pray more

Thank You for Your patience with me, while I sort out the things I truly appreciate from the things I gripe about.

I’m so grateful to have a relationship with You, and am truly grateful for my life and opportunities.

Thank You for making Yourself known to me. Thank You for the joys that exist.

Please help me stay on track. Please keep me from being idle.

I love You, Lord.

Amen.

You listen to me like a father listens to their kid, right? I can tell you anything, and you just want to listen and help where you feel you can, right?

Well, I’m unhappy. And I start to think I know why and I say it, and then I’m in another area. So, I start to pick that apart and that leads somewhere else.

I’m frustrated. In my job, in my marriage, in my life. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, I don’t think I ever did, and I’m supposed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just trusting. Just believing that it’s all going to work out. Well, fine. It usually does, but.

But. Why do I end every sentence with a but?

Why aren’t I more happy? I love my husband, I even love my job, and for the most part I love my life. Then what is all this dissatisfaction?

I want to be employed more. I want my boss to be less insecure. I want to be paid what’s reasonable. I want to work my 20 hours and feel like I accomplished something every week. I really want to work full-time. I want to be going somewhere in my life.

I want to have fun with the love of my life. I’m sick of waiting for him to be excited about something I suggest. I’m tired of him being so cynical and weary of everything. He wants to have fun, too. I know it. He admits it. Why do I feel I need his agreement on everything, and why is he so skeptical?

Dad. He told me in September he’d call the counselor. He told me two weeks ago he’d call the next the day. And he never does. Why doesn’t he care? Why doesn’t he want a relationship with me as badly as I want it with him? Why did he marry her? Why can’t he see it? Why do I have to see it? Why did you have to take Mom when you did?

Why do I feel so unsure about myself all the time?

God, I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling it, and yet I’m grateful, because it makes me dig deeper. I see that I want things a little different, and I’m asking You to help me.

Please help me sort through these messes. Please help me discover the good things that help me ‘tick’ (in a good way). Please help me look outside, beyond me, and see the big picture.

Thanks, God, for this time. Thank You for readjusting the lens.

Amen.

Thank you for new perspectives and transformation.

Thank you for the discipline of gratitude. Please help me live with gratitude rather than just identify it.

Thank you for this community and the hope and inspiration it brings. Thank you for the accountability and friendship that exists. We are friends and strangers all in the same breath, and that’s an amazing concept.

Thank you for your massive presence that covers all my inadequacies. Help me be whole. Fill me with your spirit.

Amen.

Thank You for restructuring my thoughts.

Thank You for community.

Thank You for mercies new with every day.

Thank You for reminding me that love drives out all fear.

Thank You for giving me life.

Thank You for my brothers and sisters.

Thank You for visions of a world without strife.

Thank You for being ever-present.

Thank You for Your Son and Your Holy Spirit.

Breathe Your life through me, and may Your peace spread throughout the world.

AMEN.

Thank you for all the small ways You reveal Your wondrous ways. I am in awe. I remain still to that.

I’m so sorry for all the ways my mind makes up its own agenda, ignorant to Your pokes and prodding, all the while demanding to know where You are.

Please help me live this week with a touch more awareness, a touch more surrender, and let me praise You for all the good You have done and continue to do.

We live in a dark world sometimes, and yet light casts some shadows that dance and come alive, suggesting that it’s not all darkness. It’s not all dim.

Please awaken me to the light behind the shadows. Please let Your light shine through me. And please keep me from distorting that light through my own shabby filters.

Thank You, God. Today and always.

Please be with those who doubt You and doubt life. Remind them how much You simply love us, that it’s not about right and wrong. It’s simply about love and peace and grace.

Please be with those who are hurting. Surround them in that pain. Comfort them and simply hold them. Bring them through to the other side, whole and in tact.

Amen.

Thank you for today. Thank you for the promise that each morning brings new mercies.

