Mend my broken heart

When I stopped making entries on this topic it was because I believed I had completed it. Not very long after that, Doug came to me and said that he wanted to go to counseling to try to work on the problems that we had when we were together. Now, I was very self protective and was against the idea at first. I didn’t want to undo all that painful work I had done to get over him. But he was now offering to do what he previously hadn’t, so I thought he was finally taking responsibility for the problems. However, I was still cautious in that I told him I am NOT dating him but that we could attend therapy just to see where it lead. Well, he did it. He went to the therapy and he talked honestly about problems and worked through some things that previously had no openness for compromise. This took place over many months and I started to trust him again. A few months ago he said something about a conversation he’d had with a coworker and he mentioned me as his girlfriend. At that time, I said “Whoa, I didn’t agree to that label.” And he seemed hurt because he thought we had worked and were still working through the issues. I guess he thought he’d earned me back. Well, when I saw that hurt I realized that he really meant all of this and I opened up and said okay. So then we were “together” again. Wow, what an idiot I was.

Gotta run to an appointment. To be continued…

How come now that I’m okay, he’s not? It kind of pisses me off, actually. Like, YOU made this mess and now you expect me to wallow in it for what, your ego? Pshh… whatever. What really scares me is that I spent six years with this person. I will still be friends with him if possible, but I think even that might be best if limited.

I feel no pain about this any more. Maybe I’ve done it.

Damn. Can I get an ETR on my heart? Geez. I’m afraid this is going to take forever, if it ever happens at all.

Is it over yet?

I guess not. Round two has begun. Shit. Why can’t my logical mind and my feelings just agree? At least it won’t be as bad as it was before. I hope, anyway…

If you’re going through hell
Keep on going, Don’t slow down
If you’re scared, don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there

But can I at least stop and ask for directions for the most direct path out? =/

Is it over yet?

I see nothing in your eyes
And the more I see the less I like

Is it over yet?
In my head

I know nothing of your kind
And won’t reveal your evil mind

Is it over yet?
I can’t win

So sacrifice yourself
And let me have what’s left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I’m going all the way
Get away please

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
‘Cause I will be the death of you

This will be all over soon
Pour the salt into the open wound

Is it over yet?
Let me in

So sacrifice yourself
And let me have what’s left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I’m going all the way
Get away please

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
‘Cause I will be the death of you

I’m waiting
I’m fading
Realize
Stop hiding

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
‘Cause I will be the death of you

He keeps saying he misses me and wants me back, but I know he knows that’s not going to be the best option. He’s not doing so well now that I’m doing better. I wonder if he thought I would be lost without him forever? Part of me wishes I could make his experience painless, but another part tells me it’s necessary for him to feel the pain in order to get any kind of life lesson out of this.

I still love you Doug, and I always will. But I’m not “us” anymore… I’m me.

I’m doing very well with this right now. Thinking of the reasons why I’ll be better off by looking forward instead of back. Trying to remember the things that won’t change and that it’s better to go through this pain right now than to be stuck in a rut forever. Mostly, just staying busy and making sure that I have things to look forward to and enjoy. Breaking up is hard enough without any unnecessary moping and I’d rather have fun than feel pathetic anyway. Wouldn’t you? =P