let go

It has been nearly 5 months since I have written on this goal. I am certainly done with it and will click the button as soon as I finish writing this. I just read all of my entries and I am challenged by my own words and I see strength in this woman. I am strong and I did let go. I walked away and while I still hear from him.. I am so blissfully happy with where I am today. All of my yesterdays got me here and I would never trade today.. not for anything in this world.

The Lord blessed me with this incredible man.. who loves me so deeply. We get to be in love every day and I am so happy that I let go of my former love. I love living again.. and I have for a while now. And he has nothing to do with it.

Good bye old friend. You taught me many things and I am thankful that you were a part of my life. But I have let you go and it’s the best thing I ever did. Good bye.

I had several really good days. Tonight, I am feeling sorry for myself a little. When I am lonely… I think of him. Not that he made me feel un-lonley, because he didnt. But because somehow, I have convinced my heart and my mind that he is home and he will take away the lonliness I feel.

But he wont. I have to let go of this, completely. I have come so far and I am only moving forward. But I have moments that make me ache. I just don’t want to do anything stupid just to ease my heart, i usually end up doing even more damage to myself and others. I want to be smart and make better choices.

It has taken me a while to really let go. I think I am close to marking this one as DONE! But I want to give my heart a little more time.

We actually had a healthy chat last night. I didn’t get emotional and I wasn’t mean or hurtful. Neither was he, not really. He knew this was coming. He knew that I would need to walk away to save myself. He told that he still wants a life together and that he will keep hoping in that. I won’t. I am not even considering that as an option because I am too afraid that I won’t be able to let go if I do. He has never gone out of his way for me.. not when we were together for a year and a half, not now, not ever.

We mutually decided that there needs to be a time of complete separation. I am stronger than I thought I was. I feel good and I am starting to feel whole again.

I have been letting go of this man for so many months now… almost a year? wow, one day I know I will be saying that this is worth doing, in every way.

I have to start telling my heart the truth. He has moved on. He does not want this anymore. Truthfully, he is doing me a HUGE favor. I am in love with who he could be… not who he is. He doesn’t bring goodness to my life, he brings stress, fear, insecurity.. I could go on and on. I need to walk away, wash my hands of this and get my life back.

Today, I had a really good day. I am so glad for this site.. it helps me so much. 3 days ago I was drowning in misery. Today I am looking forward to all the awaits me in all of my tomorrows.

One day I want to be in a relationship again. But I want to be in a healthy one. I have never done that before. It’s time to start loving on myself so that one day I can love and be loved.

Today, I am really going to work hard to let go, because he already has.

Today he told me that he wants nothing more than to spend his life with me… but he doesn’t know what to do about her… oh yes, there is a ‘her.’ The fact that she has to factor in kills me and makes me feel… hmmm, what word could I use here, it makes me feel crushed.

My broken heart just pushes him away. I never saw this for us. I need to let go of him so that he can figure out what he wants. I need to let him go because holding on to him so tight is stealing my life away. I want to be happy to be alive, I have so much to live for. But right now, I just feel miserable without him and feel like I am just waiting for his answer. I wish I could just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to,

but right now I just feel so sad.

our cycle… we take time a part to “work on ourselves.” One breaks the silence and we start hanging out again, trying to be friends. It gets to be too much because it is WAY too early for us to be friends. We both say a lot of things that we can’t take back. We love each other but all we do is hurt each other.

I have to move on because if I don’t this cycle will just keep on going and I can’t take that. I am so sad. He was so hateful this morning and all the things he said are just bouncing around in my mind making me feel completely miserable and completely alone.

I am so sad.

I would not say that I have given up on this goal.. but I have certainly digressed. Or maybe this is just what my journey looks like. That is easier to take today than the feeling that I have blackslid…

The truth is, I don’t want to believe that it’s time to move on. How can that be, I love him so much. I never thought I would be here at 23 years old, feeling so desperately lonely and heart broken.

Today, I told him that I am so tired of the way he treats me… He says he doesn’t treat me that bad. He has not followed through with plans he makes with me in way too long. It is almost embarrassing actually. I am the embarrassed one, he gets everything he wants and I am ALWAYS left wanting.

I am so tired of wanting… He hasn’t tried to make me happy in so long. Why am I still doing this?

Today it has been one whole week since there has been any communication. Nothing, not even a myspace peak ;)

This is the very longest we have gone in nearly 2 years. It feels great. Throughout the day, I am busy and focused on where I am, who I am with and what I am doing. Of course he crosses my mind, how can he not. And people ask, they want to know what is going on with us… we were never the endless-saga type, but I guess our insane last 3 months has made people talk. I am so glad that that time is behind us.

I have taken him out of everything I could. And it’s true, every day is a little easier. I remind myself of how empty I felt even though I love him so much. He never tried to win my heart and I tried to win his every day. So it doesn’t really make sense that he got my heart… and I didn’t get his. This is not the first time this has happened to me.

Today I am letting go of a part of myself, the part that says I have to settle.

A few days I go I was thinking about letting him go so that he could come back one day. Today, I want to let him go so that I can really move on and have a life that he isn’t entwined in. Unfortuneately, this is not my first broken heart. But fortuneately, I know that I will get through this. And if you are struggling to let go, you will get through this, too.

Today I am going to do what I can to let him go so that I can find my heart and chase my dreams.