stop being jealous

I know I’m jealous. I’m working on it. It’ll never go away. All I can do is be mature and NOT do anything stupid with it. So sick of all the ugliness that comes with it.

When there’s someone prettier around the bf and I, I just expect him to look while I focus my attention somewhere else. I know he’s going to look anyways and I don’t want to get pissy about it so might as well let him look. Sigh. Just wish this wasn’t such a strong trait of mine.

I found if I don’t act jealous around the BF, he tends to notice THAT more than anything. Hah! In your face green eyed monster!

If I see him ogling another girl I don’t have that urge to smack him upside the head or give him the cold shoulder. If the grass is that much greener where she’s at he can start walking anytime just don’t waste any more of my time. Somehow this thought pleases me.

I got this twinge of jealousy when a client of mine approached me at the gym while I was working on the cross trainer. She looked exceptionally fabulous with her cute workout outfit. Suddenly, I felt fat and jiggly and very jealous that she looked so good. I’m happy for her but I sure do wish I looked like her.

My boyfriend was joking around when he was emptying his pants pocket and found a piece of paper with a woman’s name on it saying “ooh look at this! a woman’s phone number!” I didn’t flinch and told him I didn’t care. I meant it. He then followed by saying just kidding it was a client’s phone number, blah, blah, blah. I still said I didn’t care. I was proud of myself for not going into a fuming rage. I think it bothered him that I didn’t.

The co-worker I was jealous about, well, turns out her life is not so rosy and just because outward appearances seem otherwise, I should be happy with what I have instead of assuming she’s got it better than me. Another day, another lesson.

I had a dream last night where some girl was outrageously flirting with my boyfriend in front of me. I straight out asked her if she wanted to go out with him and just fumed at how blatant she was and how he loved the attention. I guess if it were a real situation it could’ve been worse but it was so vivid and the emotion of jealousy was incredibly strong. It’s just so weird that it’s something that won’t even let me sleep. Sigh.

Jealousy, to me anyway, is cloaked in fear. It’s a fear of not being good enough, of being replaced, of not being worthy. When I get jealous I see its out of fear. It’s easier to calm down and get a grip. I hate tripping out because of jealousy. So yucky.

Very proud of myself for not peeking into his MySpace. Not a good place for paranoid girlfriends.