I feel much more at peace and at ease than I’ve felt for weeks. I know I fought viciously with Dad yesterday, but I feel Your presence with me now, and feel hopeful that as long as I keep my focus on You and Your goodness, You’ll lead me out of these shadows.

I won’t pretend to know what the future holds, or even what You intend for each of us, but I trust You a heck of a lot more than I did. Thanks for restoring my faith. Thank You for being a solid rock to stand on. Thank You for countless examples of love, mercy, and grace, on which I can reflect and meditate on.

God, please release me from my suffering. Please release me from my obsessive anguish and anger. I surrender everything to You, trusting You to piece together again at the very least my heart. Some shattered dreams You leave shattered, and I’m beginning to feel ok with that. God, what are You building in my character? How can I stop resisting the growth You require of me? What do You really intend for me? Why do I keep doubting, keep fighting You?

God, thank You for the sources of support You have provided me. Thank You for my husband. Thank You for bringing us together. Thank You for delivering me from all the suffering I had to get through for us to even really discover each other. Please hold him up and reveal Your light to him. Please strengthen both of our faith in You.

Thank You for this time. Help me not lose sight of the fact that You really are there with me, walking with me, grieving with me. What does Your grief look like, anyway?

Please be patient with me. I’m trying so hard. I know You love me, and I love You too. I’m sorry for botching things up. I will keep trying. Please help me contain my hostility and let love lead me always. I never knew I would forget how to do that. I am so sorry.

Say hello to Mom for me. I really miss the fact that I can’t even ask her questions.

Thanks, God. Amen.

I need to lift up today to You, because I feel lost and broken and tired.

First, thank You for my life. Thank You for wonderful opportunities. Thank You for Your holy and eternal Presense. Thank You for my family and for J and for friends. Thank You for making all things right.

God, please help me use today to the absolute best of my ability. I don’t want to be distracted, I don’t want to be wasteful of time, I don’t want to lose sight of what needs to get done. Please fill me with Your Spirit and make miracles happen.

Thank You for glimpses of what that looks like. Thank You for Your power and Your grace. Thank You for loving me.

On a side note, I lift up all the people I’ve encountered lately, who are struggling with loss, grief, and sadness. Please fill them up with Your peace and joy. Please reassure them. Please hold them safely in Your arms.

Thank You, God, for all Your blessings and Your lessons. I praise You. Amen.

Please help me remember that the victory is already won, granting me the freedom to live my life boldly and confidently.

I have nothing to fear. In fact, love drives out fear, and love is perpetually surrounding me. Help me to release the fear, make room for growth and joy, and be exactly who You made me to be.

I never thought I would be scared of living, and yet my patterns speak exactly to that…Release me, free me, tell me it’s ok, help me let go of expectations, goals of perfections, and all the ways I’m holding myself back from achieving all that I want. God, I don’t want to shelter myself anymore. I want to live freely, lovingly, boldly.

Thank You, Lord. Amen.

Thank you for an amazing life. Thank you for bringing me through the dark clouds that wanted to rob me of happiness and staibility in my twenties. Thank you for the wonderful people who love me and support me.

God, I have a purpose. One You’ve given me. One I am living every single day, just by existing. You’ve let me encounter people and stories that remind me not to live my life so selfishly and abundantly. Reminding me to keep things simple and grateful.

God, I do this. I will continue to do this. Everything I’ve ever had began as a gift from You. I promise not to take that for granted, and my only prayer is that I can spread that joy, that way of life, that promise throughout the world.

Thank You, God, for covering every weakness and failure that I have. You made me beautiful. Amen.

I’m trying to pray out loud more while driving into work, but I feel dumb. It’s true that I don’t pray out loud often, but I didn’t think I’d feel so weird when I actually wanted to pray using my voice! What’s worse is that it ends up feeling insincere, dry, and lazy. In comparison, my prayer journal is so much fuller, and richer. I don’t know. I’ll keep trying. I mean, I’m just conversing with my Creator, right? It’s about the relationship, and being honest about that, than how I sound.