Be the person I want to be

In the past couple months, I’ve been hanging out with some different people, both of whom are extremely friendly, and fantastic friends. The three of us get along so well. But ever since I’ve been hanging out with these guys, my other friends are becoming angry with me, saying I’m fake and I think I’m better than anyone else.
I’m sure you adults remember 8th grade drama.
I try to not get involved and not hit back, but I feel terrible. I haven’t been aware of hurting anyone, and I certainly haven’t done so intentionally. But the entirety of my old friends are angry with me. Of course Nikki and Eleni are supportive and great friends, helping me with this. And I guess that’s what makes them my true friends, because they accept me for who I am, and they stand by me in whatever. My other “friends” don’t seem to understand this, that I’ve never meant to do anything to hurt them.
I’m so confused and I feel guilty for things I’m not even sure that I did. The whole mess is making me loose sight of who I want to be, and is steering me into a place where I cannot go to again, that I have to fight off at all costs.
On monday, I’m not sure if I’ll apologize , or go on with the day normally as if no one has said anything.
When will 8th grade end!!

I have a notebook.
In this notbook is where I paste all of the pictures I cut out of fashion magazines that I consider “beautiful”. I have endless pages of thin, gorgeous girls staring back at me. I stare back. Then I look into the mirror. And I don’t feel any sort of beautiful.
I wish I felt it.
I wish I was.

Ever since I was eleven, I’ve battled with depression. It’s hard to write that because I’ve always been in denial about it. I’ve been able to tell some close friends about it, and they’ve helped me through a lot. But I’ve been too ashamed to admit it to my parents, because I’m worried they will think I’m ungrateful or they won’t believe me. I’m very good at covering it up even at home. I laugh to muh and spend a lot of time in my room so they won’t see me. At school I try and act like a bubbly ditz so no one will think I’m anything but happy.
I’m fourteen now, and I’ve decided I can’t live in the two extremes of depression and and stupid ditz. I needx to find myself, who I am and live it. Not trying to fit a mold so there are no questions asked. I can get through this, I know I can. I just have to find who I am first.