in increments. And so I just long to get through this week, and not have any meltdowns, and just feel relaxed and ready for this next phase in our lives.

Sigh.

When I am organized and clutter-free,...
I can focus on life outside my home.
I can invite people over freely and not feel shame or embarrassment about what’s unfinished.
I can have fun for fun’s sake and not as a distraction to my “real life.”
I can come home to a relaxed, beautiful retreat, not another work project.
I can feel energy flow freely throughout my space, not clogged around ‘old stuff’.

Yesterday was colossally bad. I think I can accept now that May 31 is simply cursed for me, which hopefully in the future just means I’ll protect myself better.

I met with my dad to work on the storage unit. Pulling up to it, he asked me if I could move the date up for the truck to pick up my belongings, and tells me he’s going to be at the Lake the week we’re moving and therefore it will be difficult to get into the storage unit. I know it’s my hard expectations of the day that made that comment exceptionally cruel, but I just kept thinking here’s a man who for 15 years has always left the Lake mid-week to come home for various stupid condo board meetings and church committee meetings, and on the day his daughter is moving across country, he just wants to stay at the Lake all week? And I imagined myself letting myself in with a key I don’t even possess yet, navigating that huge space to collect all these damn boxes. It was a lot to bear. Without knowing how to stop, I just started crying on the spot, thinking about the stupid day and having another ruined anniversary when I went in thinking. “There’s nothing that can happen today that will feel any worse than some of the others. Anything goes.”. Ha!

So I asked to be taken back to the train. And on the way asked for my own key. We went to Home Depot and across the parking lot was a Friday’s and Dad asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I accepted, trying to give it all another chance (several chances) before blowing out of there never wanting to see him again.

I asked at lunch if we could nurture his and my relationship alongside my nurturing the relationship I have with him and his wife, and he implied I was being divisive, and refused my request, and it all crumpled me again.

Today is his birthday, and once again we’re in this terrible pattern where we fight about how much he believes I’m not over my mother’s death (and why can’t i be) and then I struggle with how to be nice to him on his birthday.

I don’t know what to do at all anymore. I just feel so lost.